People can often appear to be confident, especially when they are very knowledgeable. But no matter how much knowledge, skills and talents you have, or gain, that won’t help you feel better about yourself if you have the deep-seated belief that you’re not good enough.

In this short video you'll learn:

• How we hide low self-esteem and not feeling good enough
• The cost of not acknowledging our real feelings
  
• Being honest with yourself
• A strategy for beginning to increase self-esteem

When someone asks you to describe yourself, you probably do what most of us do - talk about what you do - the roles that you carry out everyday. Such as, “I’m a wife, sister, daughter, teacher, accountant, counselor,” and so on.

But who are you beyond that?

Roles are things that can change - you might get divorced, so you’re no longer a wife; you might lose or change jobs, so you’re no longer a teacher or accountant. Who are you then?

When you know who you are outside of the roles that you carry out, you understand that it doesn’t matter what you ‘do,’ because you bring who you are to anything that you do and if what you do goes away it doesn’t matter, because you can easily apply yourself to something else.

However, many of us don’t really know who we are, and when you don’t then you’re likely to experience greater struggle because you will become more identified with what you do and with other people’s expectations for you, and think that’s who you are.

In this post I’ll discuss:

• some of the challenges that come when you don’t know who you really are
  
• how life improves when you commit to self-awareness, and self-acceptance
• how you can learn to be your real self,
• and why you’ll want to.

Some people have a strong sense of their personality, gifts and abilities and what's most important to them from a very early age. They know who they are and what they want to accomplish. For example:

• the comedian who always knew he was born to make people laugh 
  
• the person who loves to act or sing and always knew that's what they wanted to do 
  

I’ve worked with many people who, like me, never had such a strong sense of self. When you look at people who have always known themselves that well, it’s easy to feel that there must be something wrong with you if you don’t. That’s certainly how I felt for a large part of my life.

When you don’t have a strong sense of self, it’s difficult to accept yourself, so I became a people-pleaser, doing everything I was asked in the hopes of gaining acceptance and approval from others. If someone had a problem, I felt it was my job to fix it.

I took on other people’s problems, and other people’s pain because I thought it was up to me to make things better for others. 

I held myself back. I never spoke up for myself, and I let people dump all their problems onto me - at work and at home - because I thought it was my responsibility to make them happy with me.

I thought I was the only one who felt like this, but I have since discovered that there are many of us, looking for approval and acceptance from others because we cannot give it to ourselves. We cannot give it to ourselves when we don’t know who we really are, so we turn into a version of ourselves that is formed by the needs and expectations of others.

• You sometimes (or often) feel you're not good enough
• Your perfectionist tendencies often get in the way
• You work really hard yet never seem to find the success and fulfillment you're looking for
• You tend to become anxious and get hurt really easily, which makes it difficult to stay on task and develop relationships
• You have issues balancing engagement with others and giving yourself the solitude you need for re-charging
• You tend to absorb negativity and/or other people's drama
• You find that pressure builds up until you feel completely overwhelmed, then feel embarrassed to share that with or ask for help from others
• You often attract needy, co-dependent people
• You want to find a job that you love and gives you purpose, but it seems difficult.

I could go on.

You may be wondering what these things have to do with knowing, and being who you are. They may seem like random, external things to you, but they are not. They are all connected, because when you don’t know who you really are, you:

• take things personally
• have trouble setting boundaries and telling others “no”
• you may feel guilty if you do something good for yourself
• or you feel insecure, don’t think you’re very good at anything and won’t amount to anything.

This also leads you to have no idea what it is that you really want, so you find yourself in jobs that are unfulfilling, or working so hard that you become exhausted and overwhelmed. You have no passion for what you do so you feel under-valued and unfulfilled.

You have no sense of why you’re here and what your true gifts and passions are, often you even wonder if you have any, or if you just got the short end of the stick. So you feel lost and drift from one thing to another without any sense of where you’re going or why. Until you wake up one day wondering how you arrived here and may even feel there’s no hope.

You find yourself fitting into other people’s agendas, so you’re always last on the list. Other people’s needs come before your own. You somehow feel responsible for others’ pain and insecurities. So you end up doing things that feel meaningless and unfulfilling to you, yet you don’t know how to stop the cycle.

As you begin to learn more about yourself, the next step is acceptance.

(Image by Gerd Altman, Pixabay)

You might discover something about yourself and wish that you were different. For example, I hear from many people who have discovered that they have the trait of being highly sensitive, as I do. This brings with it many challenges, but also many benefits.

When you focus only on the challenges associated with the trait it will cause you to try to ‘shut off’ your sensitivity, and deny it, because you want to fit in. When you resist it in this way, you will only experience more challenges. When you are able to accept it, then you learn how to deal with the challenges and benefit from the best aspects of the trait.

Truly knowing, accepting and connecting with who you really are is liberating. You begin to accept that you’re not like everyone else and that’s how it’s supposed to be.

• When you know and accept who you are you can own your uniqueness which leads to confidence, peace and meaningful success.
  
  
• You become bigger than your fears, so that when fear arises, you are able to face it and learn from it, rather than letting it control you. When you are willing to learn what your fear is telling you, then you move through it to the breakthrough(s) that’s on the other side.
  

• You are able to set boundaries and stop allowing people to manipulate or mistreat you in any way. You learn how to say ‘no’ from a place of strength, and feel good about it. You no longer tolerate rude or disrespectful behavior from others.

• You become clear about what it is that you (really) want and how to achieve it.

• You attract supportive and positive people in all areas. The toxic and negative people (such as co-workers or personal relationships) you may have attracted in the past will no longer see you as a target. Once you learn how to interact with them, they won’t be able to affect you any more and they’ll be replaced by people who are healthier, more conscious and positive.

• Amazing opportunities open up for you that you never thought possible.

• You accomplish far more than you ever thought you could - a satisfying and fulfilling career, positive and meaningful relationships, and greater vibrancy and well-being, for example.

• You improve all your relationships - even the most challenging ones.
  

The first and most important thing to recognize is that this is a process, and it is unique for everyone. When you’ve been used to living as an inauthentic version of yourself that is not going to change overnight. So promise to be gentle and patient with yourself.

It’s really a process of unlearning - of letting go of who you thought you were, and in the process, discovering who you really are.

For example, as someone who used to be a chronic people-pleaser, I thought that’s who I was. I have since learned that I’m actually a really good people-challenger. If someone treats me badly now, I will call them on it right away - whereas I used to just accept it. If someone lies to me, I will let them know that I know, instead of being afraid to say something as I used to be in the past.

(Image by Ladyritzn, Pixabay)

Here are steps you can take to begin the process:

Get used to asking yourself questions
Whenever something doesn’t feel good or you’re not sure about something, you can ask questions like:
Is this really true for me?
Is this what I really want to be doing?
What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself in this situation?
What is it that I really want?

Asking questions in this way puts your energy, your focus and attention on finding what’s true and right for you. Don’t worry if you don’t have answers to the questions right away. Get used to asking yourself questions like this and answers will come to you and your truth will begin to emerge.

Learn from everything and everyone
Pay attention when someone says something they really like about you, don’t just dismiss it. For example, if someone says “you’re a really good listener,” and you find that people often come to you with their problems, then own the fact that you have this ability. Not everyone does.

In particular, be willing to learn from the difficult people and situations you encounter. Instead of resisting them, or talking about how unfair they are, ask yourself what you can learn from that person or situation. This is one of my favorite strategies, because you learn that every difficult encounter is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. Once you learn what it is that you need to learn, then you won’t need that difficult person or situation any more.

Practice Self-Care
Get used to treating yourself well. The better you treat yourself, the better you feel, and the better you feel, the more everyone around you benefits. This is surprisingly difficult for many people, and it used to be for me. I think not treating yourself well goes hand in hand with not knowing who you really are.

Treat yourself with love and kindness - as you would treat anyone else you really cared deeply about. Care for yourself in the same way.

Give Yourself What You Need
Often we get stuck because we’re not getting what we need from those close to us. Your family may not understand you, your spouse may not give you the response you were looking for when you share a challenge with them. You may feel unappreciated and unloved.

Instead of being upset that other people are not giving you what you need, learn to give it to yourself. Appreciate and value yourself, and you’ll find that you receive more appreciation from others. Release your expectations that others should give you what you need. Give it to yourself first, rather than needing it from someone else.

Know What’s Most Important to You
Sometimes people have a hard time with this. If you’re having trouble knowing what you really want and what’s really important, then start by making a list of what you know you don’t want. For example, if you hate the fact that you’re busy all the time and you never have any time to do things that you want to do, then perhaps your time and freedom to do what you want are particularly important to you.

As someone who used to put her own needs last and everyone else’s first, it was a revelation to me to learn that one of the most important things for me is my time and freedom to do what I want without being controlled by others. I no longer tolerate someone wasting my time or trying to tell me what to do.

Start learning about what is really important to you.

Take Care of Your Energy
Make your energy and vitality your number one priority. This means that you learn to set boundaries - saying no to what doesn’t serve you and yes to what does. To be able to do this you must know what is really important to you, as mentioned above.

The more you do this, the easier it is to let go of things that don’t support your energy. This includes people! If someone drains your energy, then why would you want to be around them?

Sometimes you have to be around someone who affects your energy in a negative way. Perhaps it’s a family member or co-worker. If that’s the case, accept who they are, and set the intention that you won’t allow them to take or manipulate your energy in any way. Refuse to let them pull you into their negativity.

As you begin to respond to them differently, they will no longer be able to negatively affect your energy.

Be Willing to Let Go
You will discover that there are things in your life that don’t support you and are not good for you. Be willing to disconnect from them and let go. Perhaps it’s a job or a group that you’ve been part of for a long time, but that doesn’t really serve you.

If you are a highly sensitive person or empath, it’s also highly likely that you take on (often without being aware of it) the energy of others. It could be individuals, or it could be collective energy - such as ancestral energy or global energy.

For example, think about all the emotional and physical pain that’s going on in the world right now - with COVID, fires in the west and storms and flooding in the east. There’s a lot of uncomfortable energy and if you allow yourself to take that on and be hooked into it, you will never be able to make any progress.

Learn to recognize when it is affecting you and be willing to let it go.

1. Remember that this is an inner process - there is no external solution, you must do the inner work
   
2. Be patient, loving and gentle with yourself
3. This is not a race, you’ll make a little progress every day, let that be okay
4. Nobody can do this for you - only you can do it
5. As you become more yourself, you may experience resistance from others who are used to you being the way they want you to be. Keep going anyway.
6. Allow others to support you - find those who support and encourage you, these are the people you want to hang out with
7. Make a commitment to yourself - this work isn’t easy, but once you commit, you will never want to go back!
   
   

Are you feeling great about yourself and your life right now? If you are, give yourself a pat on the back and a round of applause because you know who you are and you are living as yourself.

If you don’t feel great about yourself and some aspect of your life, then there’s (inner) work to do. You’ll want to start right away by implementing what I’ve shared in this article.

We’re only here for a limited amount of time - and none of us knows how long that is. Don’t waste another day not knowing and being who you really are. Start the process now.

It’s your choice of course, you don’t have to do this. But do you really want to be repeating the same patterns and be in the same place 1, 3 or 5 years from now?

When you’re ready to commit to being who you really are, connect with others who have made the same commitment. I invite you to join the Know, Accept and BE Who You Are program. It’s a monthly membership program where you’ll learn everything you need to know, and receive the support and guidance you need to really know, accept and finally BE who you really are.

Try it for one month for just $1, if you like it, the price is just $47/month after the first month. You can cancel at any time.

Why is it so difficult for some of us to know, accept and BE who we really are?

That’s the question I’m discussing in this video post, along with thoughts on:

• What are some of the consequences of not being who you really are or are denying some aspect of yourself?
  
• What does being who you really are mean?
• How do you know when you’re not being your true self?
• What does it take to change?

One of the things that can hold you back when you’re diligently working to discover and accept who you really are and then BE your true self is external energy - coming from others - that you’re not aware of. Join me at a live online event, as I discuss what energy holds you back with Medical Intuitive, Jacqueline Kane on Wednesday, September 16th at 9:30am Pacific/12:30pm Eastern.

There is often a lot of confusion about high sensitivity and whether it has links to ADHD.

In this video I team up with Productivity Expert and ADHD Coach, Sue West for a discussion on the differences.

Because HSPs can easily become overwhelmed there is often an assumption that they may have ADHD - while it is possible, that's not necessarily true. That's why I'm excited to have this conversation.

I learned a lot from our conversation - I hope you will too.

Whether you have ADHD or not, whether you're highly sensitive or not, most challenges and feelings of anxiety and overwhelm come because in some way you feel it's not okay to be you.

We push ourselves so hard to be more, to do more and accomplish more, and to fit in and succeed, when often all we need to do is simply learn howto be ourselves.

To help you do just that I've put together a free simple guide to help you Be Who You Are. It's a short, downloadable e-book that contains 10 Steps to help you Know Yourself, Accept Yourself and BE Yourself. Request your copy by clicking the button below.

I think everyone experiences stress or anxiety from time to time, and there’s no doubt that stress and anxiety levels are heightened at the moment.

Life as we know it has changed and continues to change. There’s so much that is unknown and unknowable at this point, and yet we have to find ways to stay safe and well and continue to move forward, even when we don’t know what that means.

Some people handle change and the unknown quite well, and others struggle with it. What happens when that stress and anxiety build up so that they completely overwhelm you?

Even if you do usually handle stress and change quite well, many people are feeling overwhelmed right now, so how do you bounce back from that?

In this post I’ll be sharing strategies to help you bounce back whenever you feel overwhelmed.

The definition of anxiety is: “the mind and body’s reaction to stressful, dangerous or unfamiliar situations. It’s the sense of uneasiness, distress, or dread you feel before a significant event.” (Anxiety.org). This is something that we all experience from time to time.

When the levels of anxiety build, you can find yourself in a state of overwhelm. This is when it all feels like it’s just too much and you don’t know what to do to feel better.

Anxiety can turn into a disorder when it affects your ability to function. That’s not what I’m covering here - and if you do feel you have an anxiety disorder, it’s important to receive professional help and treatment.

When you are faced with regular, day-to-day anxiety, which can lead to overwhelm, there’s a lot you can do to help yourself, and that’s what I want to look at here.

The following strategies and techniques are all simple and effective ways to help you whenever you start to feel overwhelmed:

Take a Breath

When you feel like things are spiraling out of control and you are overwhelmed with emotions, and stressful thoughts and you can’t think clearly, you can use your breathing to bring a sense of calm and clarity.

This is something you can do anytime and anywhere. Simply put your focus and attention onto your breathing. Be aware as you breathe in and as you breathe out.

For this, you don’t have to change your breathing, simply put your attention on it. You can even repeat to yourself (in your mind) “I am breathing in, I am breathing out” with each breath.

If you want to take it a step further, you can imagine that as you breathe in you are breathing in calm energy, and as you breathe out you are letting go of all stress and anxiety.

You only need to do this for a few breaths, perhaps 5 - 10, which will take less than a minute.

This article in Psychology Today goes into more detail about how to use breathing to relieve anxiety and shares more breathing techniques.

Focusing on your breathing keeps you in the present moment, rather than worrying about something that’s happened or that might happen.

Let Go of Resistance

Stress is created when we resist what is happening. We say things like “this shouldn’t be happening to me,” or “this isn’t fair.”

The truth is that it is happening. The sooner you accept that fact, the sooner you will be able to change it. When you keep fighting something because it ‘shouldn’t be happening’ you will stay stuck in it much longer.

Resisting something takes up a great deal of your energy. It depletes you and, as the saying goes “what you resist persists.”

When you let go of resistance and accept that whatever is happening is happening (even if you don’t like it) and release needing to label it as bad, you can claim your energy back.

Surrendering in this way brings peace and it also brings solutions to difficult problems. The solutions can’t come when you are focusing your energy on the fact that it shouldn’t be happening.

Resistance brings fear, and acceptance brings clarity.The energy of acceptance and appreciation will move you forward faster than the energy of resistance and resentment.

If you don’t like the word ‘acceptance’ because it feels like giving in, then choose another word, like ‘acknowledge.’

Re-Frame Your Thoughts

It’s said that we think somewhere between 50,000 – 60,000 thoughts each day, and that most of those thoughts are the same. When you’re worried about something, you can’t stop thinking about it. Your mind makes up stories about the worst that could happen. You start to imagine all sorts of terrible scenarios and each one makes you feel worse and worse, draining your energy.

Most of this happens unconsciously. All you know is you feel terrible and it’s difficult to get things done – and you’re probably not too much fun to be around, particularly if you constantly talk about those worrying thoughts.

What do you think about obsessively? Do you worry about your health, money, relationships, or your weight? Do you worry about the economy or constantly think about the danger your children could be in or whether you’ll still have a job tomorrow?

Identifying what you think about – particularly your repetitive thoughts – can come as something of a surprise. Most people are surprised by just how many negative and unhelpful thoughts they have each day.

Pay attention to your thoughts and notice when you think negative and unhelpful thoughts or when you’re thinking the same thoughts over and over. You may be surprised at what you find.

Once you know what you’re thinking you can make a conscious effort to change the unhelpful thoughts. This will renew your energy and, since you attract into your life what you focus on, it will help you to attract more positive people and situations into your life – and that’s always a good thing.

People often feel that changing your thoughts means you have to force yourself to think positive thoughts, but that doesn’t work and can actually be counter-productive.

You can’t deny that you’re thinking the thoughts you are thinking and forcing yourself not to think them doesn’t work. Instead, you can use them, and learn from them, which then allows you to change them.

So if you’re trying to force yourself to think positively, try paying attention to the thoughts and ask yourself what you can learn from them. This is the first step to being able to change them.

If you find it difficult to change your thoughts, try one of these techniques:

What if….

Try turning any negative what if’s around, like this:

• What if it doesn’t work?
• What if it works really well?
  
  
• What if I can’t figure it out?
• What if I have access to all the answers I need?
  
  
• I’m really tired, what if I can’t make it through the day?
• What if I have all the energy I need to accomplish everything I want to today?

You get the idea. This is a technique I have used many times with great success. Our minds tend to go easily to negative what-if’s, so just turn those around to more positive ones.

Reframe with Affirmations

Affirmations can be helpful, but they must be believable. If you’re feeling absolutely exhausted and you tell yourself you are filled with boundless energy, you know you’re lying and I think that no amount of repeating that affirmation will change things.

The answer is to change it to something more believable. Instead, you could say :

“I have all the energy I need to accomplish what I want today.”

Since I have had challenges with insomnia over the years I often feel very tired. Whenever my thoughts turn to how tired I am and how little energy I have, I tell myself I have all the energy I need to do what it is that I need to do. And you know what? I always do.

Another way is to remind yourself that you’re doing the best that you can. This is also a good way to quieten those unhelpful thoughts, such as:

• Even though I feel like I’m struggling with this situation, I’m doing the best that I can and I will move through it.
  
  
• Everyday I find new ways to move forward. Answers are coming to me.

 

• I now choose to transform unhelpful thoughts and welcome more positivity into my life.
  
  
• I have the power to change my thoughts about anything. I now choose to reach for the most positive, uplifting and powerful thoughts I can in all situations.
  
  
• I have the ability to keep my thoughts focused on what I want. I now release all thoughts that do not support me.

Write out your thoughts

Sometimes there are so many thoughts running round in your head it’s difficult to keep track of them all.

This is where writing can really help you. Get a notebook and write out everything that’s on your mind. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense. You can write any thoughts or words that come up. You’re not going to publish it or show it to anybody.

The purpose of doing this is to calm your mind down by getting the thoughts out of your head. Don’t think about it as you write, just write. You may be surprised at some of the things that come out. There could be thoughts you didn’t even know that you were thinking.

Once you know what you’re thinking, you can ask yourself if these thoughts are helpful or unhelpful. Are they supporting you or harming you?

Think about what thoughts would be more helpful and then, whenever you notice your mind going over the unhelpful thoughts, you can choose to replace them with more helpful ones.

Let Nature Help You

Being in nature has an incredibly calming effect on us. There have been many studies that show this is the case. This article on the Positive Psychology website goes into more detail about the positive effects of nature.

I know that for me, if ever I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed with something, I just have to go for a walk outside, or sit on my deck and listen to the birds and feel the energy of the trees and I feel better very quickly.

If you are not able to go outside, there are other ways to benefit from nature. You can surround yourself with pictures of beautiful nature scenes, you can have beautiful indoor plants, you can even listen to nature sounds. I like to use Insight Timer, which is a free app, where I can listen to sounds of the ocean waves and birdsong or a waterfall or rain falling anytime I want.

In a recent article I published on self-care, Joan Vorderbruggen shared some of the benefits of the Japanese practice of Forest Bathing, which has become popular all over the world as a way to bring people back to balance.

Never underestimate the healing power of nature. If you have animal companions I’m sure you also know the calming effect they can have too. Just being around animals can have a calming and balancing effect.

Let nature support you and help you maintain a sense of balance in stressful times.

Move Your Body

Many studies have been carried out that show the health benefits of exercise and this article from Harvard Medical School explains how it helps with anxiety.

I have certainly found this to be true. For me, I enjoy walking, playing tennis and yoga and find them extremely beneficial.

I think that when your body feels healthy and strong, you feel better mentally and emotionally too.

Walking is certainly easy to do - no equipment needed. If you want to do yoga or find some other form of exercise there are many YouTube videos and I’m sure you can find one that you like.The most important thing is that it’s enjoyable and you do it consistently.

Calm Your Mind

I’ve already talked about using affirmations, conscious breathing and changing your thoughts can help to calm your mind, but there are other techniques that are helpful too. Here are a few:

Meditation - many people struggle with the idea of meditation because they find it difficult to switch off their mind. I’m the same way.

The goal of meditation is not to stop you thinking, but rather to notice the thoughts and let them pass through your mind. When your mind is overwhelmed with thoughts this can also be difficult - that’s when guided meditations can be helpful, or you can use music for meditation or simply practice focusing on your breathing.

The other difficulty people have is carving out time to meditate. You don’t have to meditate for hours each day for it to be effective. Even if you did 5 or 10 minutes each day, that would be extremely beneficial.

This article from the Ram Dass organization shares 17 ways you can use meditation to help with anxiety and has some good advice for letting go when you feel overwhelmed.

Emotional Freedom Technique - You’ve probably heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and there’s no doubt that it can be very helpful.

I have used EFT in the past and it did help. For some reason I don’t find it’s as effective for me any more, but if you haven’t tried it I think it’s worth a try.

EFT Practitioner, Brad Yates, has a helpful YouTube Video with a 6-minute exercise to help you when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Journaling - If you’ve never tried journaling or you think that you don’t have time for it, I recommend you give it a try. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming, and you don’t even have to do it everyday in order to benefit.

I have used journaling in the past to help me process my thoughts or simply get them out of my head. I find it helps to bring clarity and helps to uncover thoughts that were well hidden.

I find it particularly helpful to do first thing in the morning, before starting your day, or last thing at night before you go to sleep - this is particularly helpful if you find it difficult to sleep because of all the thoughts going round in your head.

This article from VeryWellMind (an online resource for mental health) shares some helpful journaling techniques for coping with anxiety.

Music - It is well-known that music can soothe or energize us. Whenever you have the chance, let music calm your anxieties and bring you to a place of peace.

Everyone’s choice of music is different. The important thing is to know what type of music really relaxes and soothes you.

I think music is a resource we often forget about when stressed or overwhelmed. Remember that it has the power to reduce stress and incorporate more music into your life.

Organize Your Environment

When you’re feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, probably the last thing you think of doing is decluttering and organizing at home or work. Yet this is one of the most helpful things you can do.

Isn’t it frustrating to be disorganized? How often do you find yourself wasting time looking for something that you know you have, but you can’t remember where you put it? It wastes time, it creates frustration, it drains your energy.

It’s easy to become disorganized when you’re very busy. It seems as though you cannot take the time to organize things because you have so much to do. But if you do the time to organize, you’ll actually be much more efficient at doing everything else.

The thing to do is to schedule time – actually put it on your calendar – to organize. Whether you do it once each week or once per month doesn’t matter, as long as you do it. If necessary, hire a professional organizer to come in and help you. When everything has a place and you know exactly where to put it when you’re finished with it, life is so much easier and you’ll be much more energized.

Sometimes it may be difficult to get started, but usually people find that once they do start, it feels so good they want to let go of even more.

If you find it difficult to let go of things, ask yourself these simple questions:

• Do I love it?
  
• Do I need it?
• Does it bring me joy?
• If I moved, would I want to take it with me?

If you can’t answer yes to any of these questions, then why are you keeping it?

Decluttering frees up your energy and opens up the space for new and more positive energy to come in. Letting go and being organized feels really good you’ll feel a lot less overwhelmed.

Master Your Self-Talk

How you talk to yourself matters. Whether things are going well, do you tell yourself not to become too complacent because something bad might happen? When things are not going well which voice wins - the inner critic or your inner coach?

If you want to feel less stressed and anxious and handle overwhelming situations with greater ease, you’ll want to learn to master your self-talk.

Being aware of and changing your thoughts, as we’ve already discussed, is the first step to helping you master your self-talk.

I have a couple of other favorite methods that I like to use that I’ll share with you:

Use powerful questions: When you don’t know what to do, or you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed here are some helpful questions that will make a big difference:

• What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself in this situation?
• How can I best support myself through this?
• How can I find the easiest, most enjoyable and effective way to do this?

Don’t expect a major aha moment as soon as you ask these questions, instead, let the questions sit in your mind and be willing to be guided towards the answers. The answers will come, whether it’s the same day or the following day or in a week, it doesn’t matter.

The point is that in asking the questions you are taking care of yourself and supporting yourself through a difficult situation, which is much better and more effective than beating yourself up or worrying.

Use my favorite affirmation: This affirmation is so powerful I share it with everyone I know who is experiencing a difficult situation.

It’s from Louise Hay and you’ll find that it has an immediate calming effect on you, and, even more than that, it will result in a positive outcome:

“Out of this situation only good will come, for the highest good of everyone. I am safe.”

I love this affirmation and you will too.

Practice Radical Self-Care

I wrote recently about the meaning of radical self-care and how to practice it. You might be wondering what self-care has to do with anxiety and overwhelm. The answer is everything.

When you take care of yourself, not just externally, but internally, you’ll find that you handle difficult situations with greater ease.

Taking care of yourself in this way means that you bring the best of yourself to everything you do. Your energy will be lighter, you’ll feel better, you’ll attract more people and situations that feel good to you.

Self-care is not selfish, it is exactly the opposite. Learn how to take good care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically and spiritually and you won’t allow anxiety and overwhelm to take over again.

It’s unrealistic to think that you’ll never encounter another situation that is stressful or that causes some anxiety. But when you practice the strategies outlined in this article, you will be able to take control before you start feeling overwhelmed.

The more you do this, the easier it gets and the better it gets. These strategies work and they are simple.

Whether you feel overwhelmed at work, overwhelmed at home, or overwhelmed with life in general, you don’t need to look outside yourself for solutions. Pick one of these strategies and use it. When you’ve mastered that, choose another one, and so on.

You have the power to bounce back quickly from anxiety and overwhelm.

If you’re ready to make a change, but feel too overwhelmed to start, contact me for a complimentary 15-minute Breakthrough Session and together we’ll create a plan for you to bounce back.

There are many things that can cause stress, anxiety or even overwhelm.

Something that feels stressful or overwhelming to you might not affect someone else the same way.

Whatever it is that creates anxiety or overwhelm for you, it’s important to know how to recognize and manage it so you can restore your balance and calm.

It’s helpful to have some tools available to use when you do find yourself in a situation that creates anxiety or becomes overwhelming.

This short video shares a simple but powerful technique that will help you feel better, and help you handle any stressful situation.

Introduction

There are many ways we can (and do) undervalue ourselves. Some of them may seem quite harmless, but little by little, every time you do it, you chip away at your sense of self-worth, value, self-esteem and confidence.

I see and hear people do it every day, in ways they’re not even aware of, and I still catch myself doing it sometimes, even though I know better!

This article looks at some of the ways we undervalue ourselves and, most importantly, how to stop.

What is Undervaluing, and Why Does it Matter?

In an article on the mindshift.money blog, author Dr. Tony Pennells says “when you undervalue your own merit as a person, you tell yourself - and the world - that you’re unworthy or less than everyone else. And that can wreak havoc not just on your money but on all areas of your life.”

It’s not just about how undervaluing affects you financially, it really has an impact on all areas of your life.

There’s no doubt that when you undervalue yourself, others will too. There is a saying that “we teach people how to treat us,” and it’s very true. We teach people by what we allow and tolerate, as well as how we talk to and about ourselves.

Have you ever heard someone say “I’m useless at that”? Or perhaps when somebody gives them a compliment they might say “oh, it was nothing.” Words like these can slip out of our mouths so easily, and often that’s nothing compared to the kinds of undervaluing thoughts we have that we don’t give voice to.

It’s not just about how others see you, it’s about how you see yourself, how you treat yourself and what you allow into your life.

Undervaluing yourself can cost you in many ways and often you may not even know you’re doing it. For example:

Personally
You may find that people don’t respect you or your time. You find it difficult to set boundaries and so other people take advantage of you or are rude to you. As a result, your confidence and self-esteem are low. The worse and more insecure you feel, the more difficult you find it to enjoy relationships with others - either romantically or socially.

When you value yourself you do set boundaries, you won’t allow someone to be rude to you or take advantage of you. You are confident in your ability to let people know you won’t tolerate being treated poorly.

Professionally
If you want to have a meaningful and fulfilling career and enjoy the highest levels of success, you must learn to value yourself. When you don’t,  you may find yourself being overlooked for promotions, or struggling to promote yourself in your company or in your business.

This can cost you financially as you are not paid what you’re really worth.

Physically
Undervaluing yourself can take its toll physically. When you value yourself you tend to take better care of yourself. Valuing yourself means you want to take care of your body, you want to eat well, to exercise and to feel good.

Mentally
When you don’t value yourself your self-esteem is low. Low self-esteem makes you vulnerable to depression. Those who are successful and fulfilled and who truly enjoy life have a healthy mental outlook. When you don’t value yourself, and others don’t value you, it’s hard to notice or focus on anything that’s positive. Your mind finds it difficult to go there and it stays attached to everything that’s wrong in your life.

Emotionally
I think deep down what everyone really wants is to be happy and enjoy life. Nobody wants to be miserable and unhappy. Undervaluing affects your moods and your ability to allow yourself to experience happiness. Often, when people undervalue themselves they have a deep-seated belief that they don’t deserve to be happy. That’s a belief that will negatively impact all areas of your life.

Relationships
When you begin to really value yourself you will notice a shift and improvement in your relationships and experiences, and very importantly in how you feel.

As with everything, the first step to change is awareness, the second is a willingness to change.

How to Start Valuing Yourself

Awareness
The first and most important step is to become aware of when, where and how you undervalue yourself.

It can be something that’s so deeply ingrained, and that you’re so used to doing that you’re not at all aware of it.

Here are some of the most common ways we undervalue ourselves. Pay attention to which ones apply to you.

Self-Doubt
Do you frequently doubt yourself and your abilities? If you grew up with constant criticism and negative messages then chances are you do often doubt yourself.

I also know people who were pushed to succeed when they were younger and who never quite felt they were capable of accomplishing what their parents wanted them to, consequently they doubt themselves as adults.

For those who had narcissistic parents or who were perceived as being “too sensitive” the criticism and being made to feel that who you are is wrong can be too much to bear.

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent self-doubt will most likely be deeply programmed within you. An article in Psychology Today states that “if raised by a narcissistic parent, an adult child will invariably be fearful that they will grow up to be narcissistic themselves. This makes it difficult to give self credit for fear of being arrogant or behaving like a narcissist.”

No matter where it comes from, doubting yourself and your abilities is a sure sign that you’re undervaluing yourself.

I used to be filled with self-doubt, but when I started working I began to receive very different messages from the ones I had heard growing up. People told me what a great job I did. They told me I was conscientious. I received promotions.

I noticed that my colleagues tended to bring me work to do, rather than giving it to someone else because they felt I did a better job! This led me to start questioning everything I thought I knew (and was told) about myself growing up.

Take Action
To be able to let to go of feelings of self-doubt I recommend two things:

Each time you catch yourself saying “I can’t” do something or doubting your abilities in any way, stop and ask yourself:

• “What if I can do this?”
• “What if I’m really good at this?”
• “What if I’m the best person to do this?

Your mind might resist the idea, but keep asking the question. It’s a good way to quieten the inner critic that tells you that ‘you can’t’, and you may be pleasantly surprised at what you do actually accomplish.

The second thing is to start a list of all the things you’ve accomplished, and all the things you feel good about achieving throughout your life. No matter how small it may seem, add it to the list if it was meaningful to you at the time.

A business coach I was working with once asked me to do this because she wanted to see what types of things I’d done in the past. Not only was she amazed when I produced my list, so was I. There were so many things I’d achieved that I’d forgotten about or not even considered as particularly special at the time, but when I saw the list and looked back on all the things I’d done it helped me to see that there was no more room for self-doubt in my life.

You’ve already accomplished many great things, I know you have. But I bet you’ve forgotten most of them, or never really appreciated them at all. Make that list - I think you’ll find that you’re capable of so much more than you think and you’ll start to see that you don’t need to doubt yourself any more.

Sensitive to the Opinions of Others
When others have the ability to upset you or diminish you in some way, you are definitely undervaluing yourself.

As a recovering people-pleaser I know how difficult this can be. You want to fit in. You want people to like you. You want to feel like you’re doing a good job. But if someone else has the power to upset you by what they say or do - you’ve given them that power.

One of the things that helped me overcome this is the following affirmation/statement from Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements:

The thing I learned which is so powerful, is that when other people are feeling insecure or in pain themselves, they will often lash out at someone else in an attempt to either help themselves feel better, or to make someone else feel as bad as they do. So it really doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Of course, it’s not nice when you’re the person they are lashing out at, but if you remind yourself that what they are doing/saying/feeling has nothing to do with you, then you don’t have to take it on. You don’t have to let yourself be affected by them.

Take Action
This is not something that changes overnight, but if you start to be aware of when and how this happens, you can start to change it in small ways. Print out this statement by Don Miguel Ruiz and keep it somewhere where you can see it. Read it whenever you feel someone is making you feel bad. Start taking your power back in small ways and it will get easier with time.

This has been a life-changer for me, because I used to be deeply affected by other people’s negative comments and criticism, and it can be life changing for you too.

Fear of Failure or Success
Do you hold yourself back because you’re afraid you might fail? Do you say no to things you’d really like to say yes to?

Nobody likes to fail, and that’s doubly true for you if you happen to be a perfectionist. Any time you attempt something new there’s a possibility that there will be a learning curve and that it may take some time for you to get it right. That’s true for anyone, but if you don’t even try because you’re afraid of failing, that goes back to the self-doubt that we talked about earlier.

Along with fear of failure, there is also fear of success. At first you may wonder why anyone would have a fear of succeeding. Doesn’t everybody want to succeed?

I think that fear of success can be more devastating than fear of failure, because it’s more likely to go undetected. If you find yourself unable to go beyond a certain level without something happening to stop you - almost as if you’re sabotaging yourself - then you may be experiencing fear of success.

It could be that there’s a fear of what will happen once you do achieve the goals you set for yourself. Perhaps you’re really afraid that:

• you’ll lose contact with certain friends
• certain family members will be jealous
• greater success will lead to you being busier than you want to be
• you’ll have to travel more than you want or
• you’ll have less free time to do things you love to do.

Take Action
How do you know that you have one or both of these fears and what do you do about it?

One helpful way I’ve found is to sit quietly, close your eyes, and imagine yourself doing what it is you want to be doing. Imagine yourself reaching the goal you’ve set. Visualize it in as much detail as you can. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?

Next, pay attention to how you feel as you visualize this. Do you feel relaxed and happy? Do you feel energized? That’s great.

Or, do you find it difficult to visualize? Is it hard to imagine yourself accomplishing what you want? If so, it may be that you don’t believe you can do it. You feel it’s not possible, that you’ll fail. It’s possible that you have a fear of failure.

Or, do you notice some stress in your body, some tightness or pain. Do you notice some anxiety as you see yourself reaching your goal? It’s possible that you’re experiencing a fear of success.

I’ve always enjoyed coaching people. I enjoy doing individual coaching and group coaching. A few years ago I had just completed a program to help me establish a full-time coaching practice, but even though I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, things weren’t happening in the way that I wanted or expected. My coaching practice was not growing and I felt frustrated.

So one day I sat down and did this exercise. I visualized myself with a full coaching practice, talking with several clients each day.

As I did this I noticed that there was a tightness in my chest. It was hard for me to breathe. I was experiencing anxiety.

When I took the time to examine what I was feeling and what was behind it, I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted. The idea of being on the phone all day, everyday, with one client after another felt too restrictive to me.

From this exercise I realized that, although I love coaching, I also want to be doing other things - like creating courses, and online programs, writing and doing other creative projects. This was very enlightening for me because I realized the goal I was striving for was not right for me. No wonder I was afraid of succeeding!

So now I have structured my business very differently. I do have coaching clients, but not all day, every day. It’s a much better fit for me and I have the freedom I really wanted.

Another helpful way to identify if fear of failure or success is holding you back is to write about it. Take a notebook and complete the following statements - allow yourself to write without thinking, and write whatever comes to you:

• My biggest fear is that...
• What I’m really afraid of is…
• I’m afraid that if I fail I will….
• I’m afraid that if I fail others will….
• I’m afraid that if I succeed I will….
• I’m afraid that if I succeed others will…

This activity may bring up some key insights for you.

Shame and Feeling Not Good Enough
Renowned shame researcher, Brene Brown, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

The belief that you’re not good enough affects the way you think and feel and everything you do. When you feel there’s something wrong with you then you do experience shame, which certainly links to undervaluing yourself.

This is a deep-seated belief and I’m not going to pretend that there’s a simple way to move beyond it. This article in Psychology Today that explains how a therapist would help someone deal with this. The important thing is to recognize that you feel this way, that you have this belief and that you carry a sense of shame.

Many people who are highly sensitive are all too familiar with these feelings, particularly if they grew up in a family that did not understand them, and where they were made to feel there was something wrong with them.

As a highly sensitive person myself, and as many of my clients are also highly sensitive, I understand first-hand how difficult it is to value yourself when you feel the shame of not being good enough.

Take Action
When you feel this way, it is very important that you find people who are supportive and understand exactly what you’re experiencing. Building a community of encouraging and supportive people is crucial, as is distancing yourself from those who continue to make you feel that you’re not good enough.

Financial Struggle
A study published in the Journal of Economic Psychology shows there is a correlation between self-esteem and how much money people make.

When you don’t recognize your true value and worth, it’s likely you’ll find you’re being paid less than others that perhaps have less ability and experience than you.

If you work for an organization you may not feel confident enough to ask for a raise or a reasonable starting salary. If you work for yourself, you may experience difficulty charging what you’re worth or finding customers who are willing to pay what you’re worth.

If you are struggling financially in any way, it’s likely that you have some unhelpful beliefs about money and what you feel you deserve, which lead you to not value yourself enough.

Here are some common beliefs about money that will cause you to undervalue yourself:

• Money is the root of all evil
• Most rich people probably did something bad or dishonest to get their money
• Money isn’t that important
• I don’t enjoy managing money
• I’m not good at managing money
• Rich people aren’t happy

Take Action
Casey Brown is a Pricing Consultant. In her TED Talk she shares helpful stories and learnings that can help you know your worth, better communicate your value and get paid for your excellence.

I also think it’s helpful to become aware of the beliefs you have about money that may be causing you to undervalue yourself, your skills, talents and abilities and stopping you from asking for (and receiving) what you’re worth.

Here’s a helpful exercise that can uncover those unconscious beliefs about money that cause you to undervalue yourself:

1. Close your eyes and think about your current income and your financial situation.
2. Notice how you feel in your body - is there any tightness, anxiety, pain?
3. Pay attention to what you feel and how you feel
4. Now, imagine that your income has doubled overnight
5. Again, notice how you feel in your body and what thoughts and emotions come up
6. Ask yourself - what is it that I need to learn from what I’m feeling right now?

You may receive some insights right away, or it may take time for them to come. Writing about your experience can help you uncover what’s going on more quickly.

Most importantly, going forward, become aware of any thoughts and feelings you have when it comes to money and receiving what you’re worth - and what you feel you’re worth.

Awareness is the key to change. Once you become aware of the beliefs you have around money and how they contribute to you undervaluing yourself, you will start the process of change.

Comparing
When did you last compare yourself to someone and then had the thought that the person you were comparing yourself to was somehow better than you?

We do it all the time: “That person’s fitter, smarter, taller, thinner, younger, faster, wealthier, more accomplished, etc., than me.”

Whenever you measure yourself against other people, you lose sight of your own value. Instead, it’s much more important to focus on who YOU are, what YOUR skills, gifts and talents are and what YOU want out of life.

It really doesn't matter what someone else does or what they want. We are all different. We all have different abilities and desires. Comparing yourself to others is not helpful and is really a waste of time and energy.

You might compare yourself to someone else and find yourself thinking that you’re somehow better than them and you might think that’s a sign that you do value yourself highly. But I think if you really valued yourself then you wouldn’t feel the need to compare in the first place.

When you compare yourself to others, you’re more likely to feel insecure, envious, and discontented.

Take Action
Again, comparing is something you probably are not even aware you’re doing most of the time. So the key is to bring it into your awareness. For example:

• Did you hear about someone who makes more money than you and feel envious or dissatisfied?
• Do you have a colleague, family member or friend who tends to brag and who makes you feel inferior in some way?
• Do you feel irritated or upset when you see someone driving an expensive car or you hear about someone (like a sports personality) who makes millions?
• Do you find yourself making statements like “I’m not as good at …. as this person” or “I wish I was more like…”?

When you experience feelings of envy, discontent or dissatisfaction in this way, then you are comparing (and undervaluing) yourself.

Here’s an affirmation you will find useful. Any time you become aware that you’re comparing yourself to someone else, repeat this to yourself:

I release the need to compare myself to others. I am good enough just as I am.

Conclusion

I hope you can see that undervaluing yourself is not helpful, it’s not productive and it serves no-one. I hope you are also beginning to see how you may be doing it without even knowing.

You might be thinking that it’s too difficult to change. I’m living proof that it’s not. I grew up thinking I had no value, that I had nothing to offer and I have turned that around completely. I wouldn’t even recognize the person I was back then.

If I can do it I know you can too. It’s one of the greatest joys for me when I work with clients who undervalue themselves and feel they’re not good enough - to see them learn how to fully embrace who they are, become more confident, and own their value and worth.

The first step is always awareness, and a willingness and desire to stop the behavior that is not serving you. Once you know where, when and how you undervalue yourself, you can stop doing it, little by little, until you eventually break free completely.

Once you experience the benefits, you will never want to go back! Commit to taking the first step today.

Are you ready to stop undervaluing yourself but don't know where and how to start? Contact me for a  complimentary15-minute clarity session and I’ll point you in the right direction.

How do you undervalue yourself?

Sometimes you might be aware that you’re doing it, sometimes you might not be aware.

As I’ve looked into this more deeply over the years, I’ve found that there are many ways this undervaluing can happen.

This video shares what’s probably the most common way we undervalue ourselves. I think it’s something we all do at some time or another, and you might be doing it more often than you think!

I hope you enjoy the video and that it encourages you to learn how to stop undervaluing and start valuing yourself a little more each day.

Introduction
Radical self-care is the idea that when you accept full responsibility for taking care of yourself first before trying to take care of others, not only will you benefit, so will everyone around you.

It encompasses the idea that self-care is not just about doing nice things for yourself. It’s also about what you do and how you show up for yourself every single day.

With stress levels at new highs around the world due to the pandemic, it’s more important now than ever to bring out the best in ourselves by embracing the concept of true self-care.

In this post, I’ll share 7 examples of self-care that you may not have considered, yet can make a big difference right away.

Why is Self-Care Important?
The concept of radical self-care may be foreign to many of us, and yet when you think about it, it should be the most natural thing in the world.

When you love, and nurture yourself just as you would a loved one, you have more energy to give. You feel fulfilled and motivated and just by taking care of yourself everyone around you benefits.

A recent article in Psychology Today states that it’s not about forcing yourself to be in a positive state all the time. That’s unrealistic. Instead, it’s about finding ways to be in a positive state more often. “To find ways to nurture and nourish ourselves so we can stay more centered.”

Image by Tiny Tribes, Pixabay

Let Go of Perfectionism
It may seem strange to be talking about perfectionism in an article on self-care. But as a recovering perfectionist myself, I know the harm that can come from attempting to be a perfectionist in all areas of your life.

Image by Gerd Altmann, Pixabay

I was not only creating extreme stress for myself by being a perfectionist, I was making it difficult for others to be able to really connect with me.

Of course, there can be times when perfectionism might be a good thing – for example, if I’m about to have surgery, I’d really like it if the surgeon operating on me was something of a perfectionist.

If someone is doing work for me, I do like them to have perfectionist tendencies because that means they’re more likely to do a good job, particularly if it’s fine detail work.

Being a perfectionist can frequently get in the way though, and can even be very unhealthy. For example, perfectionists often don’t just have high standards, they can have unrealistic expectations and standards.

Like many people, I used to find it really difficult to delegate or to let anyone help me. I usually ended up doing things myself because it seemed easier and I knew it would be done the ‘right’ way.

As I discovered, that’s a really good route to stress and exhaustion. You can only keep that up for so long, and it really is a turn-off for others because they know you don’t trust them.

Before you know it, you HAVE to do everything yourself, because nobody else wants to set themselves up for rejection by trying to help you!

Perfectionists generally have a set of rules they live by and they expect others to live up to those rules. That’s setting yourself up for frequent disappointment - because other people won’t be able to live up to your rules. Most of the time they don’t even know what they are!

For example, you might have rules about always being on time, being considerate to others, doing a job a certain way or even cleaning up after yourself. If you expect everyone else to follow those same rules too, you’ll very often be disappointed.

Research has shown that perfectionist tendencies have been linked to things like:

• Depression and anxiety
• Social anxiety disorders
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Chronic fatigue syndrome
• Eating disorders, and much more

This article in Medical News Today shows how perfectionism can affect your mental health.

So perhaps there is a healthy version of perfectionism, which is about having high standards, motivation, discipline and wanting to a good job, and an unhealthy version, which is when your best never seems good enough and everything seems to frustrate you.

Also, you might need to be more of a perfectionist in your work, but perhaps it’s not serving you to be a perfectionist in other areas of your life.

The key is to notice where and how it serves you, and where it doesn’t. Also to recognize that being hyper-critical of yourself and everything you do is not serving you either.

This is how it applies to self-care.

I began to notice that for me, my perfectionist tendencies were mostly not serving me. So I now acknowledge that I’m a recovering perfectionist. I still have high standards, and I always like to do a good job, but I no longer beat myself up if I make a mistake, I just put it right to the best of my ability and move on.

Examine Your Expectations

The next area where you might not recognize an opportunity for improved self-care is with your expectations.

Your expectations are set by the beliefs that you have. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” If you expect yourself to fail, then you will, and if you expect yourself to succeed, then you will.

Just like most things, expectations can be helpful or not helpful. So it’s important to be aware of the expectations you have and how they are serving you. You may have some unhelpful expectations that you’re not aware of, and they can make life unnecessarily difficult.

It’s particularly important for those of us who are empathic and/or highly sensitive to be aware of and pay attention to our expectations because we tend to have extremely (and often unrealistically) high expectations of ourselves, and therefore of others.

Also, because we see and experience things in a different way, with a lot more sensory input, we often have a tendency to expect that others see and feel what we do, which they don’t, and can’t. When we expect them to, this sets us up for massive disappointment.

Here are some examples of expectations that can get in the way:

• The expectation that life should always be fair – it would be nice if this were true. Unfortunately, things often happen that are not fair. The more you hold on to the unfairness of something that’s happened, the more stuck and frustrated you will feel.
  
  
• The expectation that other people should have the same values and integrity as you – I’m sure that by now you’ve experienced the fact that this is not true. Yet people often hold onto this expectation.
  
  
• The expectation that other people should have the same level of empathy as you – they won’t and in many cases can’t. If you’re an empath, the majority of people can never understand and feel the same way you do. Holding onto this expectation will not only continue to disappoint and upset/frustrate you, but it will also affect many of your relationships.
  
  
• Then there’s the expectation that you can help everyone  or change someone – the truth is, not everybody wants to be helped, and it’s not your responsibility to take on the problems of others. If someone doesn’t want to change or doesn’t see that they need to, then nothing you say or do will persuade them otherwise.
  
  If someone does come to you because they have a problem and they need help, you can support and guide them through it, but the change has to come from within them. There is only one person you can change, and that is you. I know from experience that holding onto this expectation will leave you feeling exhausted.

These are just some of the expectations that can get in the way. Keep in mind that highly sensitive and empathic people often have many other unrealistic expectations as well, such as: that other people should understand you, people should automatically know and respect your boundaries, or that you should try to fit in and be like everyone else.

As with everything, it comes down to awareness. The more aware you become of your expectations, the more you will be able to see whether they are supporting you or standing in your way. Can you see how awareness of your expectations will contribute to caring for yourself?

Be Aware of the Emotions and Intention (Energy) Behind Your Thoughts and Actions

Think about someone who wants to lose a few pounds and become a little healthier. Every time she exercises it’s because she hates how she looks and is desperate to lose the extra weight.

You could argue that she is taking care of herself by exercising. So that is self-care. I would argue that it’s not self-care, because the energy and emotion behind it is coming from fear and disgust.

If, every time you exercise, you’re doing it because you don’t like yourself, that is not self-care. Imagine if, instead, you exercised because it feels good, because you know it’s good for your body and because there are many benefits to it.

The intention then is different. You’re doing it because it’s good for you, rather than because you feel you hate your body and have to lose the weight.

The energy is different. One is self-care, the other clearly isn’t.

Image by John Hain, Pixabay

This applies to everything you do. All that’s required is a shift in the way you’re thinking and feeling about what you’re doing. When you do something because it’s good for you and it feels good to do it, you’ll experience much better results than when you do it because you have to or because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t.

If you’re not sure how you can make this change, try asking yourself this question: “What would be the most loving way to approach this?” When you take the time to ensure that the energy behind what you’re doing is supportive, you are truly practicing self-care.

Honor and Embrace Your Uniqueness

There’s so much pressure to be like everyone else and to follow the crowd. This article in Psychology Today explains some of the science behind why we are so influenced by others.

When I was growing up I just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. It was clear though that I wasn’t like everyone else. I didn’t enjoy the same things, I didn’t think the same way, I felt and experienced things that others didn’t.

For many years I couldn’t understand why I had such a hard time fitting in, why others didn’t understand me, and kept telling me I was wrong to be and feel the way I did. I really wanted to be like everyone else, but it was exhausting.

Eventually, I discovered the trait of Sensory Processing Sensitivity, thanks to the research of and books written by Dr. Elaine Aron. Learning that this is a trait that applies to others, as well as me was life-changing.

I discovered that approximately 20% of the population has nervous systems that are ‘wired’ differently, making them much more sensitive to sensory input. Understanding this finally helped me make sense of me.

As I learned more, my whole life made much more sense to me. I realized also that the majority of the clients I have worked with over the years also have this trait. I was amazed at how this had happened naturally.

Once I stopped trying to fit in and be like everyone else I was able to connect with my true self. Once I started owning that and embracing it I found that my relationship with others naturally improved.

Image by John Hain, Pixabay

Knowing who you are, owning it, and allowing yourself to be that is the ultimate in self-care I think. Self-awareness is crucial for everyone - and if you feel that you are very different from others, then it’s even more important to explore exactly what that means.

I’d like to introduce you to 2 other forms of self-care that may be new to you. To explain them, I’ve invited 2 experts to tell you more:

Nature Connection as Self-Care and Earth Care
by Joan Vorderbruggen

"Long before I was old enough to understand what it meant to be an introvert or a highly sensitive person, I recognized that nature was my refuge when I needed to take a break from a stressful or overly stimulating situation.  The natural environment became a place I sought to find joy, to feel a sense of curiosity…wonder…peace. During times of heartbreak and loss, Nature was there to heal, to gently (or powerfully!) remind me that there are seasons in all life - death, dormancy, planting of seeds and growth.  When I found I could become certified to share Nature’s source of healing and well-being with others, I decided to train as a guide for Shinrin-Yoku (Forest Bathing).

We are at an incredibly powerful time in history right now: our natural environment is severely stressed, and we as human beings are as well, not only due to the pandemic, but with so many other sources of anxiety weighing on us. These may be amplified if we’re particularly sensitive to the world around us or to emotions that others project outwardly. However, this powerful confluence of human and environmental upheaval can also serve as a catalyst for transformation for both - after all, we ARE part of Nature and it is a part of us.  We have a innate biological connection to the natural world, and it is only in the very last few minutes of human existence on earth that we have not been intimately connected with the land!"

To say we should reconnect with Nature in a mindful way is a bit of an oxymoron, for if there is to be a deep, rejuvenating connection made with Earth’s healing properties, we must actually allow ourselves to get away from our thoughts!  There is continual and mounting scientific justification that time in Nature can reduce depression and stress (which leads to some of our most life-threatening diseases), and can lower high blood pressure and heart rates. Intentional, engaged time in Nature can also strengthen our immune system and improve our overall feeling of well-being.  To gain the most benefits, it’s important to try to let go of thoughts, and to allow some time (10 minutes, though a couple hours is even better!).  Engage the senses by listening to the sounds of the natural environment, feeling the sun or mist or breeze, smelling the air or vegetation, and of course, paying attention to what we see - whether it be the clouds moving across the sky, a tiny ant climbing a blade of grass, or the dappled light on moving water.

It is my belief that if we can care for ourselves through being more present in Nature, we will also find ourselves caring for the Earth.  Connecting deeply to our natural surroundings can give us the strength and support to heal and achieve a greater sense of well-being.

I invite you to connect with my blog post with both a written and recorded audio of a Forest Bathing “invitation” where I guide you through a sensory 25 minutes in a natural setting of your choosing.  

I have always felt most comfortable in nature. I particularly love being around trees and am fortunate enough to have plenty of them where I live. Whenever I feel stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, spending even just a few minutes in nature restores my energy and brings me back to balance."

I encourage you to visit Joan’s blog and to learn more about the self-care technique of Forest Bathing. If you'd like to learn more, check out Joan's book: Wild Calm: Finding Mindfulness in Forest Bathing, which is available online through her web site and at book stores.

Storytelling as Radical Self-Care
By Leah Walsh

“Wait for meeee!!” I holler from the bathroom, releasing any final bits of toothpaste from my mouth.

Jumping over the side of our worn out couch, my 8-year-old gymnast body squirms and settles in next to my younger twin brothers who are saddled up to my mother. Her knees are bent so the open book resting against them is well lit by my aunt’s passed-down lamp that stands on duty, loyally streaming down from the table behind her.

As a young child, these nights of reading before bed were my version of heaven. My love for stories started with my first breath.

Whose stories?

I will gladly vouch that spending time with a good story is a form of self care. My heart has melted and been smoothed over countless times when following characters who navigate paths that mirror my inner world. However, what I want to share today is actually how telling our own story can be a form of radical self care.

Why storytelling?

So many sensitive people don’t feel heard and seen in a multitude of ways by the time we reach adulthood. One of the secrets that I’ve learned is that our stories are storehouses for our personal power. If we don’t even feel ourselves worthy of having a story to tell, then we can’t know our strengths or be loved by people who are able to safely meet us in the present moment.

As we make space for our stories, it’s amazing to see how they change! Some parts wither, some get pinned to the earth like a gravestone, some brighten, some sing. As this happens, our brain and biology also shift. Stories help our rich inner landscapes meet the outer world - they help us know and be known - for the challenge and beauty that makes us.

Image by John Hain, Pixabay

Playful Practice - The story of your sensitivity

Think back to the time you started to realize you were highly sensitive. Was there something about that re-frame of your own life experiences that helped you narrate your own story in a new way? It was for me! That is an example of how telling your story inherently ask you to clarify what you really believe about yourself, your lived experiences, and the way they shape and define you.

Recently, this article was shared with me. This piece re-frames high sensitivity as “sensory intelligence.” This simple change in language helped several people in my community feel like their sensitivity was not a liability to manage, but actually came with clear gifts that can impact all areas of their lives. They started to rewrite and explore their own story in new ways.

Today I witness clients put their gifts of deep empathy, strong emotional intelligence, loyalty to meaningful work that values their unique contributions on the top of their resume. “I want them to celebrate me. If they can’t value these gifts I have along with my preferences that help me excel at work, then I am not their person.” This narrative pivots from the I’ll do whatever anyone else needs of me in order to be worthy narrative that was certainly my survival strategy as a kid…and is quite common for sensitive kids (and adults) so tuned into the adults in their lives.

So I’m excited to ask you - What narrative pivots are you ready to make as you begin to tell your story? What is possible? Can we honor the pain and loss of the past while continuing to ask, What does it mean to thrive?

Ways to Practice

Write. Two of my favorite prompts are, This is what I really want to tell you… and What I really don’t want to tell you....

Listen. Podcasts, storytelling events, observe your friends, interview your relatives - be with people who engage the craft of storytelling.

Tell. Find the people who have earned your trust. Lean into your senses. Explore simple ways to share your story. Be slow and gentle, but begin.

Resources to Explore
The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
The Moth Storytelling Events and Podcast
Healing the Mind through the Power of Story by Lewis Mehl-Madrona
Brave & Tender Monthly Virtual Meet-ups for sensitive & neurodivergent humans

About Leah
Leah Walsh (she/her) is a student of storytelling, believing it to be an art capable of integrating the past while clearing space for a just and beautiful future for all beings. Her signature coaching program supports highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and introverted leaders to ground their confidence, cultivate deep-rooted belonging and awaken their unique impact. To learn more about Leah’s work, visit leahkwalsh.com."

Be Kinder to Yourself

You always know when a friend is a true friend when they are willing to tell you uncomfortable truths.

My good friend Jackie once told me something about myself that was difficult to hear. We were discussing a challenge I was having with a particular person who was routinely rude to people and did not seem to have any respect for anyone.

I was struggling with this and said that I found it difficult to understand how a person could be so mean to others. My dear friend then told me that in fact I was mean - to myself.

It took me by surprise, but I had to admit it - she was right. As mean as that person was to others, I was that (and more) to myself.

I talked to and treated myself in ways that I wouldn’t dream of treating anyone else. I think that many people are the same way. We are our own harshest critics.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Since then I have discovered that when I treat myself with kindness and respect, other people do too. I accomplish more and it’s a much nicer way to be.

The idea of self-love is difficult for many people.It was certainly difficult for me back then. It isn’t any more, but if you find the idea of self-love difficult, at the very least make an effort to be kinder to yourself.

This is the most basic act of self-care.

Image by Renee Bigelow, Pixabay

When you catch that critical voice berating you stop and ask yourself how you would treat someone else. What would you say to someone you loved? Now say that to yourself.

Find ways to be kinder to yourself and then every other aspect of self-care that’s been presented here will come more naturally.

Summary
These examples show how we have the opportunity everyday to choose self-care in multiple ways. Radical self-care requires awareness. It requires you to be conscious of who you are and how you are showing up for yourself in all areas of your life.

You can choose to let go of feeling not good enough, and the expectations you hold that are not serving you. You can choose to find the most joyful and caring ways to do whatever you need to do, rather than being harsh with yourself.

Radical self-care means knowing who you are, what your needs are and unapologetically allowing yourself to be you. Restoring your connection with nature helps you restore your connection with your (true) self. Sharing your story with others not only opens you up and helps you claim your uniqueness - it helps others do the same.

Most importantly, you can make a commitment to greater self-care by being willing to be kinder to yourself.

When you take better care of yourself everyone benefits. You’ll find that your energy and experiences improve - personally and professionally.

What is one thing you can take away from this that will help you connect more deeply with yourself?

If you’d like to learn more strategies for maintaining your energy balance, particularly at work, sign up for my Free Guide for Maintaining Your Energy Balance (and Sanity) at Work.

When we think of self-care we usually think doing something nice for ourselves, like taking time to relax, read a book, have a massage or something else that feels good.

I'd like to invite you to think a little more deeply about how you take care of yourself on a daily basis.

In this video I share ways of choosing self-care that you may not have considered, that will encourage you to:

• Think more deeply about the meaning of self-care
  
• Become aware of everyday things you do that may negatively affect your self-care
• Think about what you can easily change to take better care of yourself.
  
  

It's not just about doing nice things for yourself.It's also about what you do and how you think and feel every single day.