Things are not what they seem… I was talking to someone recently who was wondering why it is that ‘bad’ people seem to do so well when ‘good’ people struggle.

 Her point was that people who are rude, uncaring and selfish seem to get ahead, while those who are considerate, empathic, and focused on helping others seem to struggle.

It certainly can seem this way, although, what I know now, after years of working with all kinds of people, is that appearances can be very deceptive. There’s always a lot more going on behind the scenes than you know and the more I thought about it, the more some really good points came to the surface that were helpful for me to consider, and so I thought I would share them with you.

1. When people are rude and hurtful to others, it’s usually a way of dealing with their own deep pain. It can be an attempt to make themselves feel better by passing on some of their pain. True – that’s not a good thing to do, but sometimes when you’re in that much pain, you’ll do anything to ease it.
   
   
2. People who are selfish and only think of themselves can actually teach us something. If you’re someone who never takes care of yourself, and is always focused on others at the expense of yourself, selfish people come into your life to show you that putting yourself last is not healthy. As an empath and an Enneagram number Two (the Helper) this was a lesson I had to learn for myself (am still learning). Putting yourself first actually allows you to do more for others – it is the opposite of selfish.
   
   
3. Often we see people who seem to ‘have it all,’ and this may make us feel somewhat inadequate or lacking But you don’t know what’s really going on in their life. People who are focused only on outer success are often very lonely and dissatisfied. They often struggle with relationships – I know several people who are very successful financially and in business yet they struggle with relationships and they are unhappy. They have the success but don’t feel fulfilled.
   
   
4. Comparing yourself to others will always leave you feeling dissatisfied. It’s a waste of your energy because by comparing you are giving your power away. Focus on yourself, what you want, and what you need to do for you, rather than on what other people are or are not doing or do or do not have.
   
   
5. You never know what’s really going on for somebody else if you are not living their life and walking in their shoes. Assumptions can be very dangerous, and you really cannot go by appearances alone.
   
   
6. If you’re highly sensitive and/or empathic you are one of just 20% of the population. This means that the majority of people are not like you and so comparing yourself to others is really counter-productive. Not many people will have the same sensory perceptions as you or the same levels of empathy, and will not be affected by the same things. If you expect them to, you will be very disappointed and frustrated indeed.

I think the message is clear. Put your attention on yourself and don’t worry about what others are doing. Things are rarely what they appear to be, and there are always more sides to any story. Yes, things often seem to be unfair and others may seem to have things easier than you  - but instead of focusing on them, focus on you and what you can do to improve things for yourself. I promise you’ll be much happier.

Action Step: Make a note of any situation or person that is bringing up feelings of resentment in you. What is it about that person or situation that is upsetting to you? What is that telling you about you and are you willing to let it go?

This affirmation will help:

I release the need or desire to be concerned with what others are doing or to compare myself with anyone else. I give myself permission to focus on my own needs.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda
P.S. If you're really ready to free yourself not just from comparing to others, but from all the thoughts and beliefs that stand in the way of your own success and inner peace, check out the 30 Day Change Your Thoughts Challenge. It's a course that will change your life and make everything easier!

The power of gratitude and appreciation – It’s Thanksgiving here in the U.S., and it’s a time when people stop to think about what they are thankful for. It’s even better when we take the time to do this regularly, rather than just once a year.

Here are 2 inspirational quotes that sum up the power of regularly expressing gratitude and appreciation:

“Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.” – Zig Ziglar

“Every morning when I open my curtains for that first look at the day, no matter what the day looks like – raining, foggy, overcast, sunny – my heart swells with gratitude. I get another chance.” – Oprah Winfrey

Action Step: Make a list of: 10 things you feel grateful in your life right now; 10 things you appreciate about yourself; 10 things you appreciate about your body; 10 people you are grateful to have around you. Keep this list near you and refer to it regularly.

Here’s an Unstoppable Affirmation to help you:

As I look for things to appreciate about myself and my life, I receive more and more things to be grateful for.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

When you hold yourself back… There are many ways that we hold ourselves back, and many reasons why we do it. It’s often not a conscious thing – you don’t intend to hold yourself back, but somehow you just do.
    
If you’re tired of holding yourself back and would love to stop, you first have to recognize what’s going on – Dr. Phil always says you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. So you can really only stop holding yourself back if you’re aware that you’re doing it and how you do it. It could be any of the following:

• You do what other people expect you to do, rather than what you really want to do.
• You try to please everybody.
• Your expectations and standards for yourself are unrealistically high and you feel that nothing you ever do is or could be good enough.
• You don’t take care of yourself.
• You don’t know what you really want.
• You’re not in alignment with what you really want.
• You constantly criticize yourself.
• You’re afraid of failing.
• You Compare yourself to others.

Once you are aware of how and when you tend to hold yourself back, you can change it. I don’t think you always have to know the reason why you’re holding yourself back. There can be many reasons why. I think the most important thing is to identify what you’re doing and how, and then be WILLING to change it. Even if you don’t know how to change it, being willing is the first step.

Action Step: Identify any ways and situations where you are holding yourself back and ask yourself if you’re ready and willing to stop.

This affirmation will help:

I am now ready and willing to release anything that is holding me back in any way from living the life I truly want and deserve.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

When expectations get in the way… Your expectations are set by the beliefs that you have. I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” So it's true that expectations can shape your reality.

Just like most things, expectations can be helpful or not helpful. So it’s important to be aware of the expectations you have and how they are serving you. You may have some unhelpful expectations that you’re not aware of, and they can make life unnecessarily difficult.

It’s particularly important for those of us who are empathic and/or highly sensitive to be aware of and pay attention to our expectations because we tend to have extremely (and often unrealistically) high expectations of ourselves, and therefore of others. Also, because we see and experience things in a different way, with a lot more sensory input, we may have a tendency to expect that others see and feel what we do, when they don’t (and can’t). This sets us up for massive disappointment.

Here are some examples of expectations that can get in the way:

Life should always be fair – it would be nice if this were true. Unfortunately, things often happen that are not fair. The more you hold on to the unfairness of something that’s happened, the more stuck and frustrated you will feel.

Other people have the same values and integrity as you – I’m sure that by now you’ve experienced the fact that this is not true. Yet sometimes we hold onto the expectation. I am reminded of this consistently when I play tennis. For some people, winning is everything, and they will employ any and all tactics (including distractions and gamesmanship) to ensure that they have the best chance of winning. This doesn’t feel right to me – but do those people care? They don’t. If I hold onto this expectation the only person who is affected is me.

Other people have the same empathy as you – they won’t and in many cases can’t. If you’re an empath, the majority of people can never understand and feel the same way you do. Holding onto this expectation will not only continue to disappoint and upset/frustrate you, but it will also affect many of your relationships.

Other people know what you’re thinking/feeling – we often have the expectation that those closest to us should understand exactly what we’re feeling and know if/when we need help and support, particularly if you are very sensitive to the needs and emotions of others. The reality is that very often (if not most of the time) they don’t. Again, if you are highly sensitive/empathic, it’s highly likely that they won’t – unless they are also highly sensitive. I have found that people really appreciate it when you don’t assume they know, but instead you learn to let them know what you’re feeling and ask for what you need.

You can help everyone  or change someone – not everybody wants to be helped, and it’s not your responsibility to take on the problems of others. If someone doesn’t want to change or doesn’t see that they need to, then nothing you say or do will persuade them otherwise. If someone does come to you because they have a problem and they need help, you can support and guide them through it, but the change has to come from within them. There is only one person you can change, and that is you. Holding onto this expectation can leave you feeling exhausted.

These are just some of the expectations that can get in the way. Keep in mind that highly sensitive and empathic people often have many other unrealistic expectations as well, such as: that other people should understand you, people should automatically know and respect your boundaries, or that you should try to fit in and be like everyone else.

As with everything, it comes down to awareness. The more aware you become of your expectations, the more you will be able to see whether they are supporting you or standing in your way.

Action Step: Think of a situation (or person) that is particularly frustrating to you right now. Think about your expectations for this person or situation and ask yourself if your expectations supporting or hurting you. Do you need to adjust your expectations in some way?

This affirmation will help:

I am now willing to release all expectations of myself and others that do not support me.

Be Unstoppable!

P.S. Join me for a special end of year Master Class on November 15th, the title is What You Need to Know to Go From Stuck to Unstoppable: 3 Crucial Steps For Allowing Success in Your Life. Find out more by clicking on the button below.

If you’re an empath… Being an empath means that you not only identify with what other people are feeling, you can also take it on, so you feel what they're feeling. This can be  a great gift, and it can also be a huge challenge.

You know that your thoughts and your feelings/emotions determine the level of your energy vibration. So the better you feel, and the more positive and uplifting your thoughts are, the higher your vibration, which means that you will attract more to feel good about. The opposite is also true – when you don’t feel good and your thoughts are based in fear, anxiety, guilt, etc., the lower your vibration is, which means you’ll attract people and situations with a similar vibration.

Obviously then, it’s important to take care of your vibration, by taking care of your energy, your feelings, and your thoughts – which is what these weekly tips are all about. This can be challenging for anybody, but it can be particularly challenging for empaths because how do you know what’s yours and what you’ve picked up from someone else?

Without awareness, an empath can take on the physical pain and emotions of other individuals. When this happens, it seems as though the pain and emotions are your own. It can cause a great deal of confusion and frustration when you attempt to release it, because to truly let it go, you have to recognize that it’s not yours. As an empath, you need to be aware of this whenever you are around other people – particularly large groups of people.

But there’s another source of pain and emotions that empaths are vulnerable to that’s not often mentioned – and that is the collective consciousness. Empaths can pick up and be impacted by the energies of the collective consciousness, just as they do with an individual, but it can be even stronger and more difficult to recognize and release.

It’s hard not to be impacted and feel sad and upset by the traumatic events that happen in the world. From natural disasters to wars and shootings, there’s a lot to feel sad about. However, for an empath the feelings are much deeper and stronger. You can be so deeply affected by these events that it becomes difficult to function.

Once again, it’s important to recognize what’s happening. When you notice that you feel this way and it becomes very difficult for you to let it go, it’s important to find strategies to help you, so you don’t remain stuck in a downward spiral of negative emotion, and even physical pain. Here are some strategies that can help:

• First, ask yourself if what you’re feeling is yours, someone else’s, or due to world events (collective consciousness). If you felt good before you encountered a certain person or group of people, or heard some traumatic news, it’s most likely the discomfort you’re feeling is coming from someone/somewhere else. This awareness is very helpful.
  
  
• Go outside. Being in nature is one of the most grounding things you can do. Going for a walk outside, or simply being out in nature is very therapeutic. Particularly if you are around trees and/or water.
  
  
• Go for an energy treatment. Whether it’s Reiki, Pranic Healing, Sound Healing, Breathwork, or some other energy modality, or a simple massage, this can do a lot to re-balance your energy.
  

• Exercise. If you have a favorite form of exercise, it can be very helpful for releasing unwanted energy and re-balancing/re-grounding yourself.
  
  
• Immerse yourself in water. Have an Epsom salt bath, to which you may want to add some calming therapeutic essential oils, such as lavender.
  
  
• Write about it. Writing can be extremely therapeutic, and is a great way to release any stressful thoughts. Putting them down on paper helps to release these thoughts and emotions from your body.
  
  
• Prayer and Meditation are also very helpful for calming your mind and body and surrendering what you’re feeling.
  
  
• Talk about it. Sometimes just talking about what you’re feeling with someone who will simply listen can be just what you need. Perhaps you just need to vent and let out your frustration. Don’t let it turn into a pity party though. The purpose is to release what you’re feeling, rather than holding onto it.
  

These are some ideas for maintaining your energy balance. If you have any other favorite techniques, I’d love to hear them.

Action Step: Next time you find yourself suddenly being taken over by strong emotions, identify what’s yours and what isn’t so you can more effectively release and move on.

This affirmation will also help:

“I am now willing to release and clear all negativity and stress from my body.”

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

When you’re stuck in worry mode… you may know that it is counter-productive, and yet it can be so easy to stay stuck in the pattern of worrying. Some people are more prone to worry than others and it can be very difficult to move out of it, even when you know it’s not helping.

The key to breaking the worry cycle is self-awareness. Here are some strategies to help you identify what’s really going on and break free from unhelpful worry:

• First, ask yourself if you have any control over the thing you’re worrying about. If the answer is yes, then identify at least one action that you can take right now to address the situation.
  
  
• If the answer is no – you don’t have any control over it, ask yourself why you are putting energy into something you have no control over. Is this something you want to put your energy into? What can you do to help yourself to feel even a little bit better about the situation?
  
  
• Identify when the worry started. What was happening in your life and how were you feeling before you started to worry? When you start really paying attention to this, you may find that when things are going well in your life and you’re feeling good, all of a sudden you start to worry about something. This is your past programming and conditioning kicking in – it means you’re in the process of moving beyond what you learned was possible for you and your programming says “Wait a minute, you can’t be this happy, things can’t go this well, there must be something wrong, so let’s find something to worry about.” You’ve reached what Gay Hendricks (in his book The Big Leap) calls ‘The Upper Limit Problem.’
  
  
• Relaxation techniques, such as meditation, yoga, deep breathing, walking in nature, etc., will help your mind and body to calm down. When you feel calmer you are more open to solutions coming to you.
  
  
• Turn your negative ‘what if’s’ into positive ones. For example – “what if this doesn’t work?” can be turned into “what if this works really well?” or “what if I don’t know how to do it right?” can be turned into “what if I have everything I need to be able to do this?” This is one of my favorite techniques because it’s so effective.

The most important thing is to become more aware of your thoughts, of how you feel, of when you start to worry, about what triggers the worry, what was happening before, and so on. Awareness really is the key to turning things around.

Action Step: Take an inventory of anything you are currently worried about. Ask yourself what each worry is really about. Learn as much as you can about it - your thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc. Become aware of any patterns and decide if this is where you want your energy to go.

This affirmation will help:

“I release the need to worry and choose to channel my energy and thoughts in ways that are positive and supportive.”

Be Unstoppable!

Linda
P.S. If you haven't read The Big Leap yet, I highly recommend it. It's been one of my favorite books for several years, and one I refer to often.

If only I could… [fill in the blank]. Do you ever find yourself saying something like this? “If only I could…. then I would be able to ….,” or it could be “If only so and so would….., then I would be able to ….”

It might go like this:

If only I could lose weight, then I’d feel better
If only I could make more money, then I’d be happy
If only my mother/father/sister/brother would accept or understand me, then I’d feel worthy
If only I had more clients, then I’d feel successful

This is giving your power away. It’s saying that you can’t be happy or feel good or worthy or successful unless a specific thing happens.

A better question to ask would be “how can I feel good/happy/worthy now, even though this situation is not as I want it to be?”

Once you are able to make that shift in thinking, you take your power back. You stop being at the mercy of another person or situation. You acknowledge that the situation is not as you’d like it to be, but you also acknowledge that you have the power and ability to feel good now.

This has the power to change everything because you’re not letting another person or situation hold you back in any way. You still acknowledge that you would like change, and this shift actually allows for the possibility that the change you want can happen – much more effectively than before.

Action Step: I invite you to try this out for the next week. Identify the situations where you are stuck in “if only…” and change the thought to “how can I… (as outlined above).” Pay attention to how it feels to do this, and notice any changes that occur throughout the week.

This affirmation will help:

I release the need or desire to give my power away to any other person or situation. I no longer need to wait for something else to happen before I can feel good about myself.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda
P.S. For those who REALLY want to take their power back by changing your thoughts - take the 30-Day Change Your Thoughts Challenge. The results are profound!

When you have trouble setting boundaries… it might be helpful to consider that boundaries are essential if you want to have healthy relationships and that lack of boundaries can cause a great deal of frustration, anxiety and overwhelm.


Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a skill that can be learned. Here are few things to keep in mind as you work on this important life skill:

Know what you want - It’s impossible to set good boundaries if you don’t know what’s important to you. Knowing what you want and knowing your values are is really important. A good place to start is to pay attention to what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Those feelings help you identify what your limits are. They tell you that something is off and you need to make a change.

Take responsibility - Don’t expect others to know what’s important to you and to know what you need. If you assume people know and you think it should be obvious to them, you will frequently be disappointed. They don’t know, so it’s up to you to tell them. Other people don’t think the same way you do, and they probably won’t know when they are doing something that you don’t like or that upsets you – unless you tell them.

Respect yourself – If you are naturally a respectful person – respectful of other people’s time and energy, for example, you may have an expectation that other people feel the same way. But that’s not necessarily true. You may often find that other people will not respect you until you respect yourself. Setting boundaries is a sign that you do respect yourself and others will treat you more respectfully too.

Stop being so nice – if you are a people-pleaser, like I used to be, you may feel that you have to be nice to everyone no matter what they do to you. You’re nice to everyone because you want to be liked. In fact, one important truth I’ve learned is that this behavior is not helpful to anyone. Mostly, people prefer to know where they stand with you. They don’t want you to do something if your heart’s not in it. It can take a lot of courage to learn to say no, or to tell someone that something they’re saying or doing doesn’t feel good to you – but consider that it’s actually more helpful to them if they know. Going along with something when you don’t really want to because you think it’s the right thing to do, doesn’t help anyone.

Make self-care a priority – I know you probably hear this over and over, but that’s because it’s so important. Putting yourself first gives you the energy, the peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and to fully be there for them, so this benefits everybody.  When you’re in a better place because you’re feeling good, you can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend – the best version of yourself.

For those who are highly sensitive, intuitive, and/or empathic, it’s crucial that you learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself. People tend to be drawn to you because you naturally help them feel better. Unfortunately, unless you are very aware of what’s happening, and how to manage your energy, this can result in you feeling depleted, or even in taking on their problems or dramas. Once this happens, it can be extremely difficult to know what’s happened and to let go of any negative energy that’s been passed to you. Learning to set boundaries can avoid this.

Action Step: Identify one area where something or someone is making you feel stressed and uncomfortable. Think about what you would really like to happen instead and think of a positive way that you can let your needs be known.

This affirmation may help:

It’s okay for me to set healthy boundaries. I easily create and maintain boundaries that support me and others.

Be unstoppable!

Linda

P.S. For those who are highly sensitive, intuitive, or empathic, you're invited to join our Facebook Group: Highly Sensitive Professionals and participate in our weekly Facebook Live episodes of The Liberated HSP.

How to deal with rude people – I think we all encounter someone who exhibits rude behavior from time to time. The ideal response is to disengage from that person, walk away and just not let them affect you in any way.

That’s not always possible though – particularly when you’re dealing with someone at work or a family member. So what do you do when you can’t walk away?

• Consider confronting them – sometimes it’s possible that the person isn’t aware of their behavior and would be mortified to learn that their behavior is rude and disrespectful. If you think this is the case, then you can take the person aside, and speak to them in a positive way, saying something like “I’m sure you don’t mean to do this, but when you do/say …. it has …. effect, and I thought you’d want to know.” Be aware though, that this won’t work with everyone. Sometimes confronting someone, even in a positive and respectful way, will cause them to become defensive and upset and their behavior may even become worse.
  
  
• Don’t take it personally – I know this can be difficult, but it’s really helpful to know that nothing others do is because of you. It can certainly feel personal, but if someone is being rude or disrespectful, it’s because of something that’s going on within them. That doesn’t make their behavior okay, but it does mean that you can choose to not take it on and make it your problem or be affected by it.
  
  
• Be an observer – this really helps with not taking it personally. When you can observe the behavior but not become emotionally triggered by it, you will start to see what’s really going on and recognize the internal pain they must be in to behave this way. Say to yourself “I know their behavior has nothing to do with me and I refuse to take it on or be triggered or affected by it in any way.”
  
  
• Don’t take it on – sometimes you might think it’s your responsibility to ‘fix’ or help someone who is behaving this way. It isn’t. Mostly any attempts to help will be met with resistance and more rudeness. The best response is no response. Refuse to take it on. People who habitually behave this way are used to triggering certain responses in people. They then feed off that energy  - it feeds their behavior and they do it more and more. What usually happens then, is that they begin to feel better about themselves, while you feel worse, because you’ve taken the bait and the unhealthy energy they had now becomes yours.
  
  
• Address what comes up – if you find it impossible not to get upset with their behavior, then you have to take a look at what it’s triggering in you. Have you become angry or do you feel intimidated or insecure? Those are your issues that have been triggered by this person’s behavior. They didn’t cause it, the emotions were already inside you, they have simply been triggered, and now you have a wonderful opportunity to release them. You’ll want to examine those emotions, see where they came from, ask what you need to learn from them, and then you’ll be able to let them go.
  

Also keep in mind that if you habitually attract people who are rude and disrespectful that it’s probably a sign that you are rude and disrespectful to yourself. Once you stop treating yourself this way, you’ll stop attracting these kinds of people.

I hope you find these tips helpful, I would love to hear your personal experiences as you use them. If you happen also to be highly sensitive/empathic/intuitive and or introverted, you’ll find that people with unhealthy energy – those who carry a lot of emotional pain, bullies or even narcissists – may be drawn to you because your energy is attractive to them, so it’s particularly important that you learn how to stay empowered and maintain your energy when you encounter them.

Try the following affirmation:

“I release the need to be triggered by other people’s behavior, and I refuse to let my energy be taken or manipulated in any way.”

Be Unstoppable!

Linda
P.S. If you're finding it difficult to apply these tips and to not be affected by someone's behavior, consider a Powerful Breakthrough Session - so I can help you take your power back.

Do you know your triggers? A few days ago, somebody was talking to me and asking some questions. I was a little distracted, thinking about something else and obviously didn’t respond in the way they expected. So they said “what’s wrong with you?”

I immediately felt myself becoming withdrawn, angry and upset. This question was an emotional trigger for me. Fortunately, I recognized that some deep seated emotions had been triggered and so in my mind I began to explore what was coming up for me.

Within a few minutes I recognized that this kind of question or statement was something I’d heard a lot of growing up: “what’s wrong with you?” “you’re too sensitive.” Or, “there’s something wrong with you, why can’t you be more like ….?” Ask any introvert, intuitive, empathic, or highly sensitive person and they will most likely tell you that they’ve heard the same or similar things.

Had the person simply said “what’s wrong?” or “is there something wrong?” it wouldn’t have had the same effect. It’s the inference that there is something wrong ‘with me’ that was the trigger.

I’ve spent over half of my life undoing the belief that there is something wrong with me, because as a child who was different from everyone around me, I was certainly conditioned to believe that the fact that I was different meant there was something wrong with me.

I share this story because it’s a great example of how you can use your Emotional Guidance System if you pay attention to it. Had I not used it in this way, I might have blamed the other person, and made it all their fault, which may have led to an argument, which could have resulted in a lot more upset for both of us. But I knew that it really wasn’t about them, and, when I shared this experience with them afterwards, they were relieved because they hadn’t meant it in the way that I had perceived it at all.

We all have emotional triggers. Next time someone says something which upsets you, see if you can recognize it as a trigger and explore the emotions that have been stirred up. This is emotional mastery and this is one of the things that will take you from stuck to unstoppable.

Action Step: Make a note of anything that you know is a trigger for you, see if you can identify where it came from and recognize that you can release the emotions and experiences that are stirred up by this trigger. The following affirmation can help:

“My Emotional Guidance System supports me at all times as I learn to release anything that causes me emotional pain and discomfort.”

Be Unstoppable!

Linda
P.S. If you'd like to learn more about how you can use your Emotional Guidance System to achieve Emotional Mastery, take the Emotional Relief Master Class - click the button below to find out more.