Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior – The inspiration for today’s tip comes from a conversation I had this week. The person was sharing a difficult situation at work where her boss was making life miserable for everyone.

It was particularly confusing because this boss is sometimes really nice and sometimes really horrible. She seems to take delight in upsetting and confusing people and making them wrong. It sounds as though her behavior is passive-aggressive – it’s like the person is smiling at you and saying nice things while she’s stabbing you in the back.

People like this can leave you doubting yourself and afraid to speak up. They can affect you so much that it begins to affect other areas of your life as well, because you can’t just forget about it when you leave work and it can make you dread going to work. For many people, the situation becomes so unbearable they have to quit their job.

These kinds of situations and people can make you feel powerless. Particularly when the person is in a position of authority, as in this case. But you are not powerless, there are things you can do. Here are some suggestions – I know these work because I use them all the time:

• First – it’s helpful to know where this is coming from, because the question we often ask is 'why?' Why is this person doing this to me and others? Why is this person behaving this way? I am not a psychologist, but here’s what I’ve learned from my own experiences – these people can be carrying a lot of pain and self-loathing. Their pain is so great, that the only way they think they can gain any relief is to pass some of it on to others, and they do it in any way they can. This does not excuse their behavior, but it can help to explain it. Because people who feel good about themselves and their lives would not feel the need to treat others this way.
  

 

• If you feel strong enough, address the behavior with the person – but you’ll want to keep emotion out of it, and stick purely to the facts. Of course, this can be difficult when the person is your boss, which is where the next tips come in.
  
  
• Set an intention before every interaction with this person – so if it’s at work, set your intention before you go in to work. The intention is that you will not allow this person (or anyone else) to take or manipulate your energy in any way. You will not allow them to affect you in any way.

 

• Before you go into work or have an interaction with this person, spend a few moments visualizing yourself surrounded by white light – you can imagine it as a shield, or a force field, whatever feels good to you, but the purpose of it is to keep your energy intact and to allow anything they send your way to simply bounce back.

 

• Become an observer. Once you know that your energy cannot be affected, it’s easier for you to simply observe their behavior and not be triggered by it. You can observe what’s happening without emotion. When you refuse to engage energetically and emotionally with them, they will have to find relief elsewhere.

 

• Ask yourself this question – “what is it that I need to learn about myself from this person so that I can move on?” You may not receive an answer right away, but you will eventually. Difficult people teach us a lot about ourselves and are usually in our lives for a reason. Once you know that reason, you don’t need the experience any more.

These tips may sound simple, but they are extremely effective. Try them, and let me know how you get on!

Here’s an affirmation you can use to help:

“I release the need to allow anyone to take or manipulate my energy in any way. I am safe.”

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

P.S. I mentioned it in my last post, and it's worth mentioning again - if you are an Empath or Highly Sensitive person these people (energy vampires) may well be drawn to you. Judith Orloff's book The Empath's Survival Guide offers helpful advice on how to deal with all kinds of things that can negatively affect your energy.

Recognize energy manipulators – also known as energy vampires. I like to refer to them as manipulators because they don’t always take your energy, they often try to pass on their negative energy, or influence yours in some way. Either way, interactions with them leave you feeling depleted, stressed, and sometimes physically ill, so you’ll want to learn to recognize them as soon as possible, and know what to do when you encounter them.

If you happen to be an empath and/or highly sensitive, they can and will affect you even more. They will even be drawn to you because of your positive energy and caring heart, and their affects can be even more devastating and long-lasting.

You know when you’ve encountered one when:

• you suddenly don’t feel good (such as, depressed, anxious or nauseous)
• you feel emotions that you weren’t feeling before (such as anger, sadness, frustration),
• you might feel a heavy, uncomfortable feeling inside
• you start to doubt yourself and think this is something that’s coming from you, but it isn’t
• you feel exhausted and want to withdraw or lie down

In her book The Empath’s Survival Guide, author Dr. Judith Orloff says there are 7 types of energy vampires:

1. The narcissist – everything is always only about them
2. The rageaholic – yelling, accusing, attacking, controlling
3. The victim – constantly complaining
4. The drama queen/king – non-stop dramas
5. Control freaks and critics – always telling you what you should do
6. Non-stop talker – verbal assault
7. Passive-aggressive people – smile while stabbing you in the back

Once you identify one of these personality types you can set an intention to protect yourself whenever you need to interact with them. Also, think about ways to restore your energy after you’ve been around them, and whenever possible, avoid them.

I’ll be discussing this more in-depth during my next Facebook Live episode with Lisa. CLICK HERE to join.

When you learn how to recognize and deal with these energy manipulators, you’ll be able to take care of yourself much more effectively and, in many cases, you’ll stop attracting them.

Try this affirmation:

I release the need to allow anyone to take or manipulate my energy in any way. I am safe.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

PS. If you are an empath, intuitive, or highly sensitive person, Judith's book is a must-read. It contains information that will help you to understand yourself, and know what to do to protect yourself and your energy. I've found it to be a very helpful guidebook.

What are you tolerating? The inspiration for this week’s Unstoppable Energy Tip comes from a quote I saw recently on Facebook:

“Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you.”

I know from experience that this is true. If you tolerate poor treatment, then that’s what you’ll continue to get. You may not realize that’s what you’re doing, but here are just a few examples of how we teach people how to treat us:

• When people ask you your preference on something and you always say “I don’t mind,” people will learn to stop asking you.
• When you put everyone else before yourself, you’re saying that your needs are not important, so other people will put you last as well.
• When you help others but never ask for help for yourself, people will assume you don’t want or need help.
• If you frequently say yes, when you really want to say no, people will keep asking you to do things you don’t really want to do, and expecting you to do them.
• If you never take time for yourself, people will assume that you don’t need it.

We really do teach people how to treat us, by the things we do and say (or don’t do and say) every day.

Check in with yourself to see what you might be tolerating and think about how you can start teaching yourself (and others) to treat you the way you want to be treated.

Repeat this affirmation:

I release the need to tolerate anything that doesn’t feel good and I am now willing to make myself a priority and to treat myself with the love and respect I deserve.

Don’t settle for anything less than the best.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

P.S. If your level of tolerance is reaching breaking point and you feel powerless, exhausted and overwhelmed, enroll in the Emotional Relief Master Class where for less than $30, and in less than an hour, you will learn what to do so you never feel that way again. Click on the button below to find out more.

How to handle overwhelm… Someone shared with me this week that she was beginning to feel overwhelmed with the number of things she had to do and feelings of anxiety were beginning to creep in. She asked if this ever happened to me and if so, how I handled it. It does happen to me and what I find helps the most is to practice energy management. I thought I’d share what I do in case it’s helpful for you.

The first thing I do, which may sound counter-intuitive, is to stop. I don’t want to do anything while I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious – I don’t want to bring that energy to what I’m doing, so I stop.

I make sure I have a list of all the things that need to be done, this helps because then I don’t have to worry that I might forget something.

I don’t get back to work until my energy feels better, so I do anything that helps me get my energy under control – I might go for a walk, do some meditation or exercise, practice breathing or grounding techniques – anything that releases the anxiety, calms my mind and helps me feel better.

Once my energy is in a better place and I’m feeling calmer, then and only then will I look at my list. I ask myself, what is the one thing on this list that I really want to get done? Focusing only on one thing is manageable and doesn’t feel overwhelming. Once that item is done, I ask the same thing again – what is the one thing I want to get done?

If I look at my entire list and think that I have to get multiple things done today, then I’ll go back into feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But if I give myself permission to just do one thing, I feel much calmer.

The wonderful thing about doing it this way is that I always find that I get multiple things done on my list. I’m always surprised at the end of the day when I look back to see how much I’ve accomplished.

This is a way of being gentle with yourself, and of maximizing use of your time and energy. When I take this approach I find that I complete tasks much faster and more easily and I feel good while I’m doing them.

Managing your energy, rather than your time, and allowing yourself to do one thing at a time, rather than multi-tasking is extremely effective – and much more enjoyable.

It can be scary the first time you try it because your mind will tell you that you can’t possibly get everything done, but if you give it a try I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

The other thing that helps is to use the “time” affirmation:

“Time expands for me. I have plenty of time to do everything I want to do.”

Do you have any tips for handling overwhelm? I’d love to hear them.

Own who you are – The majority of the people I work with are highly sensitive, intuitive and/or empathic. I understand them because this is who I am as well. I’m also an introvert, who is learning how to bring out her inner extrovert when needed.

I was automatically drawn to HSPs and they seem to have been drawn to me – before I even knew there was such a term or such a thing. Until I discovered the concept of being Highly Sensitive I simply thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everyone else, and the same is true for most of my clients.

It’s difficult to be different when all you want to do is fit in and be like everyone else. But what I have learned is that if you want to succeed and enjoy life, you don’t want to fit in and be like everyone else. You want to know and accept who you are and BE that. No matter what others think or say. And the more you do that, the more accepted and respected you are.

Elaine Aron says in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: “I’ve learned that in many cultures, sensitivity is highly esteemed. And while our own culture does not yet value sensitivity as much as it could – often making it harder, for example, for HSPs to find the right jobs and be treated respectfully in them – I am convinced that this will change, and that HSPs will exert increasing authority in our world, very comfortably.”

I agree with her and I think it is changing and will continue to change, but we have to help it change. It’s no good complaining that we don’t fit in and other people don’t understand us – we have to help them understand us because they have no frame of reference for what it’s like to be highly sensitive.

How do we do that? I think it begins with opening up the conversation. By making HSPness mainstream. It’s not about ‘us and them’ and it’s not about thinking we’re special or making ourselves stand out. It’s about learning how to integrate and just be ourselves.

Whether you are highly sensitive, intuitive, empathic – or none of those things the point is to know who you are and own it. If people don’t understand you, then help them understand you.

Since I am dedicated to opening up the conversation and helping everyone feel confident and embrace their uniqueness, I’d like to invite you to join the conversation. I’ve created 2 safe places where you can do just that. Where you can share your experiences, ask questions and receive any help you need, and be respected for who you are. I invite you to join me:

Facebook Live Broadcast: Success Strategies for Highly Sensitive People- every Friday at 9:30am Pacific join me and fellow HSP Lisa Powell for a discussion about what it means to be HSP. We share helpful tips, strategies and resources. Go to my Facebook Page to join and receive notifications of upcoming shows.

Private Facebook Group:  Highly Sensitive Professionals. Whether you have your own business or work for somebody else, connect with other HSP professionals to learn what works and be inspired.
Join Here

“I was once afraid of people saying ‘Who does she think she is?’ Now I have the courage to stand and say ‘This is who I am.’” – Oprah Winfrey

The Freedom of Forgiveness – even when you know that holding on to anger or pain from a person or situation is harmful to you and nobody else, it can still be difficult to let it go and truly forgive. People often have a hard time embracing forgiveness, even when they want to.

I came across this Prayer of Forgiveness on Instagram this week and liked it so much I wanted to share it with you.

I hope you enjoy it and find it useful.

A Prayer of Forgiveness:

“If I have harmed anyone in any way
Either knowingly or unknowingly
Through my own confusions
I ask their forgiveness.
If anyone has harmed me in any way
Either knowingly or unknowingly
Through their own confusions
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation or person
I am not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself,
Negate, doubt, belittle myself,
Judge or be unkind to myself
Through my own confusions
I forgive myself.”

Is it selfish? When I talk to people about the importance of putting themselves first, they often experience a lot of resistance because they think it’s a selfish thing to do.

As a ‘Helper’ type personality I understand this, and used to feel that way. After all, aren’t we always told that we should put others before ourselves?

But there’s a problem with that, particularly when you’re a natural born helper, like me. The problem is that when you put everyone else first, and yourself last, you can easily become depleted and even resentful. Then you feel bad for feeling resentful and probably to overcome it will do even more to help others. You may conclude that you must be a bad person because of the resentment you feel.

It’s great to help others. But if you do so at the expense of yourself, then it’s not so good. You cannot give what you do not have. So if you don’t’ take care of yourself and your energy becomes depleted, and you push yourself because you feel you have to do more for others, you will become even more depleted. That’s when resentment builds, and ultimately, you may become so depleted that you suffer physically, and are not able to help anyone.

Which is better – putting yourself last until you become depleted and no good to anyone, or putting yourself first, so you have more energy, you feel good, and can help more people?

If you want to give people the best of you, then you HAVE to put yourself first. You have to practice self-care. That way you can do more and help more people. You will be much more effective.

So really, putting yourself first is the opposite of selfish. It’s the only way to truly give from your heart.

“Self-care is not a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” – Parker Palmer

Self-care is not a luxury – it is a necessity. What can you do, starting today, to take better care of yourself?

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

P.S. Cheryl Richardson has written one of the best books on the art of self-care. Give this as a gift to yourself.

When you need to detox – When we think of detoxing, we usually think of a physical one, involving something like a diet or juicing. I’m in the middle of one right now, and I have to say, It’s not enjoyable – but I do know it is necessary.

Detoxing your body not only rids your body of toxins, it also releases stored toxic energy – it’s like hitting a reset button for your body.

But there are other parts of you and your life that would benefit from detoxing, such as your thoughts, beliefs and emotions, your home or office environment, your to-do list and perhaps even the people who are in your life.

Getting rid of the toxic energy in your life, whether internal or external, is vital. We tend to avoid it because it’s not comfortable – it’s work. But the results far outweigh the discomfort it takes to go through.

When you feel stuck with your health, it’s easy to consider a detox to re-boot your system. But if you’re feeling stuck in any other area of your life, it’s worth considering what other areas would benefit from a detox.

Try this affirmation to help you get started:
I am now willing to release all toxic energy, people and situations from my life.

The 30-Day Change Your Thoughts Challenge will help you detox mentally, emotionally, physically and energetically. It’s a great reboot for your system. There’s still time to enroll. Click on the button below for more information.

What’s the right way? Do you find that people like to tell you how you ‘should’ do certain things? Or how their way is the ‘right’ way. Or perhaps they question what you’re doing or how you’re doing it.
 
What is the right way anyway? Really, the right way is what feels right to you. Don’t let someone else tell you that you’re wrong. You can certainly ask for someone’s input – and then make an informed decision as to what feels right for you. But don’t put your trust in someone else more than in yourself. And if you haven’t asked for someone’s opinion, but they want to give it anyway, just thank them and move on.
 
I think this quote from Friedrich Nietzsche sums it up perfectly:
 
“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
 
If someone is causing you to doubt yourself or your abilities, use this affirmation to bring yourself back on track:
 
“I release the need to allow other people’s opinions to cause me to doubt myself. I trust myself to know what is best for me. ”

Changing your thoughts – I’m sure you’ve heard that your thoughts create your reality and if you’re feeling stuck or you want things to change, it’s a good idea to focus on changing your thoughts.

Sometimes it doesn’t seem easy though, because we often think thoughts that hold us back, even when we don’t want to be thinking them – they just seem to show up.

People often feel that changing your thoughts means you have to force yourself to think positive thoughts, but that doesn’t work and can actually be counter-productive.

You can’t deny that you’re thinking the thoughts you are thinking and forcing yourself not to think them doesn’t work. Instead, you can use them, and learn from them, which then allows you to change them.

So if you’re trying to force yourself to think positively, try paying attention to the thoughts and ask yourself what you can learn from them. This is the first step to being able to change them.

This affirmation can help you get started:
“I am willing to release unhelpful thoughts and replace them with those that support me and help me be the best I can be.”