The beliefs and conditioning that we have are what drive us. They determine how we think and feel, and what we say and do.

A limiting belief is a state of mind, or conviction, that you think is true that limits you in some way. It’s what keeps you inside your comfort zone and will keep you stuck.

When someone has the deep-seated belief that they are unlovable or they don’t deserve love, they will be extremely hard on themselves, and they will attract people who treat them badly.

Someone who has the core belief that they are not good enough is often a perfectionist, believing that the only way to be good enough is to do everything absolutely perfectly. Whenever they fail, to them it will simply be evidence that they really are not good enough. I am very familiar with this one as it used to be me!

We all have beliefs, of course, the important thing is to know when you have beliefs that limit you.

This Forbes article explains how limiting beliefs are “just stories we make up in our head by attaching made-up meanings to events. And they cost us dearly all our lives.”

Fortunately, any belief can be changed with a little inner work. Here are 10 strategies that will help you do that:

1. Increase self-awareness
   The Greek philosopher Aristotle said “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” In order to bring about any change you must first be willing to learn more about yourself – what you think, how you feel, what you say, and what drives the actions that you take.
   
   Self-awareness is key, because you can’t change something if you’re not aware of it, and that’s how limiting beliefs continue to affect us, because we’re not usually aware of them.
   
   
2. Become an observer
   Pay attention to what’s happening and try to observe it without judging. Simply notice what’s going on, as if you were observing it happening to somebody else. For example, you may notice that you seem to meet a lot of people who are angry, or who are untrustworthy. Be aware of the experiences you have - particularly the ones you don’t like. Every experience you have, and your response to it, will tell you something about yourself.
   
   
3. Notice your thoughts and feelings
   Your emotions and thoughts can be the keys to transformation. You may wonder why certain things keep happening or why you can’t accomplish certain things, and becoming aware of what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling can lead you to identify the deeply held and deeply hidden beliefs that are driving you. Once you become aware of them, then you can change them.
   
   
4. Look for patterns
   Patterns are wonderful clues to help you identify what your unconscious beliefs are. If you keep experiencing the same things over and over there’s a hidden belief at work. For example, if you keep attracting abusive relationship partners, it’s likely you have a belief that you’re not good enough, not lovable, and that’s what you deserve. If you continue to struggle financially, and just when you think you’re making progress, something happens to pull you back, you may have a belief that says you can’t be wealthy, or that people who have money are dishonest, or some other belief along those lines.
   
   
5. Translate what’s showing up
   If you want one thing, but the opposite is showing up, see if you can identify the reason. For example, if you are looking for a job but consistently get rejected, perhaps your beliefs are along the lines of “I’m not good enough,” “nobody will want to hire me,” or “life is difficult and I always struggle.” Or perhaps it’s time for you to re-think your career path and try something new. Or perhaps the type of job you’re pursuing is not what you really want to be doing at all. Ask yourself what you can learn from the situation.
   
   
6. See other people as mirrors
   The people in your life are reflecting back to you something you need to know about yourself and this can give you wonderful clues about yourself and your unconscious beliefs. For example, if you find that you constantly attract people who are selfish and self-absorbed, perhaps they are showing you that it’s time you focused on yourself a little bit more and put your needs first instead of everyone else’s.
   
   
7. Ask questions
   Instead of letting your thoughts go round and round about how terrible your situation is or how difficult things are, ask questions, such as: “What is this situation teaching me about myself?” “What do I need to know in order to move forward?” “How can I move past this and start going in the direction that I want?” This is a wonderful way to change your thoughts so that they are productive instead of destructive.
   
   
8. Be willing to learn and change
   The more you are willing to learn about yourself and change your thinking, the faster your progress will be. Whenever you find yourself in a situation you don’t like, be willing to look at yourself, rather than complaining about the situation. Learning about and changing yourself is the fastest way to make progress.
   
   
9. Develop the art of re-framing
   When your mind goes into a state of negative thinking based on what results are showing up for you, see if you can re-frame your thinking, along the lines of: “What if this turns out better than I thought?” “What if I didn’t get this job because there is something better waiting for me?” “What if I have everything I need to accomplish what I want and all I have to do is relax?”
   
   
10. Be willing to see yourself differently
    We can get very stuck in seeing ourselves and our lives in a certain way based on our beliefs about ourselves and what’s happening. Be willing to see things differently, try a different approach, and visualize yourself accomplishing what you want. Start seeing yourself differently and you’ll start to behave differently. Let go of the old story of how things have been or always are, and focus on creating a new one.

When you apply these strategies you’ll be empowered to know that there is nothing that can stop you or hold you back. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past or what you have believed about yourself and what you’re capable of. You can turn things around and use any negative or unhelpful experiences or beliefs to your advantage – so they work FOR you, rather than against you.

Just in case you think this might not be possible for you, that’s what most people think at first. I hope these comments from clients I’ve worked with will change your mind:

This is what happens when you begin to identify those limiting beliefs and turn them around.

Because it’s not always easy to do this by yourself I’ve created a membership program and community to help you. It’s called Know, Accept and BE Yourself. In this self-paced program I’ll walk you through everything you need to know to be the person you want to be so you can live the life you were meant to live.

Where and how are you giving your energy away? You may not realize that it’s happening, yet every time you let someone else make decisions for you, every time you don’t trust yourself, every time you allow yourself to be manipulated or treated badly, every time you hold yourself back and every time you don’t honor what you’re really feeling, you are giving your energy and therefore your power away.

When you stop and think about it, you may find that it happens more often than you realize. I think most of us do it – and some of us more than others.

When you make the effort to become more aware of when you might be giving your power away, then you can consciously start to reclaim it – by deciding to change your thoughts and actions. You will start trusting yourself more and in doing so, you will reclaim your energy and your power.

This article shares 10 tips  to help you stop giving your power away.

In what ways do you give your power away? You might think that you don’t, but there are many ways in which we do give our power away. For example:

• Every time you look for someone else’s approval
• Whenever you say no when you mean yes or yes when you mean no
• When someone else has the ability to upset you
• When you look for someone else to give you all the answers
• If you find yourself trying to prove yourself to others
• When you tolerate toxic relationships
• When you hold back for fear of upsetting someone
• When you don’t believe in or accept yourself

There are many more ways, but I’m sure you get the idea. Learn to recognize whenever you’re giving your power away and make the decision to reclaim it today. Here’s how:

Release the need for approval
When you constantly look for someone else’s approval the chances are you will spend a lot of time feeling disappointed. Take your power back by giving yourself the approval you’re looking for.

Needing someone else’s approval means you don’t really trust yourself. The only approval you really need is your own.

Say what you mean
Do you find yourself saying no when you mean yes or yes when you mean no because you don’t want to disappoint or upset somebody else? Become aware of when you do this and practice saying what you really want to say. You’ll find that people generally are not nearly as upset or disappointed as you think they will be.

It may be difficult at first to break the habit, but it does become easier the more you do it. You’ll be happier, and so will everyone around you because, believe it or not, people prefer it if you are honest about your wants and needs.

Don’t take on other people’s drama
Sometimes when other people feel frightened, overwhelmed or frustrated because things are not going well for them, rather than taking responsibility for their own situation they try to pass it on to someone else or pull someone else into their drama. Learn to recognize when this is happening and make the decision to not take it on.

This is not being cruel or heartless. You can offer help and advice if you’re asked for it, but you cannot fix someone else’s problems. You won’t help them if you do, and you will only experience pain and frustration.

For example, you may know someone who tends to share all their problems with you or complain a lot to you and after your interaction with them you’re left feeling upset or depleted. This means you’ve taken on their problems. They may even seek you out because they temporarily feel better after ‘dumping’ on you. This is not healthy for either of you.

Don’t rely on others to tell you what to do
When you look outside yourself for answers you are giving your power away. You can seek advice and learn as much as you can from others, but don’t rely on someone else to tell you what to do. Be informed and make your own decisions.

You must learn to feel when something is right for you. Then make sure you do what’s right for you. If you go along with what others tell you when it doesn’t feel right, then you’re giving your power and your energy away and it never feels good.

Nobody else can know what is right for you. So often other people want to tell you what to think, feel or do, or they will tell you that you shouldn’t think or feel the way you do, or that the way you’re doing something is wrong. Learn what works for you and don’t let others tell you what you should think or how you should feel.

Stop trying to prove or justify yourself
When you feel the need to prove your worth or ability to others you diminish yourself. You don’t need to prove anything to anybody. You also don’t need to justify why you want to do something.

When you feel the need to explain or justify why you are doing something or why you can’t do it you are giving your power away. You don’t need to try and make people feel better or understand your decisions.

I’ve noticed how people do this even with something as simple as receiving a compliment. You tell someone their hair looks nice and they tell you how it’s shorter than they really wanted, and it’s not quite the right style, and they went to a different hairdresser this time and it’s not really what they wanted, etc., etc., when all that’s needed is a simple “thank you.”

Let toxic people go
Nobody should have to put up with negativity or being treated badly. If you have toxic relationships in your life, you should let them go wherever you can. Toxic people usually want to have some control over you.

Some people are so unhappy in their own lives that they will try to project some of their unhappiness, anger, and any other toxic energy onto you. Don’t let them.

When someone does this and you (knowingly or unknowingly) allow it, you end up taking on that energy, which temporarily helps them feel better, but makes you feel terrible. It can last for hours, days, weeks or even months.

Your job is to recognize that whatever is going on for them is their issue and has nothing to do with you. Stay calm and centered in your own energy and you won’t be triggered by anything they say or do.

Even better, spend as little time around them as possible, or release them from your life. You want to surround yourself with supportive, and uplifting people, rather than those who will bring you down.

Don’t hold back
Do you hold yourself back for fear of upsetting or outshining someone? Whenever you hold back in this way you give that person control over you, whether they want you to or not. If someone in your life can’t handle the ‘real’ you, then that’s their issue, not yours.

By being yourself and working towards your full potential, you might actually inspire others to do the same. Don’t hold yourself back out of fear of what others think of you.

This happens with those who are closest to us. We are afraid that if we become too successful it may have a negative impact on our relationships.

What if the opposite is true? What if your relationships could actually improve? And if there’s someone who resents your success, consider that is someone you don’t need to have in your life.

Stop blaming
When something happens that you don’t like or want, it’s a natural reaction to want to blame someone. But when you place blame onto others or even yourself, you are giving your power away.

Blaming other people for your problems suggests that others have the power to make you feel or do something you don’t like. Really, nobody can make you feel or do anything unless you allow it.

Blaming and criticizing yourself weakens you and is counter-productive. You can take responsibility for your situation without blaming yourself or anyone else. You can acknowledge what is happening and be open to solutions – but only when you release the need to blame.

Take 100% responsibility for every aspect of your life and decide what actions you can take to change any situation you don’t like – there is no need for blame.

Stop making excuses
We all do it – finding reasons why we can’t do something we’d really like to do, or why something won’t work. If you really want to do something, find a way to do it, and don’t make excuses for why you can’t.

Making excuses makes you feel powerless. Just try something and see what works. Most of the time excuses are simply a way of avoiding the fear you have of doing something different, the fear of failure, or even of success.

If you really want to do something, you will always find a way.

Respond instead of React
Have you ever had a strong reaction to something and then later regretted how you reacted? You were being triggered by something outside yourself and you had a reaction.

Instead, when you respond, you acknowledge that you have the power to choose what you want to do. So when you find yourself reacting to someone or something, take a breath and a pause, and think about how you could respond instead.

We’re usually so busy that we don’t take a moment before we act. Imagine somebody says something that upsets you and you immediately react in anger. What was said may or may not have been intended to upset you, but your angry reaction will only make you feel worse, and may make the situation worse.

Imagine now if you were to pause for a moment before responding. You might calmly tell the person you don’t appreciate what they said or did, or your choice may be to not respond at all, but to walk away. You can make the decision whether you choose to be angry or not, whether or not you want to invest your energy that way.

That doesn’t mean you ignore your anger. Instead, you can take the time to think about what the person said or did that triggered the anger and what it really means. You’ll have the opportunity to learn something about yourself and let go of the anger that has been triggered.

Next time you find yourself about to react strongly to something, see if you can pause and take a deep breath or two before you do anything. Notice whether that allows you to feel more in control.

There are so many ways, both large and small, that you can be giving your power away. Each time you do this it’s a betrayal of yourself. All it takes is a little awareness and the decision that you want to reclaim your power.

Start today and you’ll begin to feel more energized and focused, and everyone will benefit.

Learn how to reconnect with yourself, gain clarity, develop self-awareness and feel happier with the Know, Accept and Be Yourself Program.

What happens when change comes into your life and it’s not what you want or were expecting? How do you handle change when you wish it wasn’t happening?

There are really two options, you can resist the change and fight against it, which creates stress, anxiety, frustration and a sense of powerlessness.

The second option is to embrace the change and move forward, even if it’s not what you want, to open yourself up to new possibilities.

How can you learn to effectively cope with and even embrace the unexpected changes that you’re faced with?

In this article I’ll share 10 of the strategies that I’ve found to be helpful when it comes to coping with and learning to embrace change.

I’m someone who used to be afraid of change. I resisted the unfamiliar and didn’t like being pulled in unplanned directions. That’s not who I am now. If I’m afraid of anything now it would be of standing still and staying stuck, rather than dealing with the changes that arise.

Coping with change isn’t always easy, but I’ve learned to embrace it because I know that change is the only way to learn, grow and become a better version of myself.

Life becomes better and more fulfilling when you do embrace change, and these strategies will help:

• Step 1: Accept the situation
  People often make the mistake of thinking that accepting something means giving in and doing nothing. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Accepting does not mean doing nothing. If you don’t accept what’s happening you’ll be in resistance. Resisting what’s happening is what causes the most pain, stress, and worry.
  
  You may be resisting the change because it’s not what you want and you think it shouldn’t be happening. But it is happening. Accept the situation, even if it doesn’t feel good. It is what it is.
  
  The situation cannot change until you do accept it. You can say “this is happening and I don’t like it,” that’s fine. You are still acknowledging that it is, in fact, happening.
  
  Perhaps you don’t like the word acceptance - in which case, choose another word that feels better. Perhaps ‘acknowledge the situation’ would work better for you.
  
  
• Step 2: Be aware of ‘the voice’
  How do you accept a situation when it’s not what you want? You can start by noticing the voice in your head when it complains and resists. It’s important to acknowledge it and recognize that you can choose to let the voice take over or you can choose to focus on what you can do and what can be positive about the situation, rather than on what you can’t do and what you don’t like about it.
  
  The voice will pop up from time to time. It’s always your choice whether to follow it or not and sometimes it’s easier than others.
  
  It’s not about ignoring it, or trying to force yourself to be positive. Rather, you acknowledge the thoughts, and acknowledge that you’re afraid, worried, sad, etc., and then choose to look for thoughts that are more constructive and supportive, instead of letting that voice take over.
  
  
• Step 3: Acknowledge how you feel
  Just as you must acknowledge your thoughts and ‘the voice’ in your head, it’s also important to acknowledge how you feel. It’s no good trying to put a positive spin on it and pretend that you feel great about it. Be honest about the fact that you’d rather this wasn’t happening at this particular time. Acknowledge that you don’t know what to do.
  
  All you can do is notice when any discomfort arises and recognize what it is that you’re feeling (stress, anxiety, worry, etc.) Notice where you feel it in your body and put your attention on it. When you recognize it and allow yourself to feel it, then eventually it passes. If you try to ignore what you’re feeling, you’ll feel a lot worse and it will affect your ability to find clarity and solutions.
  

• Step 4: Know what you want – intention
  Rather than focusing exclusively on what you don’t want (this situation/change), put more energy into what you do want.
  
  You get more of what you put your energy and thoughts towards. So if you only focus on the fact that ‘this shouldn’t be happening,’ or ‘this isn’t fair,’ you’ll stay stuck much longer and feel worse.
  
  Instead, think about what you DO want. What would be an acceptable or more positive outcome. How do you want to feel? What experience would you rather have? Put some energy into those thoughts and you’ll move yourself in a better direction.
  
  
• Step 5: Detach
  This is the step that is often the most difficult. Once you set your intention and, perhaps you have an idea of what you can do to get there, you have to detach from the outcome and from how it happens.
  
  Why? The more attached you are to the outcome, the more you can block yourself energetically from receiving it. If you’re too attached you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you don’t get exactly what you want in the way that you want it.
  
  Detaching from the outcome allows for the possibility that things can work out even better than you had imagined.
  

• Step 6: Take inspired action
  Most of us feel best when we’re doing something. If you’re not taking action of some kind then the voice in your head wants to tell you about all the things that you ‘could’ and ‘should’ be doing. However, running around just doing things for the sake of doing things is exhausting and doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s also more likely to block you from getting what you want, because you can be so busy doing that you miss an opportunity.
  
  When you are acknowledging your situation, and your mind is calm and focused on what you want, that’s when clarity can come to you about what steps you can take. It’s much better to take calm, focused, inspired action than to run around doing things just because you think you should.
  
  
• Step 7: Monitor your energy
  As you go through a process of change like this, particularly when it’s something you hadn’t planned, you’ll find that you have periods when you feel really positive and inspired and your energy feels great. There also may be times when you feel overwhelmed, when it all feels difficult and you can’t see how you can possibly have a positive outcome.
  
  The most important thing is to notice when your energy gets low, and when you feel worried, anxious or overwhelmed. Notice it, and see if you can discover what’s really behind it. Allow yourself to feel it and then when you’re ready you can let it go.
  
  
• Step 8: Stay away from negative people
  This can be hard because sometimes the negative people are those who are closest to us. They may not mean to be unhelpful or negative, but they want to tell you of their experience or the experience of someone they know, or they want to tell you what you ‘should’ be doing or how your way isn’t the right way, or how you should be feeling.
  
  You must trust yourself. You are the only one who knows what is right for you. Yes, you can ask for help and you can ask for input from others, but ultimately you are the only one who can decide what is right for you. Trust yourself.
  

• Step 9: Know that a breakthrough is near
  If you look back at your life, you’ll realize that your biggest breakthroughs came as a result of difficult change. The more uncomfortable you feel, and the more difficult the situation feels, the bigger the breakthrough will be.
  
  Remind yourself that what you are experiencing is temporary. This will not last forever. Tell yourself that you are willing to move on and work on staying as calm and focused as possible. The more you can do this, the sooner the breakthroughs will come.
  
  
• Step 10: Accept that change is inevitable
  If there’s one thing you can be certain of in life, it’s that things can and will change. Things never stay the same. Life is always moving and changing. You can either embrace change and actively seek it, or you can resist it and try to fight a losing battle. It’s your choice.
  

We all have to deal with change, and often that change is uncomfortable. If you can remind yourself that growth happens outside your comfort zone and remember that it is a natural part of life, you’ll have a much easier time.

Remember that resistance to change is what causes the most stress and anxiety. Resistance is what makes you feel that change is unbearable.

Don’t give your power away to situations or to other people. These strategies will empower you to take control of your own experience.

If you’re finding it difficult to cope with change and would like to gain inspiration and support to help you move forward, join me for one of my weekly online Value Me Round-table Discussions. It’s free to attend, but registration is required.

I was brought up to believe that I had to be helpful, nice and polite. There’s nothing wrong with this, except what I wasn’t taught is that some people will abuse that. I didn’t know then that you could be helpful and nice without allowing people to manipulate you or pull you into their dramas.

I have since learned that if you want someone to respect you and treat you well, you have to be able to set boundaries. Just because someone wants or expects you to do something or be a certain way, that doesn’t mean you have to do it - and you need to be able to make it clear to people that’s not okay, and you can do that in a positive way.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot about the need for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, and I’ve been able to help many clients benefit from the setting of boundaries. It’s healthy, a sign of respect for yourself, and it actually improves all relationships.

In this article I’ll share 10 of the strategies that I’ve found to be important, and helpful when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and being able to live a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill that can be learned, and needs to be learned. These strategies will help.

• Know what you want
  It’s impossible to set good boundaries if you don’t know what’s important to you. Knowing what you want and knowing your values are critical. A good place to start is by knowing what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Those feelings help you identify what your limits are.
  
  For instance, if being on time is particularly important to you and you notice that you feel resentful if someone is habitually late or wastes your time, then you’ll want to think of what boundaries you can set with those who tend to waste your time.
  
  As an example, this is something that’s important to me, so whenever I facilitate an event, I always let people know that I will start and end on time - out of respect for their time and mine. If someone arrives late, that’s not a problem, but I will not hold everything up to wait.
  
  
• Take responsibility for yourself
  So often we expect others, particularly those who are closest to us, to know what we need. You may be very intuitive and have a good sense of what others need, but don’t expect others to reciprocate and know what’s important to you and to know what you need.
  
  If you assume people know and it should be obvious to them, you will frequently be disappointed. They don’t know, so it’s up to you to tell them. I have found that people appreciate this because they don’t want to have to guess and feel your frustration or resentment if they get it wrong.
  
  
• Pay attention to how you feel
  Your feelings are messages and can tell you when something is happening that is not acceptable to you. When a boundary is crossed, you feel discomfort and resentment.
  
  Ask yourself what it is about what’s happening that’s bothering you. Resentment, for example, usually comes from feeling that you’re being taken advantage of or not appreciated. Or perhaps someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values onto you.
  
  Once you identify how you feel and what’s causing it, then you can ask yourself what you’d like to see happen instead. What would have to change in order for you to feel better?
  

• Respect yourself
  If you are feeling disrespected or unappreciated by others, you must look to see whether you are respecting and appreciating yourself.
  
  Other people will not respect you until you respect yourself. Setting boundaries is a sign that you do respect yourself and others will treat you more respectfully too.
  
  People tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves, and the way we teach them. If you habitually let someone take advantage of you or mistreat you, they will continue to do so - until you decide that you respect yourself enough to not allow it anymore.
  
  
• Be firm and direct
  Once you’ve decided what’s important to you and what boundary you want to set, you must let people know about it. You don’t have to be aggressive about it, you can state it simply in a clear and assertive way.
  
  People are often afraid of how people will react when they begin to set boundaries, and it is possible that some people will not be happy about it at first, particularly if they are used to you always doing whatever they want.
  
  You cannot control how someone will respond, just know that you are not responsible for how someone reacts, you just have to do what is right for you.
  

• Give yourself permission
  It’s okay for you to want what you want. It’s okay for you to ask for other people to respect that.
  
  You may find it difficult to set boundaries because you’re afraid of the other person’s response, you’re afraid of upsetting them or how they’ll react. All you can do is deliver your message in a positive way. You cannot control how someone else will respond.
  
  You can start with small things, and you’ll find that the more you do it, the easier it gets. Sometimes it’s all about giving yourself permission to start.
  
  
• Learn to say ‘no’
  If you are a people-pleaser,  you will often put yourself at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. You don't want to be selfish, so you put your personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to your well-being.
  
  Keep in mind that you are not helping anyone, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.
  
  I used to be afraid to say no to people, but when I started to do it, and realized that I could do it in a positive but firm way, such as by saying something like: “that doesn’t work for me,” or “I have other commitments right now,” I was surprised at how little reaction there was. People just say “ok,” and that is that.
  
  You don’t need to explain or justify why you’re saying no - you just have to learn how to say it (and mean it). I know that whenever I have said ‘no’ to someone and then I let them talk me into doing it anyway I have always ended up regretting it.
  
  
• Trust yourself
  You are the only authority on you. You know yourself best. Only you know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make those decisions for you.
  
  Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to trust and respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others.
  
  Often other people may want to tell you how you should feel, what you should think or do, and you have the opportunity to let them control you or not. When you defer to what others think you should do, rather than trusting yourself you lose yourself and give your power away.
  
  Pay attention to how you feel, and to what feels right for you and learn to trust that.
  
  
• Make self-care a priority
  Putting yourself first gives you more energy, peace of mind and a more positive outlook, so that you can be more present with others and be there for them. Self-care is something that not only benefits you, it benefits everybody around you and so it will improve your relationships.  
  
  When you make self-care a priority, setting boundaries becomes much easier. You’ll want to do it because it feels like the best and right thing to do.
  

• Get the support you need
  Setting boundaries takes courage, and practice and you will benefit from allowing yourself to receive support.
  
  When you’re having a difficult time, don’t be afraid to talk it through with somebody who will understand and offer support.  Somebody else may have been through a similar situation and may have some good advice.
  

Boundaries are natural and they are important. We all need to have them. They help you have healthier relationships, they help you take care of yourself and respect yourself, as well as others.

The steps outlined in this article will help you set boundaries so that you value yourself more and as a result you’ll have more positive experiences and relationships.

Make a commitment to take the steps you need to set and keep personal boundaries.

If you’d like to gain inspiration and support for setting healthy boundaries and learning to value yourself more, join me for one of my weekly online Value Me roundtable discussions. It’s free to attend, but registration is required.

Abraham Lincoln famously said “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be,” which is true, but also upsetting for many because they want to feel happier but they just don’t know how

It all sounds very simple when people say “just choose to be happy”, but what does that mean? And what does that look like?

There are people who outwardly appear to be very happy. They are the life and soul of the party, exude high energy, and they may seem to have it all - and yet inside they feel deeply unhappy.

Then there are people who are more quiet and thoughtful. You may not think they look particularly happy, but internally they are very peaceful and content.

I think happiness is deeply personal, and it fluctuates depending on what’s going on in your life.

So perhaps the most important things are to know what happiness means to you and feels like for you, and to know where you are now. Is there room for improvement anywhere or are you completely satisfied with everything as it is?

In this post I’ll share 10 strategies that will help anyone who wants to be able to increase their levels of happiness and well-being.

We all want to be happy. We want to feel good about ourselves, and our life choices. Although sometimes that doesn’t seem to be so easy.

There are many outside influences that affect us, and sometimes we don’t even believe we can be happy or deserve to be.

So instead of simply being able to choose happiness, it can become very complicated.

People often experience challenges like this:

• They have a lot of great things to appreciate in their lives and they want to be happy, but they just aren’t. There’s a feeling that something must be missing.
  

• They feel they can’t be happy when there is so much suffering going on in the world. “How can I be happy when ….. is happening?”
  

• If only … would happen then they would be happy (if only they made more money, lost weight, had the perfect job or the perfect relationship, etc.).
  

• They look to others for their happiness and when those people don’t behave as they expect, they are bitterly disappointed. This could be a partner or spouse, children, family members, etc.
  

• They don’t know how to be happy. Their life experiences have led them to believe that they are not meant to be happy.
  

• There’s a sense that every time things start going well and they start feeling good some kind of disaster will happen to change that.
  

• They are not happy with themselves, and/or are brought down by the criticism and judgment of others who don’t want them to be happy.
  

As you can see, it can be a complex subject and you may not simply be able to increase your feelings of happiness and levels of well-being overnight.

That’s why I want to share these strategies with you. These are all things that will create an immediate shift in your confidence, self-esteem, well-being - and ultimately your levels of happiness.

1. Say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
   
   Do you know people who are constantly negative, leaving you feeling depressed or stressed after every interaction? There are also people who seem to live in a state of constant chaos and want to pull you into their drama too. There are people who are bullies, who are angry, or who are manipulative.
   
   You can be feeling really content and happy one minute, and feeling terrible the next after being around someone like this.
   
   Sometimes it’s not possible to avoid them completely - you may have a co-worker or even a family member who is like this. If that’s the case, then what you can do is to change how you respond to them. I like to set an intention before interacting with someone like this along the lines of:
   
   “I will not allow this person to manipulate my energy in any way, or to pass their energy onto me.”
   
   Then, I remind myself that their behavior has nothing to do with me. It’s a reflection of what’s going on with them and I don’t need to react or take it on. This works really well.
   
   If at all possible, remove yourself from any toxic relationship. Remind yourself that you deserve better and that you don’t have to tolerate relationships like this.
   
   “If somebody is looking for a bin to throw all their trash into, make sure it’s not in your mind.” - Dalai Lama
   
   
2. Embrace Healthy and Positive Relationships
   
   Who are the positive and supportive people in your life? These are the people you want to spend more time with - people who support, encourage, motivate and uplift you.
   
   If you don’t know where to find these people, you’ll notice that once you take care of yourself by letting go of the toxic relationships you’ll begin to attract more healthy ones.
   
   Pay attention to those people who leave you feeling uplifted and motivated. Know who they are and spend more time with them. A positive attitude can be just as infectious as a negative one.
   
   “You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look around and make sure you’re in the right surroundings.”
   - David Burkus
   
   
3. Release Perfectionism
   
   It’s okay to have high standards and to believe in excellence, but if you try to be perfect all the time at everything, you can never be truly happy. You will put so much pressure on yourself that you will never be able to live up to it, which creates stress and limits your ability to really enjoy life.
   
   As a recovering perfectionist myself, I know this is true. I also discovered that as a perfectionist your intensity and incredibly high expectations (of yourself and others) often make it difficult for others to be around you. People can be intimidated because they feel they will never measure up, that nothing they do will ever be good enough.
   
   As a perfectionist, it’s not that you mean to be hard on everyone around you. You feel you just have very high standards and you can’t understand why everyone else doesn’t just get that. What you don’t realize (as I didn’t) is that your standards are impossibly high. So high that nobody (including you) can ever measure up.
   
   I know from experience that when you let go of the need to do everything perfectly you will feel happier, much more energized and much less stressed. You’ll also find that people will enjoy being around you so much more.
   
   “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” - Brene Brown
   
   
4. Let go of Expectations
   
   This goes with perfectionism -  when you have unreasonably high expectations for yourself, you’ll also have those same expectations for other people, which means you will spend a lot of time feeling disappointed.
   
   There’s nothing wrong with expecting the best of yourself – until those expectations become unreasonable. When your expectations are too high, you are putting too much pressure on yourself and setting yourself up for disappointment and failure.
   
   Your expectations are set by the beliefs that you have. I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” So it’s true that expectations can shape your reality.
   
   Just like most things, expectations can be helpful or not helpful. So it’s important to be aware of the expectations you have and how they are serving you. You may have some unhelpful expectations that you’re not aware of, and they can make life unnecessarily difficult.
   
   It’s particularly important for those of us who are empathic and/or highly sensitive to be aware of and pay attention to our expectations because we tend to have extremely (and often unrealistically) high expectations of ourselves, and therefore of others.
   
   Also, because we see and experience things in a different way, with a lot more sensory input, we may have a tendency to expect that others see and feel what we do, when they don’t (and can’t). This sets us up for massive disappointment.
   
   Other people are not like you, so don’t expect them to be. Releasing your expectations of others and unreasonably high expectations for yourself will allow you to relax and tap into happiness.
   
   As with everything, it comes down to awareness. The more aware you become of your expectations, the more you will be able to see whether they are supporting you or standing in your way.
   
   Where do you have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations for yourself and others and how are they affecting you? When you recognize them you can change them. This doesn’t mean you lower your standards, but it does mean that you stop punishing yourself, or setting yourself up for disappointment.
   
   “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” - Donald Miller
   
   
5. Stop Comparing Yourself
   
   Your job is to be the best you that you can be. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what other people have or what other people do, you are not them.
   
   You will never be truly happy if you are constantly comparing yourself to others because in many ways you’ll feel that you don’t measure up.
   
   Comparing yourself to others will always leave you feeling dissatisfied. It’s a waste of your energy because by comparing you are giving your power away.
   
   Focus on yourself, what you want, and what you need to do for you, rather than on what other people are or are not doing or do or do not have.
   
   If you’re highly sensitive and/or empathic you are one of just 20% of the population. This means that the majority of people are not like you and so comparing yourself to others is really counter-productive. Not many people will have the same sensory perceptions as you or the same levels of empathy, and will not be affected by the same things. If you expect them to, you will be very disappointed and frustrated indeed.
   
   Put your attention on yourself and don’t worry about what others are doing. Things are rarely what they appear to be, and there are always more sides to any story. Yes, things often seem to be unfair and others may seem to have things easier than you  - but instead of focusing on them, focus on you and what you can do to improve things for yourself. I promise you’ll be much happier.
   
   “The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” - Steven Furtick
   
   
6. Do More of What You Love
   
   What brings you joy? What do you love to do so much that time flies when you’re doing it? How can you bring more of this into your life?
   
   You might think that you don’t have time or that you have so many responsibilities that it would be irresponsible to spend time on yourself in this way.
   
   It’s important to find the time - not only for your own happiness, but you’ll find that it will benefit everyone around you as well.
   
   It doesn’t have to be difficult. All you have to do is make sure you schedule regular time to do something that you really enjoy.
   
   Let’s say you enjoy writing - you could set aside some time each day (15 or 30 minutes) or an hour or two each week and just allow yourself to sit and write.
   
   Whatever it is, put it on your calendar. Schedule time for yourself to do something you love. It can be that simple.
   
   Spend more time doing what you love and you’ll naturally feel happier and more energized.
   
   “Do what makes YOU happy. Focus on what brings YOU joy. Appreciate and do more things that make YOU smile. Live your life for yourself. You matter! You count! You’re deserving of true happiness! This is YOUR life. Live it to the fullest! Live life with no regrets.” - Stephanie Lahart
   
   
7. Put Yourself First
   
   Contrary to popular belief, putting yourself first is not selfish. It is if you do it at the expense of others, but making sure that your needs are met means that you will have more positive energy to share with others because you’ll feel good.
   
   If you’re used to putting others first all the time, you will ultimately find your energy becoming depleted. So often we want to help others when we are struggling ourselves and then frustration and resentment can build as we become more and more depleted.
   
   You might think it’s selfish to take care of yourself or put yourself first when others need help, but it’s exactly the opposite. When your needs are met and you feel good, you are able to help others from a place of strength, which means that you can help them even more.
   
   I think this quote sums it up quite nicely:
   
   "You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive nor sick enough to help sick people get well." – Abraham
   
   Stop putting yourself last on the list. Put yourself first and then you’ll have more to give others.
   
   “Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
   - Parker Palmer
   
   
8. Know Yourself
   
   The Greek philosopher, Aristotle, said “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” It’s true – the most successful people know themselves very well and use that knowledge to their advantage.
   
   How well do you really know yourself? For example:
   
   - What energizes you?
   - What drains you?
   - What makes you feel good?
   - What doesn’t?
   - What brings you joy?
   - What is most important to you?
   
   It’s so helpful to develop extreme self-awareness and to get to know yourself at the deepest levels.
   
   When you know what’s most important to you, have a clear sense of what energizes you and what drains you, and are familiar with your strengths and weaknesses you are less likely to be thrown off-track when difficulties arise.
   
   How do you develop this level of self-awareness? By paying attention to everything you think and everything you feel. When something bothers you, be willing to explore and use the situation to learn more about yourself.
   
   I think the more you know yourself energetically and emotionally, the stronger you become and the less threatened you feel by stressful situations or by other people’s behavior.
   
   The more you know yourself, the more confident, empowered and happier you become, and everyone benefits.
   
   “The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.” - Toni Collette
   
   
9. Learn to Embrace Change
   
   If there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that life is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same forever, no matter how much we might want it to.
   
   The challenges come when you resist change or are afraid of it, because then you will experience more stress and anxiety. When you learn to embrace change and go with the flow of life you open yourself up to more possibilities and more happiness.
   
   It’s the resistance to change that causes us to suffer. I used to be afraid of change, but now I truly embrace it. If things are going to change anyway, it’s much better to focus on what it is that you really want and allow things to change in that direction, rather than clinging to what you know.
   
   I know it can be difficult when change is forced upon you unexpectedly, but even then it’s very likely that, if you don’t resist it, and you look for what’s good about the change, then it will lead you to something better.
   
   Just like the saying “when one door closes, another opens.” How often has an unexpected change come about for you that felt really uncomfortable at the time, but now when you look back you can see it was probably the best thing that could have happened for you?
   
   When you learn to accept and even embrace change, rather than being afraid of it or resisting it, you’ll find there’s a lot less stress in your life, which will allow you to feel much happier.
   
   “Become a student of change. It is the only thing that will remain constant.” - Anthony D’Angelo
   
   
10. Allow Others to Help You
    
    How good are you at asking for and receiving help from others?
    
    So often we think we have to do everything ourselves and that it’s a sign of weakness to ask for help, or it means we don’t know what we’re doing.
    
    I used to be terrible at asking for help and I didn’t know how to receive it. Now I know that it’s not weakness to ask for help, it’s actually a sign of strength.
    
    Not only that, I found that people really like to be asked. People feel good when they have an opportunity to help.
    
    How often do you find yourself struggling with something because you don’t like to ask for help? How often are you disappointed when others don’t offer to help you or are not there when you need them?
    
    You must learn to ask for what you want. Don’t expect others to guess or to know what you need. If you learn to ask, you’ll be surprised how often you’ll receive exactly what you need – or perhaps even more.
    
    Sometimes you might not ask because you don’t want to bother anyone, or because you’re afraid they will say no. At least give people the opportunity to say yes. So often we deny people the opportunity to help us because we don’t like to ask for help.
    
    When you try to do everything by yourself and you shut others out you put too much pressure on yourself and you’ll never be able to relax. Other people want to help you, and they will feel good when they do. When you take the pressure off yourself by allowing others to help, you can relax and enjoy life so much more.
    
    “Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you."  - Jim Rohn
    
    
    

What would it be like if you made your happiness a priority? What would it be like if you started each day by setting an intention to do more of what brings you happiness?

Perhaps you already do make your happiness a priority. If you do, I applaud you because you are putting out more positive energy into the world - which is truly needed.

If not, I invite you to consider those questions and allow yourself to bring a little more happiness into your life. Implementing any one of these strategies will make a significant impact on your health, happiness and general well-being. Don’t wait - start today!

Sometimes you might feel you can’t be happier no matter what you do. You want to be happy, but every time things start to improve and you feel better, something happens to pull you back.

In this case, it’s likely that you have invisible emotional energy and emotional pain that’s holding you back. I’ve put together a free min-course sharing the Top 10 Reasons That Energy Holds You Back, which will help you see if this is what’s happening for you.

Have you ever felt that there must be something holding you back, but you just can’t get to the bottom of what it is?

Like the person who can’t seem to make the progress they want, no matter how hard they try. Or the person who is very knowledgeable, successful and accomplished, but continues to doubt themselves and their abilities.

Then there are people who are so deeply affected by other people’s energy, emotions and opinions, that it affects their confidence, self-esteem and happiness.

It can all be very confusing, as well as frustrating and overwhelming at times.

Even though people think they know themselves quite well, when they begin to go inward and look more closely, it soon becomes very clear that there are emotions and energies affecting them that they had absolutely no idea about.

It’s often a shock for them to discover just how much these emotions and energies have been controlling them.

In this blog post I’ll share examples of how this invisible emotional energy and pain can affect you and hold you back, and what you can do about it.

Everything is energy. Our thoughts are energy, our emotions are energy, and any painful or traumatic experience we have has energy.

When a particular emotion is triggered, you feel it in your body. When you have an unhappy thought, you feel it, and when you have a painful or traumatic experience you feel it energetically in your body, and that energy is stored inside you.

It is in our nature to move away from whatever doesn’t feel good. When it comes to uncomfortable emotions and painful experiences, this can mean that we ignore them, try to push them away or alternatively, we can allow them to overtake us, taking us into a downward spiral of pain and discomfort.

This energy and pain can build up inside you and, even when you think you’ve moved past the situation that created it, it can continue to affect you without you knowing it.

Emotional energy and pain is invisible, but it affects you on a daily basis. When it’s not acknowledged and released, it will create more painful situations and more discomfort.

When you have awareness and understanding of this energy, it enables you to see just how it impacts you and your ability to accomplish what you want.

Without this awareness, this energy controls you without your knowledge, and you never associate the experiences you’re having and the situations that arise with the emotional energy and pain that is stored within you.

Without this awareness, when things are not working out as you want them to, you’ll find yourself focusing on the wrong things. As you focus on the wrong things, you’ll experience more frustration and anxiety and add more of this energy to what is already there.

Without this understanding we become disconnected from our true selves, constantly looking outside ourselves for answers that we cannot find.

For example, think of the person who is unhappy with their job, so they leave and find a new job, only to discover they are just as unhappy in the new position. This may happen multiple times as they are constantly searching for that ideal position that will bring them happiness and fulfillment, which never comes.

It doesn’t happen because the problem is not the job. Nothing will change until they begin to look at the energy within themselves.

I once worked with someone who was having this exact experience. After a couple of calls he said “I’m just realizing that it’s not the job, it’s me.” He recognized that he would continue to have the same experiences until he looked at himself and how he was creating these situations.

Another client was struggling to grow her business and was frustrated with her husband whom, she felt, was being unsupportive. During one of our early conversations she said “It’s not him is it? It’s me.”

When I work with people it’s always exciting for me when they arrive at this understanding because it means they are ready to change their situation. As long as they continue to believe that the problem is outside of them, nothing can change.

The key lies in being aware of and being willing to acknowledge your emotions. Not only the emotions you are feeling at any given moment, but also the emotional energy and pain that is stored from your past.

Instead of avoiding ‘negative’ emotions, you can learn how to process them. When you do this, they cannot continue to affect you. This article in Psychology Today has some helpful information on the processing of emotions.

The thought of doing this type of inner work is terrifying for some people. They imagine they will have to revisit painful experiences from childhood, or that once they take the lid off these emotions and this pain it will be too much to bear.

But this does not have to be the case. It’s not about going back. I see it more as looking at what’s going on now and how it’s affecting you - then moving forward from there.

I’ll share some of my favorite ways of releasing emotional energy and pain, but before I do that, I want to show you the huge impact and benefit of identifying and releasing this energy by sharing comments from some of the people I’ve worked with, so you can see that it doesn’t have to be terrifying at all:

"Over the past weeks I have seen parts of myself I didn't realize existed and they shook me to my core. My focus has shifted away from trying to figure out my next career move to paying attention to myself. I am relaxing into whatever is to be and not trying to control it.”

"I had a wonderful moment of clarity about fear. I have allowed fear way too much power over me in my life.  It doesn't have to be that way. It's so obvious all of a sudden.  In trying to sort it out, I realized that there were 5 different things contributing to the fear of this moment.”

“I’m only two lessons in and have experienced the most profound shift. I used to be petrified to take my mind off of financial striving, for fear of not having enough. With your program, I’ve focused on creating ease and peace in my life, and at the same time created a better income than I’ve experienced in years.”

“When I look back on the past 5 weeks I can’t believe how much I have changed. I feel like I have more control, more peace in my life. I’m more accepting of others, I have a better relationship with my brother, not so jealous, more loving relationship. Same with my mom. I feel like I’m releasing a lot of things that I have had inside for a long time.”

“I've learned I am good enough and relearned to trust my judgement, walk away from things that don't feel right instead of doing them because I feel obligated.  I've learned to focus on what I need to focus on instead of obsessing over things I felt jealous about.  I've regained my self confidence and feel happier."

For these people, and many others, the insights they gained are invaluable and, as you can tell, immediately helped them to feel better and improve their situations.

I think the most important thing to remember is that, although there are people who can help you do this, nobody can do it for you.

There are many techniques and strategies that are helpful. I’ll share some of my favorites here:

Process the Emotion - this is my favorite. It has proven to be the most effective for me and I love to help my clients work through emotions by following these steps:

• Sit quietly, close your eyes and take a deep breath
• Identify what you’re feeling - name the emotion (angry, sad, etc.)
• Notice where you feel it the most in your body (chest, abdomen, etc.)
• Put your attention on this area and breathe into it
• Notice what you feel without judgment and keep breathing into it
• Imagine you are shining a spotlight onto this area, this emotion
• Keep breathing and notice if anything about it changes while you’re doing this
• Ask yourself: “what do I need to learn from what I’m feeling?” “What is this feeling telling me about myself?”
• Pay attention to what comes to you - if nothing comes, don’t worry, just continue to breathe into it and keep the spotlight on it. Acknowledge what you’re feeling
• Take as long as you need, and when you feel you’re ready, open your eyes and come back

Sometimes insights come right away, sometimes it may be a day or two later, be open to learning what this is about

The more you practice this the easier it will become. Eventually, you’ll be able to do it without needing to close your eyes, and you’ll be able to do it in any situation. It can take just a minute or two to do.


Journaling - this is another very effective way of discovering what energy you’re dealing with and then releasing it. You can write about the situation you’re experiencing, write about what you’re feeling and see if you can uncover any insights. Again, you can ask yourself what it is you need to learn from what’s going on - if you allow yourself to write without thinking too much you will often gain valuable insights.

You can then write something like “I am now willing to release this….” or ask how you can release it and again see what comes to you as you write.

You can also use specific journaling prompts to help you with whatever emotion you are feeling.

Meditation - a guided or focused meditation can help you release difficult emotions. You can meditate on the specific challenge. You can create an affirmation or mantra to focus on while you’re meditating. For example, if you are feeling angry about something, you could focus on an affirmation that says “I am willing to learn what my anger is telling me.”

Instead of trying to push the feeling away or replace it with a positive one, embrace it and see what you can learn from it. If you find it difficult to do by yourself, you can also use a guided meditation that walks you through the process.

Talk it through - sometimes there’s no substitute for talking through what you’re feeling. It’s best if you do this with someone who is trained and has the ability to help you - such as a coach, a therapist or healing practitioner. Although if you have a supportive and understanding friend or colleague who knows how to listen and ask the right questions and who won’t try to ‘fix’ the situation, that can also be helpful.

Sometimes just the act of talking about it brings clarity and helps to release what you’re feeling.

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) - If you’re not familiar with this technique, it involves tapping on certain acupressure points while saying certain statements related to the situation. There are many YouTube videos that show you how to do this - I think this one is effective, by Brad Yates

There are also many therapists who specialize in this technique.

When you feel unhappy with your life, when things aren’t working out, or when you continue to repeat the same patterns over and over, recognize that what you think is the problem (the job, the relationship, the situation) is probably not the real problem. You may have emotional energy and pain that is holding you back.

We can become very good at hiding or not dealing with our emotions, but this does not cause them to go away. The energy and pain from your beliefs and your experiences is stored within you and can affect everything you do.

When you properly acknowledge and process your emotions, you can effectively release them and use them to give you greater confidence and strength, so you know you have the ability to handle any situation.
 
If you’re still not sure whether emotional energy and pain might be holding you back, take this short quiz to bring some clarity.

You can also enroll in a free mini-course that will share with you the Top 10 Reasons Energy Holds You back.

In this short video we explore the invisible emotional energy and pain that holds us back.

It discusses:

• Where this emotional energy and pain can come from
• What happens when you continue to ignore it
• How you can begin to discover what this means for you.

This is such an important topic because it holds the key to many of the challenges that you have been facing.

It will help to make sense of some of the things you are experiencing that haven't made sense before.

Want to know if there is invisible emotional energy and pain holding you back? Take the quiz to find out.

Some people know from an early age exactly what they are passionate about and what they want to do with their life. They have a clear sense of purpose and develop a clear vision for who they want to be and what they want to accomplish.

There is often an assumption that this is how it should be for everyone. So if you are not clear on exactly who you are, what you’re passionate about, and what you want to do with your life, you can be left feeling as though there must be something wrong.

In fact, many people struggle with the whole concept of having passions, a purpose and vision, and it can even create anxiety. They say things like:

• What if I don’t know what my passion is?
  
• I am struggling with knowing exactly what my purpose is.
• I want to have passion and purpose but I can’t think of anything big enough.
• What comes first, passion or purpose?
  
• Is purpose the same as having a vision?
• Should I have a vision?
  
  

In this article I explore how to let go of any confusion or uncertainty, and connect with what’s important in a way that is meaningful for you.

Passion - something you enjoy doing so much that you lose track of time when you’re doing it. Perhaps you love reading about it, talking about it, and/or you want to do it any time you can. It can be something big and meaningful - like saving animals or the environment. But you might just as equally be passionate about baking, playing a sport, or doing a jigsaw puzzle.

Purpose - why you want to do something. Why do you enjoy it so much? Why is it so important to you? What is your purpose in doing it. Again, it could be something big - like you want to save the planet, or put an end to the suffering of animals, or it could be that completing a jigsaw gives you a feeling of accomplishment, or baking for your family is a way of showing your love for them.

Vision - your vision for yourself, your life and what you want to accomplish comes from knowing your passions and purpose, and is something that inspires you. Your vision can adapt and change as you grow and change. Again, you may have a big, bold vision that inspires you and is your motivation to get out of bed each morning. Or, your vision could simply be to be the best you can be at what you do, or to live the happiest life you can. When you have a vision you then start to think about HOW to make that vision happen.

If you don’t already have a clear idea of your passion, purpose and vision, here are some suggestions to help you connect with them in the way that’s right for you.

1. Let go of ‘shoulds’
   I think the first step is to let go of any thoughts about what they ‘should’ be, or what this is supposed to look like. For example, you may have read books about turning your passion into profit, and if that’s what you want to do, that’s great. But just because you have a passion for baking, that may not mean that you want to open a bakery. In fact, sometimes, when you turn a passion into something that you do for a living, it can actually take all the joy out of it.
   
   
2. Know what you want
   Of course, it is possible to turn something you are passionate about into a career or business and if that’s what you’d like to do, it’s important to pursue that. The question to ask yourself is whether this is something you’d like to be doing all the time. If you enjoy something so much that you love talking about it and being around people who do it and talk about it as much as you can, then you can explore what’s possible.
   
   
3. Brainstorm possibilities
   So often we dismiss things because we think it’s impossible to make a living doing it. For example, you may absolutely love everything about playing piano, but you’re not at the standard of a concert pianist. That doesn’t mean to say you couldn’t make a living with it. For example, perhaps you could work in a store that sold pianos, or perhaps you could teach people how to play, or create an online course that shows people how to play. Or perhaps you could host piano retreats (online at the moment of course) or something like that. There are many possibilities you may not have thought of. This would give you the opportunity to pursue what you are passionate about and make a living doing it - if that feels good to you.
   
   
4. Stop comparing
   I think one of the things that holds people back the most is when they compare themselves to others. You may look at someone else who has a very clear purpose and vision and knows what they are passionate about and think you want to be like them. This will lead to disappointment and frustration. It doesn’t matter what others are doing or not doing. The most important thing is to connect with yourself, to discover what’s important to you, what you enjoy and what feels right for you.
   
   
5. Allow for change
   You may be really passionate about something and driven to do it right now, but in a couple of years time that might change. You might be drawn to something else that becomes your new passion. I think we often feel held back because we think that once we choose something it’s then set in stone and we have to do it for the rest of our lives. Some people have more than one passion, and that’s okay. I love this TED talk by Emilie Wapnic, where she talks about why some of us don’t have one true calling.
   
   
6. Know who you are
   It’s important to learn how to connect with yourself at the deepest levels, with the core of who you are. Even if you love to do different things, and you seem to move from one thing to another, then what that means is that at your core, you are passionate about learning. Maybe you’re great at starting things and once they are started you love to hand them over to someone else so you can learn something new. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s who you are.
   
   
7. Know what you (really) want
   I always say that the biggest secret to getting what you want is to know what you (really) want. This may sound obvious, but when I work with clients this is the thing they often have the hardest time with. Often they think they know what they want, but when we really start digging a little deeper they find that what they thought they wanted is what they thought they ‘should’ want. It’s what they’ve been programmed to believe they wanted. That’s why I say you need to get to know what you (really) want. What feeds your soul? What lights you up? That’s what you want to connect with.

Passions:

There’s no doubt that being passionate about something energizes you. When something is very important to you, and you really enjoy it, you feel energized when you think about it, talk about it, or do it.

If you’re still finding it difficult to identify what your passions are, here are some things to think about:

• When you think about someone who is passionate about something, you probably think of someone who is on fire with ideas and motivation – who has really high energy. But not everyone feels passion that intently. Perhaps you really enjoy doing something, but it’s a quieter enjoyment. It brings you peace, it makes you feel good. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to spend every waking moment talking about it or being involved in it.
  
  
• Perhaps passion doesn’t have to be some big, bold thing that you do all the time. It can be other, smaller things. You might have a passion for music – but it’s not something you want to try making a living doing. You might have a passion for cooking – but you have no desire to open a restaurant. I have a passion for playing tennis, and I’ll play as much as I possibly can, but I have no vision of being able to do any more than that.
  
  
• You might have a passion for jigsaws, knitting, reading, writing or being outdoors – it could be any number of things. But you can simply enjoy doing them as much as you want, without needing to turn it into something big or bold or that you do all the time – unless you want to.
  

• What you’re passionate about doesn’t have to be something that you impress others with. And passions can change – you might find a time when you’re tired of doing jigsaws, but you find a love for crosswords or Sudoku.
  

• You don’t have to dismiss something you enjoy doing as not being a passion just because it doesn’t fit in with the stereotypical view of what a passion should or shouldn’t be.
  

Purpose

Feeling that you have a purpose and you are living that purpose is also energizing, rather than feeling that you’re just moving through each day with no sense of purpose.

When it comes to purpose, many people struggle to know what this is for them. When you do something with purpose, you do it with determination. When your activities have a purpose, you have an aim or intention in mind. I’m doing this because….

So really, everything you do has a purpose – you have a reason why you’re doing it. The important thing is to know what that ‘why’ is, and to make sure it’s a good fit for you.

For example, I mentioned that I’m passionate about tennis and will play as much as I possibly can. Why do I do it? For me, it’s about so much more than running around and hitting a ball, and getting exercise.

Getting exercise is helpful and important, I also enjoy the social aspect – being on a team and creating friendships with my teammates. But the biggest thing I get out of it, is that it’s a tremendous source of personal growth and improvement for me.

I’m always striving to improve – not just my tennis game, but my physical fitness, and my emotional and mental fitness as well. I have learned so much about myself, and other people, and handling conflict and difficult situations by playing tennis than anything else. How I feel and how I handle things when I’m playing tennis also helps me to make sense of many other things in my life.

So my purpose is much bigger than just the game of tennis.

If you’re thinking – well I have my job, but I’m not passionate about it and my purpose in doing it is so that I can pay my bills, well that’s still a purpose isn’t it? Maybe that’s not the purpose you want and perhaps you would ideally like to find a job that gives you more meaning and fulfillment. Then your job search would have purpose – it wouldn’t be just to find another job, it would be to find a job that is the best fit for you that gives you meaning and fulfillment.

Again, I think we often get stuck thinking that we have to have a big purpose in life – and that’s fine if that’s what you want. But everything you do has a reason behind it – I like to say it’s the energy behind what you’re doing. So if your purpose or the energy behind what you’re doing feels good, then you’ll get much more out of it – and so will everyone else around you.

Vision

Having a clear vision of who you are, what you want and where you want to go can give you the energy and motivation you need to get out of bed in the morning.

Many people are so used to simply getting up and getting through each busy day – and focusing on what they have to do and on the needs of the other people in their life, that they’ve completely lost touch with anything that might really fire them up and get them excited. They just don’t know what that is.

Were you ever asked – what is your vision for your life? Or where do you see yourself in the next 5 years – what’s your vision of where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing?

I always hated those questions because I just didn’t know. Having to come up with an answer to that always felt a bit fake to me – and I thought that was just me. But I now know that many people feel the same way.

My experience has been that when you let go of feeling that you need to have a vision, or that your vision for yourself or your life should be a certain way or isn’t big enough, then you open yourself up to more possibilities.

You can’t have a clear vision of anything unless you really know who you are at the deepest levels. The more you commit to self-awareness, the clearer you become on what you want for yourself and your life. But if you try to figure that out before you really know yourself, I think you may struggle.

And I think that’s where people do often struggle and feel stuck, and stay stuck. Because they’re trying to figure out their purpose and vision without really knowing themselves properly.

I think that when it comes to passion, purpose and vision it’s helpful to:

• Release expectations of what those should and shouldn’t be
  
• Stop comparing yourself to others
• Commit to learning more about yourself
• Allow for the fact that your passions, purpose and vision can change. As you change and grow so will they.
• Don’t let anyone else tell you what your passions, purpose or vision should be.
• Trust yourself to know what’s best for you

Most of all, take the pressure off, because what if, as the Dalai Lama says: The purpose of our lives is to be happy. Then all you need is know what makes you happy and do that.

What I’ve learned is that when you let go of trying to figure it all out, and instead make a commitment to getting to know and accept who you really are, then your passions, purpose and vision naturally emerge.

If you’re having difficulty knowing what it is that you really want for yourself and your life, a great place to start is to identify what you know you don’t want, and then go from there. It’s a great starting point to help you identify what you do really want.

Most importantly, make the decision to learn as much about yourself as you can. Every person and every situation has something to teach you about yourself. If you’d like to connect with a community of like-minded people who are on the same path, check out my exclusive membership membership program, where you will learn how to Know, Accept and BE Who You Are.

Not everyone feels comfortable when asked about their passion, purpose or vision. For many people it is a cause for confusion, they say things like:

• There are lots of things I enjoy, but I don't feel really passionate about anything
• I have no idea what my purpose is
• I feel as though I should know what I'm passionate about and have a purpose but the idea seems overwhelming to me
• Does it mean there's something wrong with me if I don't know what my purpose is?

These thoughts are more common than you might think, and I address them in this short video.

If you've ever felt this way, I hope this video will help you feel better and perhaps gain some clarity when it comes to passion, purpose and/or vision.

Confidence and self-esteem are terms that are often talked about together, but there are differences, and I think it’s helpful to understand the difference.

I think most of us experience low levels of both from time to time - some people more than others.

As someone who grew up with extremely low confidence and self-esteem, I know how painful that can be. I also know that you can transform, increasing your confidence and developing healthy self-esteem.

I didn’t used to think it was possible, but, having done it, I now know that it is and it’s something that anyone can accomplish - if they want to! That’s the key - you have to want to.

In this article I’ll share what I have found to be most helpful, what has worked for me and what improves in your life when you are able to change in this way.

Confidence is really about how you feel about your abilities, and self-esteem has more to do with how you feel about yourself - it relates to how you see yourself and relates to your sense of self-value and self worth.

Having low self-esteem can definitely have an effect on how confident you feel about something.

Even when you know you can do something, low self-esteem can mean that you don’t feel confident in your ability to carry it out, or that you worry about what people will think when you do.

For example, you can have low self-esteem, but be confident in certain areas of your life. Just like one client I worked with years ago who is a CPA. She is extremely confident in her work, but her low self-esteem allows her family to take advantage of her, causing her to feel extreme anxiety and stress.

Or you can have healthy self-esteem, but not feel confident about your abilities when it comes to certain things. This is often known as imposter syndrome - a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".

There are many well-known people and celebrities whom we know to be very successful, who have also admitted to having the experience of imposter syndrome.

Many people also become very good at hiding low self-esteem, and can appear to be very confident.

When I was younger this is exactly what I did. I remember receiving a promotion to work as personal assistant to the assistant director of a company. I was constantly terrified that I was going to mess up and they would find out I didn’t really know what I was doing.

Over time I became friendly with the Director’s personal assistant and one day, several months after I’d been in the job, she shared with me that when I first started she felt intimidated by me because I was so efficient!

I couldn’t believe it. I felt anything but efficient. My low self-esteem caused me to lack confidence in my abilities - but I obviously hid it very well!

Obviously, if you have low confidence and self-esteem, it’s not something that’s going to change overnight.

It’s a gradual process, and it’s something you work on every single day. It takes self-awareness, and a desire to improve. These are the steps that I’ve found to be helpful for me:
 



Notice - you have to become really good at noticing things like:

• When you’re holding yourself back
  
• When you doubt yourself
• When you lack confidence
• When you feel you’re not good enough
• When you have trouble saying no
• When people disrespect you and your boundaries
• When you need to set boundaries but you don’t
• When your inner critic is active
  

Becoming aware of a problem is always the first step to being able to change it.

Part of the problem is that we can become really good at hiding these things or denying them. When you make the decision that you want to change, then you will start to notice more.

Sometimes you won’t become aware of something until after it’s happened. It’s important not to be frustrated with that, because if this is new for you, it will take time for you to become really good at noticing.

Each time you do it, it will become easier and you’ll start to notice more.

Be honest - You must be really honest with yourself, and sometimes that’s uncomfortable.

For example, it took me quite a while to understand and admit to myself that my tendency towards perfectionism and unrealistic expectations was contributing to my feelings of not being good enough.

If I tried something new and it didn’t work right away, then I would feel like a failure. I would feel like there was something wrong with me, and would move on to look for answers elsewhere, instead of giving myself a chance to really learn from what I’d done and tweak it until I saw results. I would just dismiss it as a failure.

Acknowledging this was not comfortable for me at first. But doing so has enabled me to learn and move on. I now recognize whenever this is happening and can stop myself repeating the same unhealthy patterns.

Question everything - I have really learned to use the power of questions to turn things around. Whenever you find that you’re being critical of yourself or doubting yourself, asking questions like these can be transformative:

• What’s really true?
• What am I really afraid of?
• What would be the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?
• How can I best support myself through this?
• If I really believed in myself, what would I do differently?
• What do I need to learn from this situation so that I can move on?
• What do I really want?
  

It doesn’t matter if you don’t have answers to the questions right away. Simply asking them is empowering. Turn a question over in your mind. Write about it. The answers you need will come, as long as you ask the questions.

Talk things through - I think it’s important to have someone on your side who is trustworthy and supportive that you can talk to. You don’t need them to tell you what to do - in fact it’s better if they don’t. Just ask them to listen and let you talk.

Often, just the simple act of reaching out to someone in this way can bring clarity and answers.

This happened for me recently. I was feeling particularly overwhelmed with some things that were going on for me, and could not see a way forward. At first, I tried to sort through it all by myself, but ultimately had to admit that I needed help.

I reached out to a trusted friend and talked things through with her. She asked me a few helpful questions and at the end of the call I had a new sense of clarity that I hadn’t been able to find by myself.

Before, I had no idea how to move forward. After the call, I knew exactly what to do - not because she told me what to do, but because the act of talking it through with someone brought me to the clarity I needed.

It’s important to recognize that not everybody is capable of fulfilling this role for you. So, if you talk to your partner, or friend, or family member, and don’t receive the kind of help and support you need, don’t be upset with them. Perhaps they are not able to give you what you need.

You’re not looking for someone to ‘fix’ things for you (tempting as that might be). You’re simply looking for someone who can listen, perhaps ask questions, and simply be there to support and encourage you. That may be a friend, or a colleague, or a coach or mentor. Know who that person is for you and don’t be afraid to ask them whenever you need help.

The more you do this, the more your confidence will grow, as you see that you do have what it takes to move through any challenge. Each time you will feel better about yourself as you gain the clarity you need.

Monitor your thoughts - Often people think this means that you should always think positive thoughts and never think negative ones. That’s not helpful at all.

• Your thoughts can be very helpful when you notice and acknowledge them. For example, if your thoughts are along the lines of:
  
• 
  
• Why is this always happening to me?
• What’s wrong with me?
• What will people think of me?
• What if I don’t really know what I’m doing?
• What if I get it wrong?

These are important clues that tell you the belief of “I’m not good enough” is active.

Instead of trying to force yourself to change these thoughts into positive ones, instead, try asking yourself some of the questions mentioned above.

Another approach I’ve used with great success is to use “what if” questions to help you, like this:

• What if this is happening for me, not to me?
• What if there’s something important I can learn from this?
• What if there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m good enough as I am?
• What if people really like what I’m doing?
• What if I really do know what I’m doing?
• What if I can’t get it wrong?

I have found that using ‘what if’ in this way can help to calm the mind down and focus it on more helpful thoughts. It’s not about denying any negative or unhelpful thoughts - it’s about using them as stepping stones to your success, which will help you increase your sense of worth and confidence.

Celebrate your progress - Sometimes it’s difficult to see progress, because it can be subtle. So there’s a tendency to think you’re not making any.

This often happens with clients and it’s not until we take a look back to see where they were, how they felt, and what was going on when we first started working together that they realize they’ve made significant progress.

You can support yourself through this process by celebrating every single win. For example, you can give yourself a pat on the back:

• Every time you’re able to turn an unhelpful thought around.
• Every time you reach out to talk things through with someone.
• Whenever you notice that the belief of not being good enough is showing up.
• Each time you notice that you’re experiencing imposter syndrome.
• Whenever you say ‘no’ to something and feel good about it.
• Whenever someone says something negative or hurtful and you don’t let it bother you.

These are all causes for celebration and will help you feel better about yourself.

Accept your uniqueness - Any time you compare yourself to other people you are setting yourself up for the experience of not feeling good enough.

We often put pressure on ourselves because we see what other people are doing and wonder why things don’t happen in the same way for us. Or we think we want to be like someone else, or we’re told we should be more like someone else or do things in the same way.

The truth is that you are unique. So am I. Instead of trying to be like someone else, or do things in the same way - find YOUR way. Be the best YOU that you can be.

When you can fully, completely and unapologetically be yourself, this is where you can experience true happiness, success and fulfillment by increasing confidence and self-esteem.

Trust yourself - If there’s one piece of advice I wish I could have given to my younger self it’s this.

My low levels of confidence and self-esteem caused me to put my trust in others, instead of trusting myself.

Have you ever done something that someone else wanted you to do, even though it didn’t feel right to you at all? But you did it because you thought they must be right?

Has this ever worked out for you?

I’ve done this many times in the past, and each time I paid a high price for it. I remember clearly the last time I did this. I had been working with a group of people on a particular project with the understanding that I was only helping to get things started. Once it was ready, I would leave, because I had other things I wanted to do.

However, when the time came, even though I knew it was not right for me, I let the others persuade me to stay. I told myself it wouldn’t be for long - but it ended up being about 4 years, and I was miserable.

I finally learned my lesson from that experience. I trust myself and if something doesn’t feel right for me, then I don’t do it. I don’t ever want to put myself in that position again. It was soul destroying.

Learn to trust yourself - talk things through with others, listen to advice from others, but ultimately, check in with yourself to see what feels right to you and trust it.

Your inner guidance is priceless, and it can take time to learn to trust it, but you can start right now.

1. Be gentle with yourself - major transformation like this takes time. The best way is to love yourself through it. Practice self-care and be kind to yourself, always.
   
   
2. Allow others to support you - increasing self-esteem requires that you surround yourself with positive, supportive and encouraging people. The more you take care of yourself, the more of these people you will attract. Don’t be afraid to allow them to help you.
   
   
3. Find other ways to increase confidence and self-esteem - every little thing you do will help. Consistency is important. This article in Psychology Today shares some tools and activities that will help you increase self-esteem.
   
   

According to the Mayo Clinic, “When you have healthy self-esteem, you feel good about yourself and see yourself as deserving the respect of others. When you have low self-esteem, you put little value on your opinions and ideas.”

I think that’s a really good description. It stands to reason also that when you have healthy self-esteem, your confidence increases too.

If your self-esteem is low right now, it may seem like an overwhelming task to change that. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming. All you have to do is make a start and each little thing you do will bring added momentum.

There are many reasons why you’ll want to - here are just a few:

• You’ll feel better, have more clarity and feel more at peace
  
• You’ll let go of feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and struggle
• You’ll feel happier and enjoy life more
• You’ll attract more enjoyable people and situations into your life
• You’ll never want to go back to the way you were before
• Everyone around you will get to experience the best of you
• Your transformation will help and inspire others
  

There’s no time like the present to get started!

For more information on how to be who you really are, request a free guide: 10 Steps to Be Who YOU Are.