Abraham Lincoln famously said “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be,” which is true, but also upsetting for many because they want to feel happier but they just don’t know how

It all sounds very simple when people say “just choose to be happy”, but what does that mean? And what does that look like?

There are people who outwardly appear to be very happy. They are the life and soul of the party, exude high energy, and they may seem to have it all - and yet inside they feel deeply unhappy.

Then there are people who are more quiet and thoughtful. You may not think they look particularly happy, but internally they are very peaceful and content.

I think happiness is deeply personal, and it fluctuates depending on what’s going on in your life.

So perhaps the most important things are to know what happiness means to you and feels like for you, and to know where you are now. Is there room for improvement anywhere or are you completely satisfied with everything as it is?

In this post I’ll share 10 strategies that will help anyone who wants to be able to increase their levels of happiness and well-being.

We all want to be happy. We want to feel good about ourselves, and our life choices. Although sometimes that doesn’t seem to be so easy.

There are many outside influences that affect us, and sometimes we don’t even believe we can be happy or deserve to be.

So instead of simply being able to choose happiness, it can become very complicated.

People often experience challenges like this:

• They have a lot of great things to appreciate in their lives and they want to be happy, but they just aren’t. There’s a feeling that something must be missing.
  

• They feel they can’t be happy when there is so much suffering going on in the world. “How can I be happy when ….. is happening?”
  

• If only … would happen then they would be happy (if only they made more money, lost weight, had the perfect job or the perfect relationship, etc.).
  

• They look to others for their happiness and when those people don’t behave as they expect, they are bitterly disappointed. This could be a partner or spouse, children, family members, etc.
  

• They don’t know how to be happy. Their life experiences have led them to believe that they are not meant to be happy.
  

• There’s a sense that every time things start going well and they start feeling good some kind of disaster will happen to change that.
  

• They are not happy with themselves, and/or are brought down by the criticism and judgment of others who don’t want them to be happy.
  

As you can see, it can be a complex subject and you may not simply be able to increase your feelings of happiness and levels of well-being overnight.

That’s why I want to share these strategies with you. These are all things that will create an immediate shift in your confidence, self-esteem, well-being - and ultimately your levels of happiness.

1. Say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
   
   Do you know people who are constantly negative, leaving you feeling depressed or stressed after every interaction? There are also people who seem to live in a state of constant chaos and want to pull you into their drama too. There are people who are bullies, who are angry, or who are manipulative.
   
   You can be feeling really content and happy one minute, and feeling terrible the next after being around someone like this.
   
   Sometimes it’s not possible to avoid them completely - you may have a co-worker or even a family member who is like this. If that’s the case, then what you can do is to change how you respond to them. I like to set an intention before interacting with someone like this along the lines of:
   
   “I will not allow this person to manipulate my energy in any way, or to pass their energy onto me.”
   
   Then, I remind myself that their behavior has nothing to do with me. It’s a reflection of what’s going on with them and I don’t need to react or take it on. This works really well.
   
   If at all possible, remove yourself from any toxic relationship. Remind yourself that you deserve better and that you don’t have to tolerate relationships like this.
   
   “If somebody is looking for a bin to throw all their trash into, make sure it’s not in your mind.” - Dalai Lama
   
   
2. Embrace Healthy and Positive Relationships
   
   Who are the positive and supportive people in your life? These are the people you want to spend more time with - people who support, encourage, motivate and uplift you.
   
   If you don’t know where to find these people, you’ll notice that once you take care of yourself by letting go of the toxic relationships you’ll begin to attract more healthy ones.
   
   Pay attention to those people who leave you feeling uplifted and motivated. Know who they are and spend more time with them. A positive attitude can be just as infectious as a negative one.
   
   “You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look around and make sure you’re in the right surroundings.”
   - David Burkus
   
   
3. Release Perfectionism
   
   It’s okay to have high standards and to believe in excellence, but if you try to be perfect all the time at everything, you can never be truly happy. You will put so much pressure on yourself that you will never be able to live up to it, which creates stress and limits your ability to really enjoy life.
   
   As a recovering perfectionist myself, I know this is true. I also discovered that as a perfectionist your intensity and incredibly high expectations (of yourself and others) often make it difficult for others to be around you. People can be intimidated because they feel they will never measure up, that nothing they do will ever be good enough.
   
   As a perfectionist, it’s not that you mean to be hard on everyone around you. You feel you just have very high standards and you can’t understand why everyone else doesn’t just get that. What you don’t realize (as I didn’t) is that your standards are impossibly high. So high that nobody (including you) can ever measure up.
   
   I know from experience that when you let go of the need to do everything perfectly you will feel happier, much more energized and much less stressed. You’ll also find that people will enjoy being around you so much more.
   
   “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” - Brene Brown
   
   
4. Let go of Expectations
   
   This goes with perfectionism -  when you have unreasonably high expectations for yourself, you’ll also have those same expectations for other people, which means you will spend a lot of time feeling disappointed.
   
   There’s nothing wrong with expecting the best of yourself – until those expectations become unreasonable. When your expectations are too high, you are putting too much pressure on yourself and setting yourself up for disappointment and failure.
   
   Your expectations are set by the beliefs that you have. I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” So it’s true that expectations can shape your reality.
   
   Just like most things, expectations can be helpful or not helpful. So it’s important to be aware of the expectations you have and how they are serving you. You may have some unhelpful expectations that you’re not aware of, and they can make life unnecessarily difficult.
   
   It’s particularly important for those of us who are empathic and/or highly sensitive to be aware of and pay attention to our expectations because we tend to have extremely (and often unrealistically) high expectations of ourselves, and therefore of others.
   
   Also, because we see and experience things in a different way, with a lot more sensory input, we may have a tendency to expect that others see and feel what we do, when they don’t (and can’t). This sets us up for massive disappointment.
   
   Other people are not like you, so don’t expect them to be. Releasing your expectations of others and unreasonably high expectations for yourself will allow you to relax and tap into happiness.
   
   As with everything, it comes down to awareness. The more aware you become of your expectations, the more you will be able to see whether they are supporting you or standing in your way.
   
   Where do you have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations for yourself and others and how are they affecting you? When you recognize them you can change them. This doesn’t mean you lower your standards, but it does mean that you stop punishing yourself, or setting yourself up for disappointment.
   
   “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” - Donald Miller
   
   
5. Stop Comparing Yourself
   
   Your job is to be the best you that you can be. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what other people have or what other people do, you are not them.
   
   You will never be truly happy if you are constantly comparing yourself to others because in many ways you’ll feel that you don’t measure up.
   
   Comparing yourself to others will always leave you feeling dissatisfied. It’s a waste of your energy because by comparing you are giving your power away.
   
   Focus on yourself, what you want, and what you need to do for you, rather than on what other people are or are not doing or do or do not have.
   
   If you’re highly sensitive and/or empathic you are one of just 20% of the population. This means that the majority of people are not like you and so comparing yourself to others is really counter-productive. Not many people will have the same sensory perceptions as you or the same levels of empathy, and will not be affected by the same things. If you expect them to, you will be very disappointed and frustrated indeed.
   
   Put your attention on yourself and don’t worry about what others are doing. Things are rarely what they appear to be, and there are always more sides to any story. Yes, things often seem to be unfair and others may seem to have things easier than you  - but instead of focusing on them, focus on you and what you can do to improve things for yourself. I promise you’ll be much happier.
   
   “The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” - Steven Furtick
   
   
6. Do More of What You Love
   
   What brings you joy? What do you love to do so much that time flies when you’re doing it? How can you bring more of this into your life?
   
   You might think that you don’t have time or that you have so many responsibilities that it would be irresponsible to spend time on yourself in this way.
   
   It’s important to find the time - not only for your own happiness, but you’ll find that it will benefit everyone around you as well.
   
   It doesn’t have to be difficult. All you have to do is make sure you schedule regular time to do something that you really enjoy.
   
   Let’s say you enjoy writing - you could set aside some time each day (15 or 30 minutes) or an hour or two each week and just allow yourself to sit and write.
   
   Whatever it is, put it on your calendar. Schedule time for yourself to do something you love. It can be that simple.
   
   Spend more time doing what you love and you’ll naturally feel happier and more energized.
   
   “Do what makes YOU happy. Focus on what brings YOU joy. Appreciate and do more things that make YOU smile. Live your life for yourself. You matter! You count! You’re deserving of true happiness! This is YOUR life. Live it to the fullest! Live life with no regrets.” - Stephanie Lahart
   
   
7. Put Yourself First
   
   Contrary to popular belief, putting yourself first is not selfish. It is if you do it at the expense of others, but making sure that your needs are met means that you will have more positive energy to share with others because you’ll feel good.
   
   If you’re used to putting others first all the time, you will ultimately find your energy becoming depleted. So often we want to help others when we are struggling ourselves and then frustration and resentment can build as we become more and more depleted.
   
   You might think it’s selfish to take care of yourself or put yourself first when others need help, but it’s exactly the opposite. When your needs are met and you feel good, you are able to help others from a place of strength, which means that you can help them even more.
   
   I think this quote sums it up quite nicely:
   
   "You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive nor sick enough to help sick people get well." – Abraham
   
   Stop putting yourself last on the list. Put yourself first and then you’ll have more to give others.
   
   “Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
   - Parker Palmer
   
   
8. Know Yourself
   
   The Greek philosopher, Aristotle, said “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” It’s true – the most successful people know themselves very well and use that knowledge to their advantage.
   
   How well do you really know yourself? For example:
   
   - What energizes you?
   - What drains you?
   - What makes you feel good?
   - What doesn’t?
   - What brings you joy?
   - What is most important to you?
   
   It’s so helpful to develop extreme self-awareness and to get to know yourself at the deepest levels.
   
   When you know what’s most important to you, have a clear sense of what energizes you and what drains you, and are familiar with your strengths and weaknesses you are less likely to be thrown off-track when difficulties arise.
   
   How do you develop this level of self-awareness? By paying attention to everything you think and everything you feel. When something bothers you, be willing to explore and use the situation to learn more about yourself.
   
   I think the more you know yourself energetically and emotionally, the stronger you become and the less threatened you feel by stressful situations or by other people’s behavior.
   
   The more you know yourself, the more confident, empowered and happier you become, and everyone benefits.
   
   “The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.” - Toni Collette
   
   
9. Learn to Embrace Change
   
   If there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that life is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same forever, no matter how much we might want it to.
   
   The challenges come when you resist change or are afraid of it, because then you will experience more stress and anxiety. When you learn to embrace change and go with the flow of life you open yourself up to more possibilities and more happiness.
   
   It’s the resistance to change that causes us to suffer. I used to be afraid of change, but now I truly embrace it. If things are going to change anyway, it’s much better to focus on what it is that you really want and allow things to change in that direction, rather than clinging to what you know.
   
   I know it can be difficult when change is forced upon you unexpectedly, but even then it’s very likely that, if you don’t resist it, and you look for what’s good about the change, then it will lead you to something better.
   
   Just like the saying “when one door closes, another opens.” How often has an unexpected change come about for you that felt really uncomfortable at the time, but now when you look back you can see it was probably the best thing that could have happened for you?
   
   When you learn to accept and even embrace change, rather than being afraid of it or resisting it, you’ll find there’s a lot less stress in your life, which will allow you to feel much happier.
   
   “Become a student of change. It is the only thing that will remain constant.” - Anthony D’Angelo
   
   
10. Allow Others to Help You
    
    How good are you at asking for and receiving help from others?
    
    So often we think we have to do everything ourselves and that it’s a sign of weakness to ask for help, or it means we don’t know what we’re doing.
    
    I used to be terrible at asking for help and I didn’t know how to receive it. Now I know that it’s not weakness to ask for help, it’s actually a sign of strength.
    
    Not only that, I found that people really like to be asked. People feel good when they have an opportunity to help.
    
    How often do you find yourself struggling with something because you don’t like to ask for help? How often are you disappointed when others don’t offer to help you or are not there when you need them?
    
    You must learn to ask for what you want. Don’t expect others to guess or to know what you need. If you learn to ask, you’ll be surprised how often you’ll receive exactly what you need – or perhaps even more.
    
    Sometimes you might not ask because you don’t want to bother anyone, or because you’re afraid they will say no. At least give people the opportunity to say yes. So often we deny people the opportunity to help us because we don’t like to ask for help.
    
    When you try to do everything by yourself and you shut others out you put too much pressure on yourself and you’ll never be able to relax. Other people want to help you, and they will feel good when they do. When you take the pressure off yourself by allowing others to help, you can relax and enjoy life so much more.
    
    “Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you."  - Jim Rohn
    
    
    

What would it be like if you made your happiness a priority? What would it be like if you started each day by setting an intention to do more of what brings you happiness?

Perhaps you already do make your happiness a priority. If you do, I applaud you because you are putting out more positive energy into the world - which is truly needed.

If not, I invite you to consider those questions and allow yourself to bring a little more happiness into your life. Implementing any one of these strategies will make a significant impact on your health, happiness and general well-being. Don’t wait - start today!

Sometimes you might feel you can’t be happier no matter what you do. You want to be happy, but every time things start to improve and you feel better, something happens to pull you back.

In this case, it’s likely that you have invisible emotional energy and emotional pain that’s holding you back. I’ve put together a free min-course sharing the Top 10 Reasons That Energy Holds You Back, which will help you see if this is what’s happening for you.

Have you ever felt that there must be something holding you back, but you just can’t get to the bottom of what it is?

Like the person who can’t seem to make the progress they want, no matter how hard they try. Or the person who is very knowledgeable, successful and accomplished, but continues to doubt themselves and their abilities.

Then there are people who are so deeply affected by other people’s energy, emotions and opinions, that it affects their confidence, self-esteem and happiness.

It can all be very confusing, as well as frustrating and overwhelming at times.

Even though people think they know themselves quite well, when they begin to go inward and look more closely, it soon becomes very clear that there are emotions and energies affecting them that they had absolutely no idea about.

It’s often a shock for them to discover just how much these emotions and energies have been controlling them.

In this blog post I’ll share examples of how this invisible emotional energy and pain can affect you and hold you back, and what you can do about it.

Everything is energy. Our thoughts are energy, our emotions are energy, and any painful or traumatic experience we have has energy.

When a particular emotion is triggered, you feel it in your body. When you have an unhappy thought, you feel it, and when you have a painful or traumatic experience you feel it energetically in your body, and that energy is stored inside you.

It is in our nature to move away from whatever doesn’t feel good. When it comes to uncomfortable emotions and painful experiences, this can mean that we ignore them, try to push them away or alternatively, we can allow them to overtake us, taking us into a downward spiral of pain and discomfort.

This energy and pain can build up inside you and, even when you think you’ve moved past the situation that created it, it can continue to affect you without you knowing it.

Emotional energy and pain is invisible, but it affects you on a daily basis. When it’s not acknowledged and released, it will create more painful situations and more discomfort.

When you have awareness and understanding of this energy, it enables you to see just how it impacts you and your ability to accomplish what you want.

Without this awareness, this energy controls you without your knowledge, and you never associate the experiences you’re having and the situations that arise with the emotional energy and pain that is stored within you.

Without this awareness, when things are not working out as you want them to, you’ll find yourself focusing on the wrong things. As you focus on the wrong things, you’ll experience more frustration and anxiety and add more of this energy to what is already there.

Without this understanding we become disconnected from our true selves, constantly looking outside ourselves for answers that we cannot find.

For example, think of the person who is unhappy with their job, so they leave and find a new job, only to discover they are just as unhappy in the new position. This may happen multiple times as they are constantly searching for that ideal position that will bring them happiness and fulfillment, which never comes.

It doesn’t happen because the problem is not the job. Nothing will change until they begin to look at the energy within themselves.

I once worked with someone who was having this exact experience. After a couple of calls he said “I’m just realizing that it’s not the job, it’s me.” He recognized that he would continue to have the same experiences until he looked at himself and how he was creating these situations.

Another client was struggling to grow her business and was frustrated with her husband whom, she felt, was being unsupportive. During one of our early conversations she said “It’s not him is it? It’s me.”

When I work with people it’s always exciting for me when they arrive at this understanding because it means they are ready to change their situation. As long as they continue to believe that the problem is outside of them, nothing can change.

The key lies in being aware of and being willing to acknowledge your emotions. Not only the emotions you are feeling at any given moment, but also the emotional energy and pain that is stored from your past.

Instead of avoiding ‘negative’ emotions, you can learn how to process them. When you do this, they cannot continue to affect you. This article in Psychology Today has some helpful information on the processing of emotions.

The thought of doing this type of inner work is terrifying for some people. They imagine they will have to revisit painful experiences from childhood, or that once they take the lid off these emotions and this pain it will be too much to bear.

But this does not have to be the case. It’s not about going back. I see it more as looking at what’s going on now and how it’s affecting you - then moving forward from there.

I’ll share some of my favorite ways of releasing emotional energy and pain, but before I do that, I want to show you the huge impact and benefit of identifying and releasing this energy by sharing comments from some of the people I’ve worked with, so you can see that it doesn’t have to be terrifying at all:

"Over the past weeks I have seen parts of myself I didn't realize existed and they shook me to my core. My focus has shifted away from trying to figure out my next career move to paying attention to myself. I am relaxing into whatever is to be and not trying to control it.”

"I had a wonderful moment of clarity about fear. I have allowed fear way too much power over me in my life.  It doesn't have to be that way. It's so obvious all of a sudden.  In trying to sort it out, I realized that there were 5 different things contributing to the fear of this moment.”

“I’m only two lessons in and have experienced the most profound shift. I used to be petrified to take my mind off of financial striving, for fear of not having enough. With your program, I’ve focused on creating ease and peace in my life, and at the same time created a better income than I’ve experienced in years.”

“When I look back on the past 5 weeks I can’t believe how much I have changed. I feel like I have more control, more peace in my life. I’m more accepting of others, I have a better relationship with my brother, not so jealous, more loving relationship. Same with my mom. I feel like I’m releasing a lot of things that I have had inside for a long time.”

“I've learned I am good enough and relearned to trust my judgement, walk away from things that don't feel right instead of doing them because I feel obligated.  I've learned to focus on what I need to focus on instead of obsessing over things I felt jealous about.  I've regained my self confidence and feel happier."

For these people, and many others, the insights they gained are invaluable and, as you can tell, immediately helped them to feel better and improve their situations.

I think the most important thing to remember is that, although there are people who can help you do this, nobody can do it for you.

There are many techniques and strategies that are helpful. I’ll share some of my favorites here:

Process the Emotion - this is my favorite. It has proven to be the most effective for me and I love to help my clients work through emotions by following these steps:

• Sit quietly, close your eyes and take a deep breath
• Identify what you’re feeling - name the emotion (angry, sad, etc.)
• Notice where you feel it the most in your body (chest, abdomen, etc.)
• Put your attention on this area and breathe into it
• Notice what you feel without judgment and keep breathing into it
• Imagine you are shining a spotlight onto this area, this emotion
• Keep breathing and notice if anything about it changes while you’re doing this
• Ask yourself: “what do I need to learn from what I’m feeling?” “What is this feeling telling me about myself?”
• Pay attention to what comes to you - if nothing comes, don’t worry, just continue to breathe into it and keep the spotlight on it. Acknowledge what you’re feeling
• Take as long as you need, and when you feel you’re ready, open your eyes and come back

Sometimes insights come right away, sometimes it may be a day or two later, be open to learning what this is about

The more you practice this the easier it will become. Eventually, you’ll be able to do it without needing to close your eyes, and you’ll be able to do it in any situation. It can take just a minute or two to do.


Journaling - this is another very effective way of discovering what energy you’re dealing with and then releasing it. You can write about the situation you’re experiencing, write about what you’re feeling and see if you can uncover any insights. Again, you can ask yourself what it is you need to learn from what’s going on - if you allow yourself to write without thinking too much you will often gain valuable insights.

You can then write something like “I am now willing to release this….” or ask how you can release it and again see what comes to you as you write.

You can also use specific journaling prompts to help you with whatever emotion you are feeling.

Meditation - a guided or focused meditation can help you release difficult emotions. You can meditate on the specific challenge. You can create an affirmation or mantra to focus on while you’re meditating. For example, if you are feeling angry about something, you could focus on an affirmation that says “I am willing to learn what my anger is telling me.”

Instead of trying to push the feeling away or replace it with a positive one, embrace it and see what you can learn from it. If you find it difficult to do by yourself, you can also use a guided meditation that walks you through the process.

Talk it through - sometimes there’s no substitute for talking through what you’re feeling. It’s best if you do this with someone who is trained and has the ability to help you - such as a coach, a therapist or healing practitioner. Although if you have a supportive and understanding friend or colleague who knows how to listen and ask the right questions and who won’t try to ‘fix’ the situation, that can also be helpful.

Sometimes just the act of talking about it brings clarity and helps to release what you’re feeling.

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) - If you’re not familiar with this technique, it involves tapping on certain acupressure points while saying certain statements related to the situation. There are many YouTube videos that show you how to do this - I think this one is effective, by Brad Yates

There are also many therapists who specialize in this technique.

When you feel unhappy with your life, when things aren’t working out, or when you continue to repeat the same patterns over and over, recognize that what you think is the problem (the job, the relationship, the situation) is probably not the real problem. You may have emotional energy and pain that is holding you back.

We can become very good at hiding or not dealing with our emotions, but this does not cause them to go away. The energy and pain from your beliefs and your experiences is stored within you and can affect everything you do.

When you properly acknowledge and process your emotions, you can effectively release them and use them to give you greater confidence and strength, so you know you have the ability to handle any situation.
 
If you’re still not sure whether emotional energy and pain might be holding you back, take this short quiz to bring some clarity.

You can also enroll in a free mini-course that will share with you the Top 10 Reasons Energy Holds You back.

In this short video we explore the invisible emotional energy and pain that holds us back.

It discusses:

• Where this emotional energy and pain can come from
• What happens when you continue to ignore it
• How you can begin to discover what this means for you.

This is such an important topic because it holds the key to many of the challenges that you have been facing.

It will help to make sense of some of the things you are experiencing that haven't made sense before.

Want to know if there is invisible emotional energy and pain holding you back? Take the quiz to find out.

Some people know from an early age exactly what they are passionate about and what they want to do with their life. They have a clear sense of purpose and develop a clear vision for who they want to be and what they want to accomplish.

There is often an assumption that this is how it should be for everyone. So if you are not clear on exactly who you are, what you’re passionate about, and what you want to do with your life, you can be left feeling as though there must be something wrong.

In fact, many people struggle with the whole concept of having passions, a purpose and vision, and it can even create anxiety. They say things like:

• What if I don’t know what my passion is?
  
• I am struggling with knowing exactly what my purpose is.
• I want to have passion and purpose but I can’t think of anything big enough.
• What comes first, passion or purpose?
  
• Is purpose the same as having a vision?
• Should I have a vision?
  
  

In this article I explore how to let go of any confusion or uncertainty, and connect with what’s important in a way that is meaningful for you.

Passion - something you enjoy doing so much that you lose track of time when you’re doing it. Perhaps you love reading about it, talking about it, and/or you want to do it any time you can. It can be something big and meaningful - like saving animals or the environment. But you might just as equally be passionate about baking, playing a sport, or doing a jigsaw puzzle.

Purpose - why you want to do something. Why do you enjoy it so much? Why is it so important to you? What is your purpose in doing it. Again, it could be something big - like you want to save the planet, or put an end to the suffering of animals, or it could be that completing a jigsaw gives you a feeling of accomplishment, or baking for your family is a way of showing your love for them.

Vision - your vision for yourself, your life and what you want to accomplish comes from knowing your passions and purpose, and is something that inspires you. Your vision can adapt and change as you grow and change. Again, you may have a big, bold vision that inspires you and is your motivation to get out of bed each morning. Or, your vision could simply be to be the best you can be at what you do, or to live the happiest life you can. When you have a vision you then start to think about HOW to make that vision happen.

If you don’t already have a clear idea of your passion, purpose and vision, here are some suggestions to help you connect with them in the way that’s right for you.

1. Let go of ‘shoulds’
   I think the first step is to let go of any thoughts about what they ‘should’ be, or what this is supposed to look like. For example, you may have read books about turning your passion into profit, and if that’s what you want to do, that’s great. But just because you have a passion for baking, that may not mean that you want to open a bakery. In fact, sometimes, when you turn a passion into something that you do for a living, it can actually take all the joy out of it.
   
   
2. Know what you want
   Of course, it is possible to turn something you are passionate about into a career or business and if that’s what you’d like to do, it’s important to pursue that. The question to ask yourself is whether this is something you’d like to be doing all the time. If you enjoy something so much that you love talking about it and being around people who do it and talk about it as much as you can, then you can explore what’s possible.
   
   
3. Brainstorm possibilities
   So often we dismiss things because we think it’s impossible to make a living doing it. For example, you may absolutely love everything about playing piano, but you’re not at the standard of a concert pianist. That doesn’t mean to say you couldn’t make a living with it. For example, perhaps you could work in a store that sold pianos, or perhaps you could teach people how to play, or create an online course that shows people how to play. Or perhaps you could host piano retreats (online at the moment of course) or something like that. There are many possibilities you may not have thought of. This would give you the opportunity to pursue what you are passionate about and make a living doing it - if that feels good to you.
   
   
4. Stop comparing
   I think one of the things that holds people back the most is when they compare themselves to others. You may look at someone else who has a very clear purpose and vision and knows what they are passionate about and think you want to be like them. This will lead to disappointment and frustration. It doesn’t matter what others are doing or not doing. The most important thing is to connect with yourself, to discover what’s important to you, what you enjoy and what feels right for you.
   
   
5. Allow for change
   You may be really passionate about something and driven to do it right now, but in a couple of years time that might change. You might be drawn to something else that becomes your new passion. I think we often feel held back because we think that once we choose something it’s then set in stone and we have to do it for the rest of our lives. Some people have more than one passion, and that’s okay. I love this TED talk by Emilie Wapnic, where she talks about why some of us don’t have one true calling.
   
   
6. Know who you are
   It’s important to learn how to connect with yourself at the deepest levels, with the core of who you are. Even if you love to do different things, and you seem to move from one thing to another, then what that means is that at your core, you are passionate about learning. Maybe you’re great at starting things and once they are started you love to hand them over to someone else so you can learn something new. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s who you are.
   
   
7. Know what you (really) want
   I always say that the biggest secret to getting what you want is to know what you (really) want. This may sound obvious, but when I work with clients this is the thing they often have the hardest time with. Often they think they know what they want, but when we really start digging a little deeper they find that what they thought they wanted is what they thought they ‘should’ want. It’s what they’ve been programmed to believe they wanted. That’s why I say you need to get to know what you (really) want. What feeds your soul? What lights you up? That’s what you want to connect with.

Passions:

There’s no doubt that being passionate about something energizes you. When something is very important to you, and you really enjoy it, you feel energized when you think about it, talk about it, or do it.

If you’re still finding it difficult to identify what your passions are, here are some things to think about:

• When you think about someone who is passionate about something, you probably think of someone who is on fire with ideas and motivation – who has really high energy. But not everyone feels passion that intently. Perhaps you really enjoy doing something, but it’s a quieter enjoyment. It brings you peace, it makes you feel good. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to spend every waking moment talking about it or being involved in it.
  
  
• Perhaps passion doesn’t have to be some big, bold thing that you do all the time. It can be other, smaller things. You might have a passion for music – but it’s not something you want to try making a living doing. You might have a passion for cooking – but you have no desire to open a restaurant. I have a passion for playing tennis, and I’ll play as much as I possibly can, but I have no vision of being able to do any more than that.
  
  
• You might have a passion for jigsaws, knitting, reading, writing or being outdoors – it could be any number of things. But you can simply enjoy doing them as much as you want, without needing to turn it into something big or bold or that you do all the time – unless you want to.
  

• What you’re passionate about doesn’t have to be something that you impress others with. And passions can change – you might find a time when you’re tired of doing jigsaws, but you find a love for crosswords or Sudoku.
  

• You don’t have to dismiss something you enjoy doing as not being a passion just because it doesn’t fit in with the stereotypical view of what a passion should or shouldn’t be.
  

Purpose

Feeling that you have a purpose and you are living that purpose is also energizing, rather than feeling that you’re just moving through each day with no sense of purpose.

When it comes to purpose, many people struggle to know what this is for them. When you do something with purpose, you do it with determination. When your activities have a purpose, you have an aim or intention in mind. I’m doing this because….

So really, everything you do has a purpose – you have a reason why you’re doing it. The important thing is to know what that ‘why’ is, and to make sure it’s a good fit for you.

For example, I mentioned that I’m passionate about tennis and will play as much as I possibly can. Why do I do it? For me, it’s about so much more than running around and hitting a ball, and getting exercise.

Getting exercise is helpful and important, I also enjoy the social aspect – being on a team and creating friendships with my teammates. But the biggest thing I get out of it, is that it’s a tremendous source of personal growth and improvement for me.

I’m always striving to improve – not just my tennis game, but my physical fitness, and my emotional and mental fitness as well. I have learned so much about myself, and other people, and handling conflict and difficult situations by playing tennis than anything else. How I feel and how I handle things when I’m playing tennis also helps me to make sense of many other things in my life.

So my purpose is much bigger than just the game of tennis.

If you’re thinking – well I have my job, but I’m not passionate about it and my purpose in doing it is so that I can pay my bills, well that’s still a purpose isn’t it? Maybe that’s not the purpose you want and perhaps you would ideally like to find a job that gives you more meaning and fulfillment. Then your job search would have purpose – it wouldn’t be just to find another job, it would be to find a job that is the best fit for you that gives you meaning and fulfillment.

Again, I think we often get stuck thinking that we have to have a big purpose in life – and that’s fine if that’s what you want. But everything you do has a reason behind it – I like to say it’s the energy behind what you’re doing. So if your purpose or the energy behind what you’re doing feels good, then you’ll get much more out of it – and so will everyone else around you.

Vision

Having a clear vision of who you are, what you want and where you want to go can give you the energy and motivation you need to get out of bed in the morning.

Many people are so used to simply getting up and getting through each busy day – and focusing on what they have to do and on the needs of the other people in their life, that they’ve completely lost touch with anything that might really fire them up and get them excited. They just don’t know what that is.

Were you ever asked – what is your vision for your life? Or where do you see yourself in the next 5 years – what’s your vision of where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing?

I always hated those questions because I just didn’t know. Having to come up with an answer to that always felt a bit fake to me – and I thought that was just me. But I now know that many people feel the same way.

My experience has been that when you let go of feeling that you need to have a vision, or that your vision for yourself or your life should be a certain way or isn’t big enough, then you open yourself up to more possibilities.

You can’t have a clear vision of anything unless you really know who you are at the deepest levels. The more you commit to self-awareness, the clearer you become on what you want for yourself and your life. But if you try to figure that out before you really know yourself, I think you may struggle.

And I think that’s where people do often struggle and feel stuck, and stay stuck. Because they’re trying to figure out their purpose and vision without really knowing themselves properly.

I think that when it comes to passion, purpose and vision it’s helpful to:

• Release expectations of what those should and shouldn’t be
  
• Stop comparing yourself to others
• Commit to learning more about yourself
• Allow for the fact that your passions, purpose and vision can change. As you change and grow so will they.
• Don’t let anyone else tell you what your passions, purpose or vision should be.
• Trust yourself to know what’s best for you

Most of all, take the pressure off, because what if, as the Dalai Lama says: The purpose of our lives is to be happy. Then all you need is know what makes you happy and do that.

What I’ve learned is that when you let go of trying to figure it all out, and instead make a commitment to getting to know and accept who you really are, then your passions, purpose and vision naturally emerge.

If you’re having difficulty knowing what it is that you really want for yourself and your life, a great place to start is to identify what you know you don’t want, and then go from there. It’s a great starting point to help you identify what you do really want.

Most importantly, make the decision to learn as much about yourself as you can. Every person and every situation has something to teach you about yourself. If you’d like to connect with a community of like-minded people who are on the same path, check out my exclusive membership membership program, where you will learn how to Know, Accept and BE Who You Are.

Not everyone feels comfortable when asked about their passion, purpose or vision. For many people it is a cause for confusion, they say things like:

• There are lots of things I enjoy, but I don't feel really passionate about anything
• I have no idea what my purpose is
• I feel as though I should know what I'm passionate about and have a purpose but the idea seems overwhelming to me
• Does it mean there's something wrong with me if I don't know what my purpose is?

These thoughts are more common than you might think, and I address them in this short video.

If you've ever felt this way, I hope this video will help you feel better and perhaps gain some clarity when it comes to passion, purpose and/or vision.

Confidence and self-esteem are terms that are often talked about together, but there are differences, and I think it’s helpful to understand the difference.

I think most of us experience low levels of both from time to time - some people more than others.

As someone who grew up with extremely low confidence and self-esteem, I know how painful that can be. I also know that you can transform, increasing your confidence and developing healthy self-esteem.

I didn’t used to think it was possible, but, having done it, I now know that it is and it’s something that anyone can accomplish - if they want to! That’s the key - you have to want to.

In this article I’ll share what I have found to be most helpful, what has worked for me and what improves in your life when you are able to change in this way.

Confidence is really about how you feel about your abilities, and self-esteem has more to do with how you feel about yourself - it relates to how you see yourself and relates to your sense of self-value and self worth.

Having low self-esteem can definitely have an effect on how confident you feel about something.

Even when you know you can do something, low self-esteem can mean that you don’t feel confident in your ability to carry it out, or that you worry about what people will think when you do.

For example, you can have low self-esteem, but be confident in certain areas of your life. Just like one client I worked with years ago who is a CPA. She is extremely confident in her work, but her low self-esteem allows her family to take advantage of her, causing her to feel extreme anxiety and stress.

Or you can have healthy self-esteem, but not feel confident about your abilities when it comes to certain things. This is often known as imposter syndrome - a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".

There are many well-known people and celebrities whom we know to be very successful, who have also admitted to having the experience of imposter syndrome.

Many people also become very good at hiding low self-esteem, and can appear to be very confident.

When I was younger this is exactly what I did. I remember receiving a promotion to work as personal assistant to the assistant director of a company. I was constantly terrified that I was going to mess up and they would find out I didn’t really know what I was doing.

Over time I became friendly with the Director’s personal assistant and one day, several months after I’d been in the job, she shared with me that when I first started she felt intimidated by me because I was so efficient!

I couldn’t believe it. I felt anything but efficient. My low self-esteem caused me to lack confidence in my abilities - but I obviously hid it very well!

Obviously, if you have low confidence and self-esteem, it’s not something that’s going to change overnight.

It’s a gradual process, and it’s something you work on every single day. It takes self-awareness, and a desire to improve. These are the steps that I’ve found to be helpful for me:
 



Notice - you have to become really good at noticing things like:

• When you’re holding yourself back
  
• When you doubt yourself
• When you lack confidence
• When you feel you’re not good enough
• When you have trouble saying no
• When people disrespect you and your boundaries
• When you need to set boundaries but you don’t
• When your inner critic is active
  

Becoming aware of a problem is always the first step to being able to change it.

Part of the problem is that we can become really good at hiding these things or denying them. When you make the decision that you want to change, then you will start to notice more.

Sometimes you won’t become aware of something until after it’s happened. It’s important not to be frustrated with that, because if this is new for you, it will take time for you to become really good at noticing.

Each time you do it, it will become easier and you’ll start to notice more.

Be honest - You must be really honest with yourself, and sometimes that’s uncomfortable.

For example, it took me quite a while to understand and admit to myself that my tendency towards perfectionism and unrealistic expectations was contributing to my feelings of not being good enough.

If I tried something new and it didn’t work right away, then I would feel like a failure. I would feel like there was something wrong with me, and would move on to look for answers elsewhere, instead of giving myself a chance to really learn from what I’d done and tweak it until I saw results. I would just dismiss it as a failure.

Acknowledging this was not comfortable for me at first. But doing so has enabled me to learn and move on. I now recognize whenever this is happening and can stop myself repeating the same unhealthy patterns.

Question everything - I have really learned to use the power of questions to turn things around. Whenever you find that you’re being critical of yourself or doubting yourself, asking questions like these can be transformative:

• What’s really true?
• What am I really afraid of?
• What would be the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?
• How can I best support myself through this?
• If I really believed in myself, what would I do differently?
• What do I need to learn from this situation so that I can move on?
• What do I really want?
  

It doesn’t matter if you don’t have answers to the questions right away. Simply asking them is empowering. Turn a question over in your mind. Write about it. The answers you need will come, as long as you ask the questions.

Talk things through - I think it’s important to have someone on your side who is trustworthy and supportive that you can talk to. You don’t need them to tell you what to do - in fact it’s better if they don’t. Just ask them to listen and let you talk.

Often, just the simple act of reaching out to someone in this way can bring clarity and answers.

This happened for me recently. I was feeling particularly overwhelmed with some things that were going on for me, and could not see a way forward. At first, I tried to sort through it all by myself, but ultimately had to admit that I needed help.

I reached out to a trusted friend and talked things through with her. She asked me a few helpful questions and at the end of the call I had a new sense of clarity that I hadn’t been able to find by myself.

Before, I had no idea how to move forward. After the call, I knew exactly what to do - not because she told me what to do, but because the act of talking it through with someone brought me to the clarity I needed.

It’s important to recognize that not everybody is capable of fulfilling this role for you. So, if you talk to your partner, or friend, or family member, and don’t receive the kind of help and support you need, don’t be upset with them. Perhaps they are not able to give you what you need.

You’re not looking for someone to ‘fix’ things for you (tempting as that might be). You’re simply looking for someone who can listen, perhaps ask questions, and simply be there to support and encourage you. That may be a friend, or a colleague, or a coach or mentor. Know who that person is for you and don’t be afraid to ask them whenever you need help.

The more you do this, the more your confidence will grow, as you see that you do have what it takes to move through any challenge. Each time you will feel better about yourself as you gain the clarity you need.

Monitor your thoughts - Often people think this means that you should always think positive thoughts and never think negative ones. That’s not helpful at all.

• Your thoughts can be very helpful when you notice and acknowledge them. For example, if your thoughts are along the lines of:
  
• 
  
• Why is this always happening to me?
• What’s wrong with me?
• What will people think of me?
• What if I don’t really know what I’m doing?
• What if I get it wrong?

These are important clues that tell you the belief of “I’m not good enough” is active.

Instead of trying to force yourself to change these thoughts into positive ones, instead, try asking yourself some of the questions mentioned above.

Another approach I’ve used with great success is to use “what if” questions to help you, like this:

• What if this is happening for me, not to me?
• What if there’s something important I can learn from this?
• What if there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m good enough as I am?
• What if people really like what I’m doing?
• What if I really do know what I’m doing?
• What if I can’t get it wrong?

I have found that using ‘what if’ in this way can help to calm the mind down and focus it on more helpful thoughts. It’s not about denying any negative or unhelpful thoughts - it’s about using them as stepping stones to your success, which will help you increase your sense of worth and confidence.

Celebrate your progress - Sometimes it’s difficult to see progress, because it can be subtle. So there’s a tendency to think you’re not making any.

This often happens with clients and it’s not until we take a look back to see where they were, how they felt, and what was going on when we first started working together that they realize they’ve made significant progress.

You can support yourself through this process by celebrating every single win. For example, you can give yourself a pat on the back:

• Every time you’re able to turn an unhelpful thought around.
• Every time you reach out to talk things through with someone.
• Whenever you notice that the belief of not being good enough is showing up.
• Each time you notice that you’re experiencing imposter syndrome.
• Whenever you say ‘no’ to something and feel good about it.
• Whenever someone says something negative or hurtful and you don’t let it bother you.

These are all causes for celebration and will help you feel better about yourself.

Accept your uniqueness - Any time you compare yourself to other people you are setting yourself up for the experience of not feeling good enough.

We often put pressure on ourselves because we see what other people are doing and wonder why things don’t happen in the same way for us. Or we think we want to be like someone else, or we’re told we should be more like someone else or do things in the same way.

The truth is that you are unique. So am I. Instead of trying to be like someone else, or do things in the same way - find YOUR way. Be the best YOU that you can be.

When you can fully, completely and unapologetically be yourself, this is where you can experience true happiness, success and fulfillment by increasing confidence and self-esteem.

Trust yourself - If there’s one piece of advice I wish I could have given to my younger self it’s this.

My low levels of confidence and self-esteem caused me to put my trust in others, instead of trusting myself.

Have you ever done something that someone else wanted you to do, even though it didn’t feel right to you at all? But you did it because you thought they must be right?

Has this ever worked out for you?

I’ve done this many times in the past, and each time I paid a high price for it. I remember clearly the last time I did this. I had been working with a group of people on a particular project with the understanding that I was only helping to get things started. Once it was ready, I would leave, because I had other things I wanted to do.

However, when the time came, even though I knew it was not right for me, I let the others persuade me to stay. I told myself it wouldn’t be for long - but it ended up being about 4 years, and I was miserable.

I finally learned my lesson from that experience. I trust myself and if something doesn’t feel right for me, then I don’t do it. I don’t ever want to put myself in that position again. It was soul destroying.

Learn to trust yourself - talk things through with others, listen to advice from others, but ultimately, check in with yourself to see what feels right to you and trust it.

Your inner guidance is priceless, and it can take time to learn to trust it, but you can start right now.

1. Be gentle with yourself - major transformation like this takes time. The best way is to love yourself through it. Practice self-care and be kind to yourself, always.
   
   
2. Allow others to support you - increasing self-esteem requires that you surround yourself with positive, supportive and encouraging people. The more you take care of yourself, the more of these people you will attract. Don’t be afraid to allow them to help you.
   
   
3. Find other ways to increase confidence and self-esteem - every little thing you do will help. Consistency is important. This article in Psychology Today shares some tools and activities that will help you increase self-esteem.
   
   

According to the Mayo Clinic, “When you have healthy self-esteem, you feel good about yourself and see yourself as deserving the respect of others. When you have low self-esteem, you put little value on your opinions and ideas.”

I think that’s a really good description. It stands to reason also that when you have healthy self-esteem, your confidence increases too.

If your self-esteem is low right now, it may seem like an overwhelming task to change that. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming. All you have to do is make a start and each little thing you do will bring added momentum.

There are many reasons why you’ll want to - here are just a few:

• You’ll feel better, have more clarity and feel more at peace
  
• You’ll let go of feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and struggle
• You’ll feel happier and enjoy life more
• You’ll attract more enjoyable people and situations into your life
• You’ll never want to go back to the way you were before
• Everyone around you will get to experience the best of you
• Your transformation will help and inspire others
  

There’s no time like the present to get started!

For more information on how to be who you really are, request a free guide: 10 Steps to Be Who YOU Are.

When someone asks you to describe yourself, you probably do what most of us do - talk about what you do - the roles that you carry out everyday. Such as, “I’m a wife, sister, daughter, teacher, accountant, counselor,” and so on.

But who are you beyond that?

Roles are things that can change - you might get divorced, so you’re no longer a wife; you might lose or change jobs, so you’re no longer a teacher or accountant. Who are you then?

When you know who you are outside of the roles that you carry out, you understand that it doesn’t matter what you ‘do,’ because you bring who you are to anything that you do and if what you do goes away it doesn’t matter, because you can easily apply yourself to something else.

However, many of us don’t really know who we are, and when you don’t then you’re likely to experience greater struggle because you will become more identified with what you do and with other people’s expectations for you, and think that’s who you are.

In this post I’ll discuss:

• some of the challenges that come when you don’t know who you really are
  
• how life improves when you commit to self-awareness, and self-acceptance
• how you can learn to be your real self,
• and why you’ll want to.

Some people have a strong sense of their personality, gifts and abilities and what's most important to them from a very early age. They know who they are and what they want to accomplish. For example:

• the comedian who always knew he was born to make people laugh 
  
• the person who loves to act or sing and always knew that's what they wanted to do 
  

I’ve worked with many people who, like me, never had such a strong sense of self. When you look at people who have always known themselves that well, it’s easy to feel that there must be something wrong with you if you don’t. That’s certainly how I felt for a large part of my life.

When you don’t have a strong sense of self, it’s difficult to accept yourself, so I became a people-pleaser, doing everything I was asked in the hopes of gaining acceptance and approval from others. If someone had a problem, I felt it was my job to fix it.

I took on other people’s problems, and other people’s pain because I thought it was up to me to make things better for others. 

I held myself back. I never spoke up for myself, and I let people dump all their problems onto me - at work and at home - because I thought it was my responsibility to make them happy with me.

I thought I was the only one who felt like this, but I have since discovered that there are many of us, looking for approval and acceptance from others because we cannot give it to ourselves. We cannot give it to ourselves when we don’t know who we really are, so we turn into a version of ourselves that is formed by the needs and expectations of others.

• You sometimes (or often) feel you're not good enough
• Your perfectionist tendencies often get in the way
• You work really hard yet never seem to find the success and fulfillment you're looking for
• You tend to become anxious and get hurt really easily, which makes it difficult to stay on task and develop relationships
• You have issues balancing engagement with others and giving yourself the solitude you need for re-charging
• You tend to absorb negativity and/or other people's drama
• You find that pressure builds up until you feel completely overwhelmed, then feel embarrassed to share that with or ask for help from others
• You often attract needy, co-dependent people
• You want to find a job that you love and gives you purpose, but it seems difficult.

I could go on.

You may be wondering what these things have to do with knowing, and being who you are. They may seem like random, external things to you, but they are not. They are all connected, because when you don’t know who you really are, you:

• take things personally
• have trouble setting boundaries and telling others “no”
• you may feel guilty if you do something good for yourself
• or you feel insecure, don’t think you’re very good at anything and won’t amount to anything.

This also leads you to have no idea what it is that you really want, so you find yourself in jobs that are unfulfilling, or working so hard that you become exhausted and overwhelmed. You have no passion for what you do so you feel under-valued and unfulfilled.

You have no sense of why you’re here and what your true gifts and passions are, often you even wonder if you have any, or if you just got the short end of the stick. So you feel lost and drift from one thing to another without any sense of where you’re going or why. Until you wake up one day wondering how you arrived here and may even feel there’s no hope.

You find yourself fitting into other people’s agendas, so you’re always last on the list. Other people’s needs come before your own. You somehow feel responsible for others’ pain and insecurities. So you end up doing things that feel meaningless and unfulfilling to you, yet you don’t know how to stop the cycle.

As you begin to learn more about yourself, the next step is acceptance.

(Image by Gerd Altman, Pixabay)

You might discover something about yourself and wish that you were different. For example, I hear from many people who have discovered that they have the trait of being highly sensitive, as I do. This brings with it many challenges, but also many benefits.

When you focus only on the challenges associated with the trait it will cause you to try to ‘shut off’ your sensitivity, and deny it, because you want to fit in. When you resist it in this way, you will only experience more challenges. When you are able to accept it, then you learn how to deal with the challenges and benefit from the best aspects of the trait.

Truly knowing, accepting and connecting with who you really are is liberating. You begin to accept that you’re not like everyone else and that’s how it’s supposed to be.

• When you know and accept who you are you can own your uniqueness which leads to confidence, peace and meaningful success.
  
  
• You become bigger than your fears, so that when fear arises, you are able to face it and learn from it, rather than letting it control you. When you are willing to learn what your fear is telling you, then you move through it to the breakthrough(s) that’s on the other side.
  

• You are able to set boundaries and stop allowing people to manipulate or mistreat you in any way. You learn how to say ‘no’ from a place of strength, and feel good about it. You no longer tolerate rude or disrespectful behavior from others.

• You become clear about what it is that you (really) want and how to achieve it.

• You attract supportive and positive people in all areas. The toxic and negative people (such as co-workers or personal relationships) you may have attracted in the past will no longer see you as a target. Once you learn how to interact with them, they won’t be able to affect you any more and they’ll be replaced by people who are healthier, more conscious and positive.

• Amazing opportunities open up for you that you never thought possible.

• You accomplish far more than you ever thought you could - a satisfying and fulfilling career, positive and meaningful relationships, and greater vibrancy and well-being, for example.

• You improve all your relationships - even the most challenging ones.
  

The first and most important thing to recognize is that this is a process, and it is unique for everyone. When you’ve been used to living as an inauthentic version of yourself that is not going to change overnight. So promise to be gentle and patient with yourself.

It’s really a process of unlearning - of letting go of who you thought you were, and in the process, discovering who you really are.

For example, as someone who used to be a chronic people-pleaser, I thought that’s who I was. I have since learned that I’m actually a really good people-challenger. If someone treats me badly now, I will call them on it right away - whereas I used to just accept it. If someone lies to me, I will let them know that I know, instead of being afraid to say something as I used to be in the past.

(Image by Ladyritzn, Pixabay)

Here are steps you can take to begin the process:

Get used to asking yourself questions
Whenever something doesn’t feel good or you’re not sure about something, you can ask questions like:
Is this really true for me?
Is this what I really want to be doing?
What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself in this situation?
What is it that I really want?

Asking questions in this way puts your energy, your focus and attention on finding what’s true and right for you. Don’t worry if you don’t have answers to the questions right away. Get used to asking yourself questions like this and answers will come to you and your truth will begin to emerge.

Learn from everything and everyone
Pay attention when someone says something they really like about you, don’t just dismiss it. For example, if someone says “you’re a really good listener,” and you find that people often come to you with their problems, then own the fact that you have this ability. Not everyone does.

In particular, be willing to learn from the difficult people and situations you encounter. Instead of resisting them, or talking about how unfair they are, ask yourself what you can learn from that person or situation. This is one of my favorite strategies, because you learn that every difficult encounter is an opportunity to learn something about yourself. Once you learn what it is that you need to learn, then you won’t need that difficult person or situation any more.

Practice Self-Care
Get used to treating yourself well. The better you treat yourself, the better you feel, and the better you feel, the more everyone around you benefits. This is surprisingly difficult for many people, and it used to be for me. I think not treating yourself well goes hand in hand with not knowing who you really are.

Treat yourself with love and kindness - as you would treat anyone else you really cared deeply about. Care for yourself in the same way.

Give Yourself What You Need
Often we get stuck because we’re not getting what we need from those close to us. Your family may not understand you, your spouse may not give you the response you were looking for when you share a challenge with them. You may feel unappreciated and unloved.

Instead of being upset that other people are not giving you what you need, learn to give it to yourself. Appreciate and value yourself, and you’ll find that you receive more appreciation from others. Release your expectations that others should give you what you need. Give it to yourself first, rather than needing it from someone else.

Know What’s Most Important to You
Sometimes people have a hard time with this. If you’re having trouble knowing what you really want and what’s really important, then start by making a list of what you know you don’t want. For example, if you hate the fact that you’re busy all the time and you never have any time to do things that you want to do, then perhaps your time and freedom to do what you want are particularly important to you.

As someone who used to put her own needs last and everyone else’s first, it was a revelation to me to learn that one of the most important things for me is my time and freedom to do what I want without being controlled by others. I no longer tolerate someone wasting my time or trying to tell me what to do.

Start learning about what is really important to you.

Take Care of Your Energy
Make your energy and vitality your number one priority. This means that you learn to set boundaries - saying no to what doesn’t serve you and yes to what does. To be able to do this you must know what is really important to you, as mentioned above.

The more you do this, the easier it is to let go of things that don’t support your energy. This includes people! If someone drains your energy, then why would you want to be around them?

Sometimes you have to be around someone who affects your energy in a negative way. Perhaps it’s a family member or co-worker. If that’s the case, accept who they are, and set the intention that you won’t allow them to take or manipulate your energy in any way. Refuse to let them pull you into their negativity.

As you begin to respond to them differently, they will no longer be able to negatively affect your energy.

Be Willing to Let Go
You will discover that there are things in your life that don’t support you and are not good for you. Be willing to disconnect from them and let go. Perhaps it’s a job or a group that you’ve been part of for a long time, but that doesn’t really serve you.

If you are a highly sensitive person or empath, it’s also highly likely that you take on (often without being aware of it) the energy of others. It could be individuals, or it could be collective energy - such as ancestral energy or global energy.

For example, think about all the emotional and physical pain that’s going on in the world right now - with COVID, fires in the west and storms and flooding in the east. There’s a lot of uncomfortable energy and if you allow yourself to take that on and be hooked into it, you will never be able to make any progress.

Learn to recognize when it is affecting you and be willing to let it go.

1. Remember that this is an inner process - there is no external solution, you must do the inner work
   
2. Be patient, loving and gentle with yourself
3. This is not a race, you’ll make a little progress every day, let that be okay
4. Nobody can do this for you - only you can do it
5. As you become more yourself, you may experience resistance from others who are used to you being the way they want you to be. Keep going anyway.
6. Allow others to support you - find those who support and encourage you, these are the people you want to hang out with
7. Make a commitment to yourself - this work isn’t easy, but once you commit, you will never want to go back!
   
   

Are you feeling great about yourself and your life right now? If you are, give yourself a pat on the back and a round of applause because you know who you are and you are living as yourself.

If you don’t feel great about yourself and some aspect of your life, then there’s (inner) work to do. You’ll want to start right away by implementing what I’ve shared in this article.

We’re only here for a limited amount of time - and none of us knows how long that is. Don’t waste another day not knowing and being who you really are. Start the process now.

It’s your choice of course, you don’t have to do this. But do you really want to be repeating the same patterns and be in the same place 1, 3 or 5 years from now?

When you’re ready to commit to being who you really are, connect with others who have made the same commitment. I invite you to join the Know, Accept and BE Who You Are program. It’s a monthly membership program where you’ll learn everything you need to know, and receive the support and guidance you need to really know, accept and finally BE who you really are.

Try it for one month for just $1, if you like it, the price is just $47/month after the first month. You can cancel at any time.

There is often a lot of confusion about high sensitivity and whether it has links to ADHD.

In this video I team up with Productivity Expert and ADHD Coach, Sue West for a discussion on the differences.

Because HSPs can easily become overwhelmed there is often an assumption that they may have ADHD - while it is possible, that's not necessarily true. That's why I'm excited to have this conversation.

I learned a lot from our conversation - I hope you will too.

Whether you have ADHD or not, whether you're highly sensitive or not, most challenges and feelings of anxiety and overwhelm come because in some way you feel it's not okay to be you.

We push ourselves so hard to be more, to do more and accomplish more, and to fit in and succeed, when often all we need to do is simply learn howto be ourselves.

To help you do just that I've put together a free simple guide to help you Be Who You Are. It's a short, downloadable e-book that contains 10 Steps to help you Know Yourself, Accept Yourself and BE Yourself. Request your copy by clicking the button below.

I think everyone experiences stress or anxiety from time to time, and there’s no doubt that stress and anxiety levels are heightened at the moment.

Life as we know it has changed and continues to change. There’s so much that is unknown and unknowable at this point, and yet we have to find ways to stay safe and well and continue to move forward, even when we don’t know what that means.

Some people handle change and the unknown quite well, and others struggle with it. What happens when that stress and anxiety build up so that they completely overwhelm you?

Even if you do usually handle stress and change quite well, many people are feeling overwhelmed right now, so how do you bounce back from that?

In this post I’ll be sharing strategies to help you bounce back whenever you feel overwhelmed.

The definition of anxiety is: “the mind and body’s reaction to stressful, dangerous or unfamiliar situations. It’s the sense of uneasiness, distress, or dread you feel before a significant event.” (Anxiety.org). This is something that we all experience from time to time.

When the levels of anxiety build, you can find yourself in a state of overwhelm. This is when it all feels like it’s just too much and you don’t know what to do to feel better.

Anxiety can turn into a disorder when it affects your ability to function. That’s not what I’m covering here - and if you do feel you have an anxiety disorder, it’s important to receive professional help and treatment.

When you are faced with regular, day-to-day anxiety, which can lead to overwhelm, there’s a lot you can do to help yourself, and that’s what I want to look at here.

The following strategies and techniques are all simple and effective ways to help you whenever you start to feel overwhelmed:

Take a Breath

When you feel like things are spiraling out of control and you are overwhelmed with emotions, and stressful thoughts and you can’t think clearly, you can use your breathing to bring a sense of calm and clarity.

This is something you can do anytime and anywhere. Simply put your focus and attention onto your breathing. Be aware as you breathe in and as you breathe out.

For this, you don’t have to change your breathing, simply put your attention on it. You can even repeat to yourself (in your mind) “I am breathing in, I am breathing out” with each breath.

If you want to take it a step further, you can imagine that as you breathe in you are breathing in calm energy, and as you breathe out you are letting go of all stress and anxiety.

You only need to do this for a few breaths, perhaps 5 - 10, which will take less than a minute.

This article in Psychology Today goes into more detail about how to use breathing to relieve anxiety and shares more breathing techniques.

Focusing on your breathing keeps you in the present moment, rather than worrying about something that’s happened or that might happen.

Let Go of Resistance

Stress is created when we resist what is happening. We say things like “this shouldn’t be happening to me,” or “this isn’t fair.”

The truth is that it is happening. The sooner you accept that fact, the sooner you will be able to change it. When you keep fighting something because it ‘shouldn’t be happening’ you will stay stuck in it much longer.

Resisting something takes up a great deal of your energy. It depletes you and, as the saying goes “what you resist persists.”

When you let go of resistance and accept that whatever is happening is happening (even if you don’t like it) and release needing to label it as bad, you can claim your energy back.

Surrendering in this way brings peace and it also brings solutions to difficult problems. The solutions can’t come when you are focusing your energy on the fact that it shouldn’t be happening.

Resistance brings fear, and acceptance brings clarity.The energy of acceptance and appreciation will move you forward faster than the energy of resistance and resentment.

If you don’t like the word ‘acceptance’ because it feels like giving in, then choose another word, like ‘acknowledge.’

Re-Frame Your Thoughts

It’s said that we think somewhere between 50,000 – 60,000 thoughts each day, and that most of those thoughts are the same. When you’re worried about something, you can’t stop thinking about it. Your mind makes up stories about the worst that could happen. You start to imagine all sorts of terrible scenarios and each one makes you feel worse and worse, draining your energy.

Most of this happens unconsciously. All you know is you feel terrible and it’s difficult to get things done – and you’re probably not too much fun to be around, particularly if you constantly talk about those worrying thoughts.

What do you think about obsessively? Do you worry about your health, money, relationships, or your weight? Do you worry about the economy or constantly think about the danger your children could be in or whether you’ll still have a job tomorrow?

Identifying what you think about – particularly your repetitive thoughts – can come as something of a surprise. Most people are surprised by just how many negative and unhelpful thoughts they have each day.

Pay attention to your thoughts and notice when you think negative and unhelpful thoughts or when you’re thinking the same thoughts over and over. You may be surprised at what you find.

Once you know what you’re thinking you can make a conscious effort to change the unhelpful thoughts. This will renew your energy and, since you attract into your life what you focus on, it will help you to attract more positive people and situations into your life – and that’s always a good thing.

People often feel that changing your thoughts means you have to force yourself to think positive thoughts, but that doesn’t work and can actually be counter-productive.

You can’t deny that you’re thinking the thoughts you are thinking and forcing yourself not to think them doesn’t work. Instead, you can use them, and learn from them, which then allows you to change them.

So if you’re trying to force yourself to think positively, try paying attention to the thoughts and ask yourself what you can learn from them. This is the first step to being able to change them.

If you find it difficult to change your thoughts, try one of these techniques:

What if….

Try turning any negative what if’s around, like this:

• What if it doesn’t work?
• What if it works really well?
  
  
• What if I can’t figure it out?
• What if I have access to all the answers I need?
  
  
• I’m really tired, what if I can’t make it through the day?
• What if I have all the energy I need to accomplish everything I want to today?

You get the idea. This is a technique I have used many times with great success. Our minds tend to go easily to negative what-if’s, so just turn those around to more positive ones.

Reframe with Affirmations

Affirmations can be helpful, but they must be believable. If you’re feeling absolutely exhausted and you tell yourself you are filled with boundless energy, you know you’re lying and I think that no amount of repeating that affirmation will change things.

The answer is to change it to something more believable. Instead, you could say :

“I have all the energy I need to accomplish what I want today.”

Since I have had challenges with insomnia over the years I often feel very tired. Whenever my thoughts turn to how tired I am and how little energy I have, I tell myself I have all the energy I need to do what it is that I need to do. And you know what? I always do.

Another way is to remind yourself that you’re doing the best that you can. This is also a good way to quieten those unhelpful thoughts, such as:

• Even though I feel like I’m struggling with this situation, I’m doing the best that I can and I will move through it.
  
  
• Everyday I find new ways to move forward. Answers are coming to me.

 

• I now choose to transform unhelpful thoughts and welcome more positivity into my life.
  
  
• I have the power to change my thoughts about anything. I now choose to reach for the most positive, uplifting and powerful thoughts I can in all situations.
  
  
• I have the ability to keep my thoughts focused on what I want. I now release all thoughts that do not support me.

Write out your thoughts

Sometimes there are so many thoughts running round in your head it’s difficult to keep track of them all.

This is where writing can really help you. Get a notebook and write out everything that’s on your mind. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense. You can write any thoughts or words that come up. You’re not going to publish it or show it to anybody.

The purpose of doing this is to calm your mind down by getting the thoughts out of your head. Don’t think about it as you write, just write. You may be surprised at some of the things that come out. There could be thoughts you didn’t even know that you were thinking.

Once you know what you’re thinking, you can ask yourself if these thoughts are helpful or unhelpful. Are they supporting you or harming you?

Think about what thoughts would be more helpful and then, whenever you notice your mind going over the unhelpful thoughts, you can choose to replace them with more helpful ones.

Let Nature Help You

Being in nature has an incredibly calming effect on us. There have been many studies that show this is the case. This article on the Positive Psychology website goes into more detail about the positive effects of nature.

I know that for me, if ever I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed with something, I just have to go for a walk outside, or sit on my deck and listen to the birds and feel the energy of the trees and I feel better very quickly.

If you are not able to go outside, there are other ways to benefit from nature. You can surround yourself with pictures of beautiful nature scenes, you can have beautiful indoor plants, you can even listen to nature sounds. I like to use Insight Timer, which is a free app, where I can listen to sounds of the ocean waves and birdsong or a waterfall or rain falling anytime I want.

In a recent article I published on self-care, Joan Vorderbruggen shared some of the benefits of the Japanese practice of Forest Bathing, which has become popular all over the world as a way to bring people back to balance.

Never underestimate the healing power of nature. If you have animal companions I’m sure you also know the calming effect they can have too. Just being around animals can have a calming and balancing effect.

Let nature support you and help you maintain a sense of balance in stressful times.

Move Your Body

Many studies have been carried out that show the health benefits of exercise and this article from Harvard Medical School explains how it helps with anxiety.

I have certainly found this to be true. For me, I enjoy walking, playing tennis and yoga and find them extremely beneficial.

I think that when your body feels healthy and strong, you feel better mentally and emotionally too.

Walking is certainly easy to do - no equipment needed. If you want to do yoga or find some other form of exercise there are many YouTube videos and I’m sure you can find one that you like.The most important thing is that it’s enjoyable and you do it consistently.

Calm Your Mind

I’ve already talked about using affirmations, conscious breathing and changing your thoughts can help to calm your mind, but there are other techniques that are helpful too. Here are a few:

Meditation - many people struggle with the idea of meditation because they find it difficult to switch off their mind. I’m the same way.

The goal of meditation is not to stop you thinking, but rather to notice the thoughts and let them pass through your mind. When your mind is overwhelmed with thoughts this can also be difficult - that’s when guided meditations can be helpful, or you can use music for meditation or simply practice focusing on your breathing.

The other difficulty people have is carving out time to meditate. You don’t have to meditate for hours each day for it to be effective. Even if you did 5 or 10 minutes each day, that would be extremely beneficial.

This article from the Ram Dass organization shares 17 ways you can use meditation to help with anxiety and has some good advice for letting go when you feel overwhelmed.

Emotional Freedom Technique - You’ve probably heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and there’s no doubt that it can be very helpful.

I have used EFT in the past and it did help. For some reason I don’t find it’s as effective for me any more, but if you haven’t tried it I think it’s worth a try.

EFT Practitioner, Brad Yates, has a helpful YouTube Video with a 6-minute exercise to help you when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Journaling - If you’ve never tried journaling or you think that you don’t have time for it, I recommend you give it a try. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming, and you don’t even have to do it everyday in order to benefit.

I have used journaling in the past to help me process my thoughts or simply get them out of my head. I find it helps to bring clarity and helps to uncover thoughts that were well hidden.

I find it particularly helpful to do first thing in the morning, before starting your day, or last thing at night before you go to sleep - this is particularly helpful if you find it difficult to sleep because of all the thoughts going round in your head.

This article from VeryWellMind (an online resource for mental health) shares some helpful journaling techniques for coping with anxiety.

Music - It is well-known that music can soothe or energize us. Whenever you have the chance, let music calm your anxieties and bring you to a place of peace.

Everyone’s choice of music is different. The important thing is to know what type of music really relaxes and soothes you.

I think music is a resource we often forget about when stressed or overwhelmed. Remember that it has the power to reduce stress and incorporate more music into your life.

Organize Your Environment

When you’re feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, probably the last thing you think of doing is decluttering and organizing at home or work. Yet this is one of the most helpful things you can do.

Isn’t it frustrating to be disorganized? How often do you find yourself wasting time looking for something that you know you have, but you can’t remember where you put it? It wastes time, it creates frustration, it drains your energy.

It’s easy to become disorganized when you’re very busy. It seems as though you cannot take the time to organize things because you have so much to do. But if you do the time to organize, you’ll actually be much more efficient at doing everything else.

The thing to do is to schedule time – actually put it on your calendar – to organize. Whether you do it once each week or once per month doesn’t matter, as long as you do it. If necessary, hire a professional organizer to come in and help you. When everything has a place and you know exactly where to put it when you’re finished with it, life is so much easier and you’ll be much more energized.

Sometimes it may be difficult to get started, but usually people find that once they do start, it feels so good they want to let go of even more.

If you find it difficult to let go of things, ask yourself these simple questions:

• Do I love it?
  
• Do I need it?
• Does it bring me joy?
• If I moved, would I want to take it with me?

If you can’t answer yes to any of these questions, then why are you keeping it?

Decluttering frees up your energy and opens up the space for new and more positive energy to come in. Letting go and being organized feels really good you’ll feel a lot less overwhelmed.

Master Your Self-Talk

How you talk to yourself matters. Whether things are going well, do you tell yourself not to become too complacent because something bad might happen? When things are not going well which voice wins - the inner critic or your inner coach?

If you want to feel less stressed and anxious and handle overwhelming situations with greater ease, you’ll want to learn to master your self-talk.

Being aware of and changing your thoughts, as we’ve already discussed, is the first step to helping you master your self-talk.

I have a couple of other favorite methods that I like to use that I’ll share with you:

Use powerful questions: When you don’t know what to do, or you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed here are some helpful questions that will make a big difference:

• What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself in this situation?
• How can I best support myself through this?
• How can I find the easiest, most enjoyable and effective way to do this?

Don’t expect a major aha moment as soon as you ask these questions, instead, let the questions sit in your mind and be willing to be guided towards the answers. The answers will come, whether it’s the same day or the following day or in a week, it doesn’t matter.

The point is that in asking the questions you are taking care of yourself and supporting yourself through a difficult situation, which is much better and more effective than beating yourself up or worrying.

Use my favorite affirmation: This affirmation is so powerful I share it with everyone I know who is experiencing a difficult situation.

It’s from Louise Hay and you’ll find that it has an immediate calming effect on you, and, even more than that, it will result in a positive outcome:

“Out of this situation only good will come, for the highest good of everyone. I am safe.”

I love this affirmation and you will too.

Practice Radical Self-Care

I wrote recently about the meaning of radical self-care and how to practice it. You might be wondering what self-care has to do with anxiety and overwhelm. The answer is everything.

When you take care of yourself, not just externally, but internally, you’ll find that you handle difficult situations with greater ease.

Taking care of yourself in this way means that you bring the best of yourself to everything you do. Your energy will be lighter, you’ll feel better, you’ll attract more people and situations that feel good to you.

Self-care is not selfish, it is exactly the opposite. Learn how to take good care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically and spiritually and you won’t allow anxiety and overwhelm to take over again.

It’s unrealistic to think that you’ll never encounter another situation that is stressful or that causes some anxiety. But when you practice the strategies outlined in this article, you will be able to take control before you start feeling overwhelmed.

The more you do this, the easier it gets and the better it gets. These strategies work and they are simple.

Whether you feel overwhelmed at work, overwhelmed at home, or overwhelmed with life in general, you don’t need to look outside yourself for solutions. Pick one of these strategies and use it. When you’ve mastered that, choose another one, and so on.

You have the power to bounce back quickly from anxiety and overwhelm.

If you’re ready to make a change, but feel too overwhelmed to start, contact me for a complimentary 15-minute Breakthrough Session and together we’ll create a plan for you to bounce back.

There are many things that can cause stress, anxiety or even overwhelm.

Something that feels stressful or overwhelming to you might not affect someone else the same way.

Whatever it is that creates anxiety or overwhelm for you, it’s important to know how to recognize and manage it so you can restore your balance and calm.

It’s helpful to have some tools available to use when you do find yourself in a situation that creates anxiety or becomes overwhelming.

This short video shares a simple but powerful technique that will help you feel better, and help you handle any stressful situation.