There are many things that can cause stress, anxiety or even overwhelm.

Something that feels stressful or overwhelming to you might not affect someone else the same way.

Whatever it is that creates anxiety or overwhelm for you, it’s important to know how to recognize and manage it so you can restore your balance and calm.

It’s helpful to have some tools available to use when you do find yourself in a situation that creates anxiety or becomes overwhelming.

This short video shares a simple but powerful technique that will help you feel better, and help you handle any stressful situation.

Introduction

There are many ways we can (and do) undervalue ourselves. Some of them may seem quite harmless, but little by little, every time you do it, you chip away at your sense of self-worth, value, self-esteem and confidence.

I see and hear people do it every day, in ways they’re not even aware of, and I still catch myself doing it sometimes, even though I know better!

This article looks at some of the ways we undervalue ourselves and, most importantly, how to stop.

What is Undervaluing, and Why Does it Matter?

In an article on the mindshift.money blog, author Dr. Tony Pennells says “when you undervalue your own merit as a person, you tell yourself - and the world - that you’re unworthy or less than everyone else. And that can wreak havoc not just on your money but on all areas of your life.”

It’s not just about how undervaluing affects you financially, it really has an impact on all areas of your life.

There’s no doubt that when you undervalue yourself, others will too. There is a saying that “we teach people how to treat us,” and it’s very true. We teach people by what we allow and tolerate, as well as how we talk to and about ourselves.

Have you ever heard someone say “I’m useless at that”? Or perhaps when somebody gives them a compliment they might say “oh, it was nothing.” Words like these can slip out of our mouths so easily, and often that’s nothing compared to the kinds of undervaluing thoughts we have that we don’t give voice to.

It’s not just about how others see you, it’s about how you see yourself, how you treat yourself and what you allow into your life.

Undervaluing yourself can cost you in many ways and often you may not even know you’re doing it. For example:

Personally
You may find that people don’t respect you or your time. You find it difficult to set boundaries and so other people take advantage of you or are rude to you. As a result, your confidence and self-esteem are low. The worse and more insecure you feel, the more difficult you find it to enjoy relationships with others - either romantically or socially.

When you value yourself you do set boundaries, you won’t allow someone to be rude to you or take advantage of you. You are confident in your ability to let people know you won’t tolerate being treated poorly.

Professionally
If you want to have a meaningful and fulfilling career and enjoy the highest levels of success, you must learn to value yourself. When you don’t,  you may find yourself being overlooked for promotions, or struggling to promote yourself in your company or in your business.

This can cost you financially as you are not paid what you’re really worth.

Physically
Undervaluing yourself can take its toll physically. When you value yourself you tend to take better care of yourself. Valuing yourself means you want to take care of your body, you want to eat well, to exercise and to feel good.

Mentally
When you don’t value yourself your self-esteem is low. Low self-esteem makes you vulnerable to depression. Those who are successful and fulfilled and who truly enjoy life have a healthy mental outlook. When you don’t value yourself, and others don’t value you, it’s hard to notice or focus on anything that’s positive. Your mind finds it difficult to go there and it stays attached to everything that’s wrong in your life.

Emotionally
I think deep down what everyone really wants is to be happy and enjoy life. Nobody wants to be miserable and unhappy. Undervaluing affects your moods and your ability to allow yourself to experience happiness. Often, when people undervalue themselves they have a deep-seated belief that they don’t deserve to be happy. That’s a belief that will negatively impact all areas of your life.

Relationships
When you begin to really value yourself you will notice a shift and improvement in your relationships and experiences, and very importantly in how you feel.

As with everything, the first step to change is awareness, the second is a willingness to change.

How to Start Valuing Yourself

Awareness
The first and most important step is to become aware of when, where and how you undervalue yourself.

It can be something that’s so deeply ingrained, and that you’re so used to doing that you’re not at all aware of it.

Here are some of the most common ways we undervalue ourselves. Pay attention to which ones apply to you.

Self-Doubt
Do you frequently doubt yourself and your abilities? If you grew up with constant criticism and negative messages then chances are you do often doubt yourself.

I also know people who were pushed to succeed when they were younger and who never quite felt they were capable of accomplishing what their parents wanted them to, consequently they doubt themselves as adults.

For those who had narcissistic parents or who were perceived as being “too sensitive” the criticism and being made to feel that who you are is wrong can be too much to bear.

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent self-doubt will most likely be deeply programmed within you. An article in Psychology Today states that “if raised by a narcissistic parent, an adult child will invariably be fearful that they will grow up to be narcissistic themselves. This makes it difficult to give self credit for fear of being arrogant or behaving like a narcissist.”

No matter where it comes from, doubting yourself and your abilities is a sure sign that you’re undervaluing yourself.

I used to be filled with self-doubt, but when I started working I began to receive very different messages from the ones I had heard growing up. People told me what a great job I did. They told me I was conscientious. I received promotions.

I noticed that my colleagues tended to bring me work to do, rather than giving it to someone else because they felt I did a better job! This led me to start questioning everything I thought I knew (and was told) about myself growing up.

Take Action
To be able to let to go of feelings of self-doubt I recommend two things:

Each time you catch yourself saying “I can’t” do something or doubting your abilities in any way, stop and ask yourself:

• “What if I can do this?”
• “What if I’m really good at this?”
• “What if I’m the best person to do this?

Your mind might resist the idea, but keep asking the question. It’s a good way to quieten the inner critic that tells you that ‘you can’t’, and you may be pleasantly surprised at what you do actually accomplish.

The second thing is to start a list of all the things you’ve accomplished, and all the things you feel good about achieving throughout your life. No matter how small it may seem, add it to the list if it was meaningful to you at the time.

A business coach I was working with once asked me to do this because she wanted to see what types of things I’d done in the past. Not only was she amazed when I produced my list, so was I. There were so many things I’d achieved that I’d forgotten about or not even considered as particularly special at the time, but when I saw the list and looked back on all the things I’d done it helped me to see that there was no more room for self-doubt in my life.

You’ve already accomplished many great things, I know you have. But I bet you’ve forgotten most of them, or never really appreciated them at all. Make that list - I think you’ll find that you’re capable of so much more than you think and you’ll start to see that you don’t need to doubt yourself any more.

Sensitive to the Opinions of Others
When others have the ability to upset you or diminish you in some way, you are definitely undervaluing yourself.

As a recovering people-pleaser I know how difficult this can be. You want to fit in. You want people to like you. You want to feel like you’re doing a good job. But if someone else has the power to upset you by what they say or do - you’ve given them that power.

One of the things that helped me overcome this is the following affirmation/statement from Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of The Four Agreements:

The thing I learned which is so powerful, is that when other people are feeling insecure or in pain themselves, they will often lash out at someone else in an attempt to either help themselves feel better, or to make someone else feel as bad as they do. So it really doesn’t have anything to do with you.

Of course, it’s not nice when you’re the person they are lashing out at, but if you remind yourself that what they are doing/saying/feeling has nothing to do with you, then you don’t have to take it on. You don’t have to let yourself be affected by them.

Take Action
This is not something that changes overnight, but if you start to be aware of when and how this happens, you can start to change it in small ways. Print out this statement by Don Miguel Ruiz and keep it somewhere where you can see it. Read it whenever you feel someone is making you feel bad. Start taking your power back in small ways and it will get easier with time.

This has been a life-changer for me, because I used to be deeply affected by other people’s negative comments and criticism, and it can be life changing for you too.

Fear of Failure or Success
Do you hold yourself back because you’re afraid you might fail? Do you say no to things you’d really like to say yes to?

Nobody likes to fail, and that’s doubly true for you if you happen to be a perfectionist. Any time you attempt something new there’s a possibility that there will be a learning curve and that it may take some time for you to get it right. That’s true for anyone, but if you don’t even try because you’re afraid of failing, that goes back to the self-doubt that we talked about earlier.

Along with fear of failure, there is also fear of success. At first you may wonder why anyone would have a fear of succeeding. Doesn’t everybody want to succeed?

I think that fear of success can be more devastating than fear of failure, because it’s more likely to go undetected. If you find yourself unable to go beyond a certain level without something happening to stop you - almost as if you’re sabotaging yourself - then you may be experiencing fear of success.

It could be that there’s a fear of what will happen once you do achieve the goals you set for yourself. Perhaps you’re really afraid that:

• you’ll lose contact with certain friends
• certain family members will be jealous
• greater success will lead to you being busier than you want to be
• you’ll have to travel more than you want or
• you’ll have less free time to do things you love to do.

Take Action
How do you know that you have one or both of these fears and what do you do about it?

One helpful way I’ve found is to sit quietly, close your eyes, and imagine yourself doing what it is you want to be doing. Imagine yourself reaching the goal you’ve set. Visualize it in as much detail as you can. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?

Next, pay attention to how you feel as you visualize this. Do you feel relaxed and happy? Do you feel energized? That’s great.

Or, do you find it difficult to visualize? Is it hard to imagine yourself accomplishing what you want? If so, it may be that you don’t believe you can do it. You feel it’s not possible, that you’ll fail. It’s possible that you have a fear of failure.

Or, do you notice some stress in your body, some tightness or pain. Do you notice some anxiety as you see yourself reaching your goal? It’s possible that you’re experiencing a fear of success.

I’ve always enjoyed coaching people. I enjoy doing individual coaching and group coaching. A few years ago I had just completed a program to help me establish a full-time coaching practice, but even though I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, things weren’t happening in the way that I wanted or expected. My coaching practice was not growing and I felt frustrated.

So one day I sat down and did this exercise. I visualized myself with a full coaching practice, talking with several clients each day.

As I did this I noticed that there was a tightness in my chest. It was hard for me to breathe. I was experiencing anxiety.

When I took the time to examine what I was feeling and what was behind it, I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted. The idea of being on the phone all day, everyday, with one client after another felt too restrictive to me.

From this exercise I realized that, although I love coaching, I also want to be doing other things - like creating courses, and online programs, writing and doing other creative projects. This was very enlightening for me because I realized the goal I was striving for was not right for me. No wonder I was afraid of succeeding!

So now I have structured my business very differently. I do have coaching clients, but not all day, every day. It’s a much better fit for me and I have the freedom I really wanted.

Another helpful way to identify if fear of failure or success is holding you back is to write about it. Take a notebook and complete the following statements - allow yourself to write without thinking, and write whatever comes to you:

• My biggest fear is that...
• What I’m really afraid of is…
• I’m afraid that if I fail I will….
• I’m afraid that if I fail others will….
• I’m afraid that if I succeed I will….
• I’m afraid that if I succeed others will…

This activity may bring up some key insights for you.

Shame and Feeling Not Good Enough
Renowned shame researcher, Brene Brown, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

The belief that you’re not good enough affects the way you think and feel and everything you do. When you feel there’s something wrong with you then you do experience shame, which certainly links to undervaluing yourself.

This is a deep-seated belief and I’m not going to pretend that there’s a simple way to move beyond it. This article in Psychology Today that explains how a therapist would help someone deal with this. The important thing is to recognize that you feel this way, that you have this belief and that you carry a sense of shame.

Many people who are highly sensitive are all too familiar with these feelings, particularly if they grew up in a family that did not understand them, and where they were made to feel there was something wrong with them.

As a highly sensitive person myself, and as many of my clients are also highly sensitive, I understand first-hand how difficult it is to value yourself when you feel the shame of not being good enough.

Take Action
When you feel this way, it is very important that you find people who are supportive and understand exactly what you’re experiencing. Building a community of encouraging and supportive people is crucial, as is distancing yourself from those who continue to make you feel that you’re not good enough.

Financial Struggle
A study published in the Journal of Economic Psychology shows there is a correlation between self-esteem and how much money people make.

When you don’t recognize your true value and worth, it’s likely you’ll find you’re being paid less than others that perhaps have less ability and experience than you.

If you work for an organization you may not feel confident enough to ask for a raise or a reasonable starting salary. If you work for yourself, you may experience difficulty charging what you’re worth or finding customers who are willing to pay what you’re worth.

If you are struggling financially in any way, it’s likely that you have some unhelpful beliefs about money and what you feel you deserve, which lead you to not value yourself enough.

Here are some common beliefs about money that will cause you to undervalue yourself:

• Money is the root of all evil
• Most rich people probably did something bad or dishonest to get their money
• Money isn’t that important
• I don’t enjoy managing money
• I’m not good at managing money
• Rich people aren’t happy

Take Action
Casey Brown is a Pricing Consultant. In her TED Talk she shares helpful stories and learnings that can help you know your worth, better communicate your value and get paid for your excellence.

I also think it’s helpful to become aware of the beliefs you have about money that may be causing you to undervalue yourself, your skills, talents and abilities and stopping you from asking for (and receiving) what you’re worth.

Here’s a helpful exercise that can uncover those unconscious beliefs about money that cause you to undervalue yourself:

1. Close your eyes and think about your current income and your financial situation.
2. Notice how you feel in your body - is there any tightness, anxiety, pain?
3. Pay attention to what you feel and how you feel
4. Now, imagine that your income has doubled overnight
5. Again, notice how you feel in your body and what thoughts and emotions come up
6. Ask yourself - what is it that I need to learn from what I’m feeling right now?

You may receive some insights right away, or it may take time for them to come. Writing about your experience can help you uncover what’s going on more quickly.

Most importantly, going forward, become aware of any thoughts and feelings you have when it comes to money and receiving what you’re worth - and what you feel you’re worth.

Awareness is the key to change. Once you become aware of the beliefs you have around money and how they contribute to you undervaluing yourself, you will start the process of change.

Comparing
When did you last compare yourself to someone and then had the thought that the person you were comparing yourself to was somehow better than you?

We do it all the time: “That person’s fitter, smarter, taller, thinner, younger, faster, wealthier, more accomplished, etc., than me.”

Whenever you measure yourself against other people, you lose sight of your own value. Instead, it’s much more important to focus on who YOU are, what YOUR skills, gifts and talents are and what YOU want out of life.

It really doesn't matter what someone else does or what they want. We are all different. We all have different abilities and desires. Comparing yourself to others is not helpful and is really a waste of time and energy.

You might compare yourself to someone else and find yourself thinking that you’re somehow better than them and you might think that’s a sign that you do value yourself highly. But I think if you really valued yourself then you wouldn’t feel the need to compare in the first place.

When you compare yourself to others, you’re more likely to feel insecure, envious, and discontented.

Take Action
Again, comparing is something you probably are not even aware you’re doing most of the time. So the key is to bring it into your awareness. For example:

• Did you hear about someone who makes more money than you and feel envious or dissatisfied?
• Do you have a colleague, family member or friend who tends to brag and who makes you feel inferior in some way?
• Do you feel irritated or upset when you see someone driving an expensive car or you hear about someone (like a sports personality) who makes millions?
• Do you find yourself making statements like “I’m not as good at …. as this person” or “I wish I was more like…”?

When you experience feelings of envy, discontent or dissatisfaction in this way, then you are comparing (and undervaluing) yourself.

Here’s an affirmation you will find useful. Any time you become aware that you’re comparing yourself to someone else, repeat this to yourself:

I release the need to compare myself to others. I am good enough just as I am.

Conclusion

I hope you can see that undervaluing yourself is not helpful, it’s not productive and it serves no-one. I hope you are also beginning to see how you may be doing it without even knowing.

You might be thinking that it’s too difficult to change. I’m living proof that it’s not. I grew up thinking I had no value, that I had nothing to offer and I have turned that around completely. I wouldn’t even recognize the person I was back then.

If I can do it I know you can too. It’s one of the greatest joys for me when I work with clients who undervalue themselves and feel they’re not good enough - to see them learn how to fully embrace who they are, become more confident, and own their value and worth.

The first step is always awareness, and a willingness and desire to stop the behavior that is not serving you. Once you know where, when and how you undervalue yourself, you can stop doing it, little by little, until you eventually break free completely.

Once you experience the benefits, you will never want to go back! Commit to taking the first step today.

Are you ready to stop undervaluing yourself but don't know where and how to start? Contact me for a  complimentary15-minute clarity session and I’ll point you in the right direction.

How do you undervalue yourself?

Sometimes you might be aware that you’re doing it, sometimes you might not be aware.

As I’ve looked into this more deeply over the years, I’ve found that there are many ways this undervaluing can happen.

This video shares what’s probably the most common way we undervalue ourselves. I think it’s something we all do at some time or another, and you might be doing it more often than you think!

I hope you enjoy the video and that it encourages you to learn how to stop undervaluing and start valuing yourself a little more each day.

"The Human Design System is a synthesis of ancient and modern sciences, and has proven to be a valuable tool for human understanding.

With Human Design you discover what makes you different from everyone else. It offers profound insights into your psychology, along with strategies and techniques for making correct decisions and ultimately leading to a life of more ease and fulfillment." - Jovian Archive

I have found that it's an incredibly valuable self-awareness tool, helping you understand yourself at much deeper levels so that you can channel your energy in the healthiest and most effective ways.

I recently interviewed Human Design Expert, Nattalee K. Lilliko on Facebook Live - we discussed:

• What is Human Design and how/why is it useful?
• A description of the main types
• We take a look at my Human Design chart and some of the biggest learning for me
• How and where you can learn more
  

I hope you enjoy our conversation as much as I did.

Introduction
Most people don’t know themselves as well as they think they do. This is a problem because the less you really know yourself, the more likely you are to find yourself struggling with difficult people and challenging situations, being manipulated by others and living a life that doesn’t feel satisfying and fulfilling.

If you are committed to your own personal growth, success  and happiness it’s important to be willing to learn as much about yourself as you can.

In this post, along with 2 other self-awareness experts, I’ll share 7 of the best self-awareness tools and activities you can do to dig a little deeper and learn the most important and helpful things about yourself that will empower and enable you to live life on your terms instead of other people’s.

Why is Self-Awareness so Important?
When I (or any other coach) begin working with a client the first step is to find out as much about them as possible. This helps me to know how I can best help them, but it’s also usually very eye-opening for the client as they learn things about themselves they were not aware of. 

Here are a couple of comments from participants of my Inner Mastery program that demonstrate this:

As you can see from these comments, once you are willing to take a deeper look at yourself, things start to change and improve pretty quickly.

I do understand that many people are reluctant to embrace the concept of self-awareness. If you feel this way, it could be because:

• You feel that spending time on self-reflection is selfish - you should be focusing on others
  
• You are afraid of what you will find
  
• You think you already know everything about yourself
  
• It feels like a waste of time when you should be doing more important things
  
• Emotions and feelings are not important
  
  

If you have typically felt this way, I’d like to share another perspective for you to consider.

As human beings we are complex. Most of who you think you are and what you think you want is probably based on what you have learned from others, based on their experiences, beliefs and conditioning.

Part of the journey of self-awareness then is about letting go of what you thought you knew and being open to learning about the real you - not somebody else’s version of you.
 
There are many benefits to really knowing and understanding yourself at the deepest levels, such as:

• You’ll be able to clearly express your desires and be accepted for who you are.
  
• You experience less inner conflict as you learn how to respond to difficult people and situations.
  
• Setting boundaries becomes much easier.
  
• You have the clarity to make better and more informed choices that benefit you.
  
• Your relationships improve as understanding of yourself leads to greater understanding and tolerance of others.
  
• You stop comparing yourself to others - because you don’t need to.
  
• You’re able to bring your uniqueness and natural vitality to everything you do.
  

All of these things enable you to live a richer and more meaningful and fulfilling life.

So where do you start with getting to know yourself more deeply? There are a great many self-awareness tools, activities and assessments that it can easily become overwhelming and difficult to know where to start.

I’ve compiled a list of 7 of my favorites self-awareness tools and activities to help you get started.

Your Values

This is a great place to start. 

Your values are the things that are most important to you. 

They are the core beliefs that motivate you to act in certain ways, focus on and do certain things. 

When your values are not being met, life does not feel fulfilling and it’s difficult to set healthy boundaries.

Your values are guides to decision-making, boundary setting and are the reasons why you set goals. 

Research shows that just thinking or writing about your values can make it more likely that you take healthy actions. 

Knowing and staying connected to your values will also help you to stay motivated, particularly when you’re feeling tired or things are difficult.

Do you know what your top 5 values are? 

You might think you do, but people are often surprised to find they have values that they weren’t even aware of.

One of the easiest ways to find out is to refer to a list of values, like this one from Carnegie Mellon University (add your own if you feel there is something missing). Then narrow it down until you have your top 5.

Don’t think about it too much as you do the exercise. You can always do it again a few days later to make sure you really find the ones that are the best fit for you.

Your Interests

Interests include your passions, hobbies, and anything that holds your attention over a sustained period of time. 

To figure out your interests, it’s helpful to ask yourself these questions: 

• What do you pay attention to? 
• What are you curious about? 
• What concerns you? 
• What do you love to talk about?
• What do you enjoy reading about?
• What’s something that you could spend hours doing and time just seems to fly by?

Many people have built a career around a deep interest in something. 

Although it may not be possible for you to build a career around your interests, it is important that you make time for them. 

Life is much more interesting and enjoyable and you will feel a lot more energized when you allow time for your interests and hobbies.

When you talk to someone about their passion they come alive. It’s like a light shines from within. What is that for you?

Your Temperament and Traits

Learning about your temperament and traits is a way of examining your inborn preferences. For example:

• Do you restore your energy from being alone (introvert) or from being with people (extrovert)? 
  
• Do people tell you you’re “too sensitive?” 
  
• Are you a planner or go-with-the-flow type of person? 
  
• Do you make decisions more on the basis of feelings or thoughts and facts? 
  
• Do you prefer details or big Ideas? 
  

Knowing the answers to questions like these could help you more easily choose situations in which you could flourish and avoid situations which would be more of a struggle for you.

Certain things you’ll already have a good feel for - for example, whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, or whether you prefer details or are a big picture person.

Here are some valuable self-awareness tools to help you discover even more about your temperament and traits:

Sensory Processing

It is estimated that approximately 20% of the population has what is known as “sensory processing sensitivity,” otherwise known as high sensitivity, or HSP (highly sensitive person). 

If you’ve ever been told “you’re too sensitive,” it’s likely that this applies to you.

When you are highly sensitive your brain and nervous systems  are literally “wired” differently from everyone else's. 

Psychologist and researcher, Dr. Elaine Aron, who is the pioneer into research on this trait has written many books on the subject and if you are interested, I highly recommend you start with her first book: The Highly Sensitive Person.

Why is it important to know if you’re highly sensitive?

Like many others, when I read Elaine Aron’s book it was a life-changing experience for me. 

When you’re not like everyone else, and others can’t understand why you think, feel and behave the way you do they tell you there’s something wrong with you - and you end up believing them. 

When you learn that you are highly sensitive, and that it is simply a trait that applies to many other people, then you understand that there is nothing wrong with you. 

You learn as much about the trait as you can and how to use it to your advantage. This is what I and many other HSPs have done. 

You begin to realize that there are many advantages to being highly sensitive and that it’s really a gift, when used in the right way.

To find out if you are highly sensitive, here’s a link to the self-assessment used by Dr. Aron in her book. CLICK HERE

Being a highly sensitive person can be very challenging and overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. There’s a lot you can do to learn how to make the most of your highly sensitive nature and use it to your advantage.

There are many self-awareness assessments that are used by coaches and organizations all over the world. It can be difficult to know which ones to use. 

I asked Dr. Sarah Stebbins, a coach and consultant specializing in change management, which ones she recommends.

Here’s her response:

Meyers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)
This assessment is the ‘gold standard’ among personality assessments. It has been around for over 50 years and has a strong test-re-test reliability. [See note]  

The assessment identifies preferred personality ‘types’ which then can be applied in a variety of ways: leadership development, team building, communication skill development, career development and change management. 
 
It is this versatility that makes it my preferred ‘go to’ assessment with my wide range of coaching clients.  In particular, I have had great success with both the career and leadership development applications. 
 
There are many ‘MBTI knockoffs’ on line and while they may provide some initial insight into personality styles, the MBTI administered by a certified practitioner, really provides all the depth and breadth the instrument has to offer!
 
There are 16 Meyers Briggs personality types. You can read more about them on the Meyers Briggs web site.
 
MBTI can be taken on line. The cost is $50 [paid on-line] 
 
If required, an in-depth interpretation can be facilitated by Sarah for $100 through two virtual coaching sessions via Zoom. It’s also possible to go to a community college career center [when it opens again] to take the assessment and receive assessment feedback (cost unknown). 

[Note: by Jake Beech - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=30859659]

Emotional Intelligence (EI)
Daniel Goleman who developed this assessment once stated that EI is a greater predictor of success than IQ.

I agree with this analysis! This assessment gauges the degree to which people react to typical life situations. 

The purpose of the assessment is building awareness of emotional responses which are all too often exhibited from an unconscious state.  
 
The logic behind the assessment is that once one is aware of one’s emotional triggers and responses to a given situation, one can make a different choice of how to respond in that moment.  

I have found this assessment to be particularly useful for clients who experience interpersonal challenges at work or home. 
 
When you purchase the book (about $27 on Amazon) it comes with an access code you can use to take the test online.
 
If you are new to this kind of work, it is recommended that you work with a Certified Professional Coach, as the assessment could trigger some emotional baggage that a coach or therapist could help you navigate.

About this expert:
Dr. Stebbins is a coach and consultant living in Portland Oregon. Specializing in change management, she is currently writing a book “From Fire to Water: Moving through Change. The Six Steps to Personal Resiliency”, important writing for our time!

Learn more about Dr. Stebbins HERE.

My experience:

Meyers Briggs: I have to admit that it’s a long time since I did the Meyers Briggs test. So long ago that I can’t find the results and can’t remember exactly what type I am! I do remember that I found it helpful though. 

Perhaps it’s time for me to re-visit this test.
There are a number of sites online where you can take the Emotional Intelligence test for free.

Emotional Intelligence: I recently took the test through the Psychology Today web site. It was a long test - taking about 45 minutes to complete.

The results were  about what I expected - I scored fairly high with "some room for improvement." To find the areas of improvement you'd have to pay for the full report, but I found taking the test itself to be interesting and thought-provoking.

The Enneagram
One of my personal favorite self-assessments is The Enneagram.

The Enneagram is a powerful tool for helping us understand ourselves and others more deeply.

Although it can appear to be very complicated at first, and you certainly will probably identify a little with all of the 9 types, experts at the Enneagram Institute say that “everyone emerges from childhood with one of the nine types dominating their personality…”

You can take a free Enneagram test to determine your particular type HERE. 

You can read more about each of the 9 individual types on the Enneagram Institute web site. 

I have found this test to be particularly helpful in learning more about myself and I encourage my clients to take it. Not only does it help them learn about themselves, it helps me know how to help them most effectively.

Here’s an example of how understanding the Enneagram has helped me personally: I am a Two on the Enneagram - the Helper. Those with the Helper personality experience a compulsive need to help anybody and everybody. This can be good, but often is not healthy.

Here are some of the ways iit might not be so good - if you are an Enneagram number Two you may relate:

• Helping others when they haven’t asked for help
  
• Trying to fix things for other people
  
• Helping others at the expense of yourself
  
• Being so focused on others that you have no sense of yourself and your needs
  
• Believing that you’ll receive love by helping others
  
• Being perceived and treated as a ‘doormat’ by others 
  
• Never being able to ask for help or allowing others to help you
  
• Wearing yourself out by focusing on other people’s needs instead of your own
  
• Believing that whatever you do is never enough
  
• Believing that you are not (and can never be) good enough
  

Understanding this has been incredibly helpful for me as I’ve worked to turn these things around and become a healthy version of the Two personality. 

I remember one time I was talking to a friend and she asked if I could recommend a book on a subject that would be helpful for her business. 

I then ‘observed’ myself giving her the names of several books, but then I went on to share many other ‘helpful’ resources. Even though I knew I was doing it and I was giving her things she had not asked for I couldn’t seem to stop. 

Afterwards I wrote to her to apologize because I knew I had completely overwhelmed her.

That, and other similar experiences helped me move from unhealthy to a much healthier version of the helper personality. 

I still help people - that’s just who I am, but it comes from a place of strength rather than weakness.

The Enneagram helped me understand my innate nature much more clearly and learn how to change it. 

This is the tool that helped me transform from a chronic people-pleaser to learning how to challenge myself and others to be the best we can be. It helped me learn that I didn’t need to take things personally, which was life-changing.

Obviously you can go into a lot more detail because we are all so multifaceted and have aspects of all types within us. 

I think that learning about your basic type can be extremely helpful even if you don’t want to dig deeper than that.

Human Design

This is another of my favorites, but it is typically not as well known and can be very complicated when you are new to it. I asked  Human Design expert Nattalee K. Lillico if she would explain it: Here’s her response:

“Awareness is the greatest agent for change.”

~ Eckert Tolle

Today, more than ever, we need to know who we are at our core, what makes us tick, and how we can amplify our natural talents and gifts. 
 
Since 1997 people have been finding self-awareness through a pearl of ancient wisdom called Human Design. Other personality or skill set assessments like the Myers-Briggs are based on how we see ourselves. Human Design is a synthesis of modern science and ancient wisdom like Astrology, and the I Ching, giving profound insights to our true nature. 
 
Each human has a unique energy signature, which we can discover with our birth information. 
 
Why Human Design?
Our modern world is speeding up. Yes!?  With speed comes the potential for additional stress, even burnout. Human Design delivers intelligence to navigate life’s challenges so we can connect with the correct people and projects. 
 
Where do I start?
The first step to unlocking your human potential is to know your Type.
 
There are four primary Design Types, each with variations. No one type is better than another; each has its strengths, needs, and unique purpose. 
 
The second step is to know your strategy to optimize your unique energy Type. 
 
Knowing your Type and experimenting with the suggested strategies provides a framework to allow your true nature to emerge organically.
 
Next is understanding how to make the best decisions about who and what is a good match for you. 
 
The fourth step is beyond understanding your potential but to practice it to obtain results.
 
For example, “Kathy” often felt pulled by other people’s wishes and demands. As a prominent leader in her community, her friends and colleagues frequently asked her to endorse or help them with their projects. 
 
After learning about her Human Design strategies, she practiced them with each invitation and request. What she discovered was that she had agreed to other’s wishes based on what she thought she “should” do or felt obligated to do. 
 
“Kathy” found a new sense of freedom, additional creative energy for her projects, increased income, and more explicit partnership agreements. 
 
Suggested Resources
You can obtain your free chart and beginners’ guide at the Human Design main website, Jovian Archive.
Recommend reading and study guide: The Definitive Book of Human Design, The Science of Differentiation by Ra Uru Hu. Inside you’ll read about the origin of the system, as well as a follow along description for each of the main aspects of your chart.

About this expert
Nattalee K Lillico is a certified Life Purpose Coach (ICF), IHDS Human Design Certified Analyst & Teacher, and the only recognized Genius Report Trainer in the United States.

Her Human Design journey began in 1999. In private practice since 2006, her intuitive insights and robust coaching techniques have created breakthroughs and desired results for hundreds of clients.  

You can learn more about Nattalee on her YouTube Channel.

My experience: I have to say that Human Design is one of the tools that has helped me the most. It is very in-depth and can help you identify and change behaviors that are not serving you.

One of the ways it helped me was in learning to manage my creative energy. I am enthusiastic about many things and that didn’t always serve me as I would find myself putting my energy into things that weren’t necessarily a good fit. Only I didn’t find out until I was deeply immersed in whatever it was.

Understanding this about myself I learned that one of the most important things for me to do was to pause and step back before taking on anything new. 

This was not easy for me to learn. But it was one of the most valuable lessons and my life is so much better because of it. I no longer waste my energy on things that aren’t right for me, which enables me to put all my energy into things that are in alignment with who I am and what I want.

Summary
This is a small sampling of self-awareness tools that are available. 

Each of them will give you valuable information about yourself which you can then use to improve your life experiences.

Commit to exploring at least one of these tools in more detail and to learning more about yourself.

Self-awareness is empowering. If you want to change anything, you start by knowing yourself.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” - Aristotle

For more empowering energy tips to help you go from Stuck to Unstoppable, sign up for our weekly newsletter by clicking the button below.

He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened." - Lao Tzu

In this video I'm sharing 3 aspects of self-knowledge that will help you make more beneficial decisions, set healthy boundaries, and experience greater fulfillment.

I'll share information about:

• Your values - that help you make decisions and set boundaries
  
• Your interests - that energize you
• Your temperament and traits - that make you who you are.

These things are important because going against the grain of your own personality is exhausting and destroys your happiness and well-being.

Enjoy!

"You learn who you are by unlearning who they taught you to be." - Nikki Rowe

What is self-care? When we think of self-care, we usually think of doing things like taking time for ourselves, taking a hot bath, having a massage, etc., But there’s a lot more to it than that, and I was inspired to write this tip by a quote I saw recently:

“Self-care is also not arguing with people who are committed to misunderstanding you.” – Ayishat A. Akanbi

This reminded me that there is so much more to self-care. Last week I talked about knowing when to withdraw your energy from a situation or person – that is an act of self-care. Here are some other examples:

• Knowing what is important to you and not settling for anything less
  
• De-cluttering and organizing your living and working spaces so the energy feels good and the environments can support you
• Making time to do the things you really want to do, and not putting them off
• Saying no when you want to say no
• Saying yes to the things you want to say yes to
• Releasing people, situations, objects and thoughts that do not support you and do not feel good
• Learning how to turn your inner critic into your inner coach
  
• Giving yourself permission to receive the best in life
• Recognizing your true worth and value
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Learning to love and appreciate yourself and your body
• Asking for help when you need it and allowing yourself to receive it

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea. You have an opportunity to practice self-care every day, all the time.

Action Step: Take one item from this list and commit to incorporating it into your life for the next week, and see how it feels.

Which one can you start doing now? What else can you add to this list?

Let this affirmation support you on your journey:

I am now willing to make self-care my highest priority and allow more of what feels good into my life. I deserve it and I am worth it.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

Know when to withdraw your energy – You know what it’s like when you’re trying to explain something to someone and they refuse to believe you? Or when you want to help someone feel better, but they reject every suggestion you make? Really, any situation where you feel like you’re hitting your head against a brick wall and the harder you try to make the other person (or people) understand, the worse it gets?

I had a situation once where a person accused me of doing something that I did not do – in fact I would not do, but they told everyone that I did. The more I tried to explain to anyone that I didn’t in fact do what I was being accused of, the worse the situation became.

These are all situations where the best thing you can do is to withdraw your energy. This isn’t giving up, not at all. Rather it’s a recognition that you are wasting your energy in a futile attempt to make others understand something. The more energy you put into it, the more you feed their position. They become more entrenched and you become more depleted.

It can be really hard to withdraw energy like this, but in my situation I recognized that it was the only thing I could do. Once I did, the whole thing went away.

Another time I realized that I was putting a lot of energy into trying to help someone, who was complaining to me about a situation. I realized that she really didn’t want to be helped, she just wanted to complain. So I withdrew my energy, just listened and didn’t let myself get hooked into a discussion about her complaint. Once she realized I wasn’t going to get hooked, she moved onto something else.

You can easily become depleted by investing energy into something (or someone) that’s not going to change. The trick is to recognize it and know when to withdraw energy. You don’t necessarily have to withdraw yourself, only your energy.

Action Step: Think of a situation or a person that’s frustrating you right now. Consider withdrawing your energy (which includes your thoughts about it) and focusing on something else instead. Notice how you feel and how the situation changes as a result.

The following affirmation will help:

I release the need to invest my energy in people, things and situations that don’t serve me.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda

The art of being yourself – it sounds strange to think that there should be an art to being yourself, but really there is. Because there is so much pressure on us, from all sorts of people and places, for us to be someone or something else.

You may become afraid of making mistakes because of what people will think of you. You may put your wants and desires on hold to please other people.  Perhaps you’ve been led to believe there’s something wrong with you because you are different from the majority of other people – if you’re highly sensitive and/or empathic this is highly likely.

It is no exaggeration to say that I used to have absolutely no confidence and no self-esteem. People were often telling me I was “too sensitive,” or that I thought too much, or that I should behave like others. So much so that I had to shut myself down as I was growing up, because I didn’t fit in with other people’s expectations of me.

I’ve learned a lot and come a long way since then. The most important thing I’ve learned is that not only is it okay to be myself, it’s essential. I can’t be anything or anyone else. And neither can you. You can only be you.

The problem is, when you’ve spent most of your life believing that it’s not okay to be who you really are, you may have lost touch with what that means. I think it’s time to change that. If you think so too, here is a starting point:

Action Step: Make a list of the values that are most important to you, such as: health, freedom, security, wealth, creativity, achievement, family, spirituality, honesty. Once you have a list, identify the top 5 and then ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest) how present each of these is in your life right now.

For example, if freedom is extremely important to you, how much freedom do you feel you have? Do you feel free to be yourself or are you trying to fit in with everyone else?

For anything that’s less than a 10, think about what it would take/what you could do, to increase the number even a little bit.

Use this affirmation:
I am now willing to fully embrace my uniqueness and I release the need to be who others think I should be.

Be Unstoppable!

Linda
P.S. I’m pleased to announce that registration is now open for my Master Class: The Confident and Liberated HSP: How HSPs Can Thrive Professionally and Personally, Without Compromise. Click the button below for details and registration. My gift to you is $20 off the normal registration price of $47 – use coupon code WEBINAR when you check out.

I want HSPs to feel good about themselves and for high sensitivity to be recognized for what it is - a trait – just like being an introvert or extrovert. It’s time that we stopped holding ourselves back simply because others don’t understand. If you know someone who is an HSP, make sure they attend this master class.

Do you ever feel that you are being controlled by your emotions? Perhaps you even experience extreme mood swings? One moment you can be so motivated, happy and feeling amazing and the next moment you feel angry, frustrated or overwhelmed. Sometimes the intensity of the emotional force you feel can be so strong that you feel powerless to do anything about it and it overtakes you, until everything in your life is negatively impacted.

We are driven daily by our emotions and they are an important influence on our physical health. When you learn how to manage your emotions, it helps you to lead healthier life. Most importantly, you can also use the difficult and painful emotions as stepping stones to propel you to greater levels of success.

What would it feel like to master your emotions so you know that no person or situation can take your power away. You can learn how to stop giving your power away to others.

For example, why is it that some people seem to get under your skin & you can’t stop thinking about what they said or what they did?  Your encounter with them goes round and round in your mind - perhaps you even run through various conversations with them in your head. Even when you want to stop, you can’t. It’s like they’ve taken up residence inside your head and it can drive you crazy.

What if you had a way to take that situation and use it to gain new insights about yourself?  You can learn to release whatever emotions have been stirred up and feel at peace with the outcome? No more conversations rolling round in your head. No more wishing you’d said this or that or wondering why this happened in the first place.

With practice you can learn to get your emotions under control quickly and move on much faster. Here are six steps that will help you do just that:

1. Name it – you’ll want to identify what has been triggered in you by the person or situation. What is the dominant emotion? For example, is it anger, disappointment, frustration or something else? As Dr. Phil says, “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
   
   
2. Vent – you’ll see that steps 2 and 3 are actually connected, but I like to list them as separate steps because I think it’s more effective that way. Once you’ve identified the emotion let yourself vent. It’s good to do this by writing it out, but you can also do it in your head. Think or write about exactly what happened and how you feel. We often believe that it’s not good to think ‘negative’ thoughts, and so when you feel a painful emotion you may think that you have to keep all your thoughts and feelings locked up and not let them out. Here, you have permission to let them out. When you keep them locked up, they will continue to affect you long after the situation has passed, so be as specific as you can.
   
   
3. Feel it – as you’re thinking about how you feel or writing about it, really allow yourself to feel the emotion. Notice where you feel it most in your body. Again, this may be something you’ve been afraid to do in the past because you feel that this is giving in to the emotion and if you do so you won’t be able to let it go. The opposite is actually true. It’s only by allowing yourself to go through it that you can come out on the other side of it. So put your attention on the emotion and where you feel it. Notice everything you can about it.
   
   
4. Be curious – ask yourself what this feeling/emotion is telling you. What has really been triggered? You may find that something from your past comes to mind. Or you might find that it’s a belief or fear that you had that you thought you’d already worked through. Don’t judge what comes to you as you ask this question, and don’t be harsh with yourself as you ask it. Ask with curiosity. There is always something to learn from any situation. You are experiencing it and feeling what you’re feeling for a reason. When you learn whatever you need from the situation, then you won’t need the situation any more. You’ll find it’s no longer an issue for you and you can move on.
   
   
5. Move on – ask yourself - what is one thing I can do to move forward? What is the most loving thing I can do for myself in this situation? You might feel as though you have no idea what to do about your situation. You might feel that you are powerless. But you really do have the answers you need inside you. Once you work through and release the overwhelming emotions that you’re feeling, you allow clarity to come to you. It’s then that the answers you need can come – so ask the question, take care of yourself and allow the answers to come in whatever way they can. Perhaps you’ll think of an idea, or perhaps you’ll read, or hear or see something that points the way, or perhaps someone will come into your life who can help you.
   
   
6. Raise your vibration - “Your vibration is a way of describing your overall state of being. Everything in the Universe is made up of energy vibrating at different frequencies. Even things that look solid are made of vibrational energy fields at the quantum level. This includes you.” (Cassandra Sturdy).
   
   When your vibration is low, you will not feel good, you may feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, etc., and everything will seem difficult or impossible. The worse you feel, the lower your vibration and, since we attract things of the same vibration, you will continue to attract more things to feel stressed about.
   
   So it’s important to raise your vibration, not only so you feel better, but also because doing so will bring you clarity, ideas, resources, and more things to feel good about.
   
   Most simply, you will raise your vibration any time you do or think about something that makes you feel good. For example, you might think about a loved one, or a pet and that may immediately make you feel good. You could listen to some uplifting music or go for a walk in nature. You might take a relaxing hot bath, or go for a massage or receive energy work. Focusing on things that you appreciate and are grateful for also helps to raise your vibration.

Summary
These six steps will help you take any situation and any overpowering emotion. Instead of letting it take you over, you’ll be able to use it to empower yourself and feel stronger. By squarely facing the difficult emotion or situation, you take away its power and re-claim your own. Instead of avoiding it, you face it and move through it. Once you’ve moved through it, you can focus on ways to raise your vibration by finding things to feel good about.

This is how you successfully navigate through difficult and painful emotions and become Unstoppable.

Linda
P.S. I've created a short (10 minute) video that walks you through each of these 6-steps - what I call my Emotional Relief Technique. With practice, this is something you can use any time, anywhere, to help you move through any overwhelming emotion so it doesn't continue to affect you. If you'd like to access the video, just click on the button below.