I was brought up to believe that I had to be helpful, nice and polite. There’s nothing wrong with this, except what I wasn’t taught is that some people will abuse that. I didn’t know then that you could be helpful and nice without allowing people to manipulate you or pull you into their dramas.

I have since learned that if you want someone to respect you and treat you well, you have to be able to set boundaries. Just because someone wants or expects you to do something or be a certain way, that doesn’t mean you have to do it - and you need to be able to make it clear to people that’s not okay, and you can do that in a positive way.

Over the years I’ve learned a lot about the need for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, and I’ve been able to help many clients benefit from the setting of boundaries. It’s healthy, a sign of respect for yourself, and it actually improves all relationships.

In this article I’ll share 10 of the strategies that I’ve found to be important, and helpful when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and being able to live a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill that can be learned, and needs to be learned. These strategies will help.

• Know what you want
  It’s impossible to set good boundaries if you don’t know what’s important to you. Knowing what you want and knowing your values are critical. A good place to start is by knowing what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Those feelings help you identify what your limits are.
  
  For instance, if being on time is particularly important to you and you notice that you feel resentful if someone is habitually late or wastes your time, then you’ll want to think of what boundaries you can set with those who tend to waste your time.
  
  As an example, this is something that’s important to me, so whenever I facilitate an event, I always let people know that I will start and end on time - out of respect for their time and mine. If someone arrives late, that’s not a problem, but I will not hold everything up to wait.
  
  
• Take responsibility for yourself
  So often we expect others, particularly those who are closest to us, to know what we need. You may be very intuitive and have a good sense of what others need, but don’t expect others to reciprocate and know what’s important to you and to know what you need.
  
  If you assume people know and it should be obvious to them, you will frequently be disappointed. They don’t know, so it’s up to you to tell them. I have found that people appreciate this because they don’t want to have to guess and feel your frustration or resentment if they get it wrong.
  
  
• Pay attention to how you feel
  Your feelings are messages and can tell you when something is happening that is not acceptable to you. When a boundary is crossed, you feel discomfort and resentment.
  
  Ask yourself what it is about what’s happening that’s bothering you. Resentment, for example, usually comes from feeling that you’re being taken advantage of or not appreciated. Or perhaps someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values onto you.
  
  Once you identify how you feel and what’s causing it, then you can ask yourself what you’d like to see happen instead. What would have to change in order for you to feel better?
  

• Respect yourself
  If you are feeling disrespected or unappreciated by others, you must look to see whether you are respecting and appreciating yourself.
  
  Other people will not respect you until you respect yourself. Setting boundaries is a sign that you do respect yourself and others will treat you more respectfully too.
  
  People tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves, and the way we teach them. If you habitually let someone take advantage of you or mistreat you, they will continue to do so - until you decide that you respect yourself enough to not allow it anymore.
  
  
• Be firm and direct
  Once you’ve decided what’s important to you and what boundary you want to set, you must let people know about it. You don’t have to be aggressive about it, you can state it simply in a clear and assertive way.
  
  People are often afraid of how people will react when they begin to set boundaries, and it is possible that some people will not be happy about it at first, particularly if they are used to you always doing whatever they want.
  
  You cannot control how someone will respond, just know that you are not responsible for how someone reacts, you just have to do what is right for you.
  

• Give yourself permission
  It’s okay for you to want what you want. It’s okay for you to ask for other people to respect that.
  
  You may find it difficult to set boundaries because you’re afraid of the other person’s response, you’re afraid of upsetting them or how they’ll react. All you can do is deliver your message in a positive way. You cannot control how someone else will respond.
  
  You can start with small things, and you’ll find that the more you do it, the easier it gets. Sometimes it’s all about giving yourself permission to start.
  
  
• Learn to say ‘no’
  If you are a people-pleaser,  you will often put yourself at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. You don't want to be selfish, so you put your personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to your well-being.
  
  Keep in mind that you are not helping anyone, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.
  
  I used to be afraid to say no to people, but when I started to do it, and realized that I could do it in a positive but firm way, such as by saying something like: “that doesn’t work for me,” or “I have other commitments right now,” I was surprised at how little reaction there was. People just say “ok,” and that is that.
  
  You don’t need to explain or justify why you’re saying no - you just have to learn how to say it (and mean it). I know that whenever I have said ‘no’ to someone and then I let them talk me into doing it anyway I have always ended up regretting it.
  
  
• Trust yourself
  You are the only authority on you. You know yourself best. Only you know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make those decisions for you.
  
  Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to trust and respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others.
  
  Often other people may want to tell you how you should feel, what you should think or do, and you have the opportunity to let them control you or not. When you defer to what others think you should do, rather than trusting yourself you lose yourself and give your power away.
  
  Pay attention to how you feel, and to what feels right for you and learn to trust that.
  
  
• Make self-care a priority
  Putting yourself first gives you more energy, peace of mind and a more positive outlook, so that you can be more present with others and be there for them. Self-care is something that not only benefits you, it benefits everybody around you and so it will improve your relationships.  
  
  When you make self-care a priority, setting boundaries becomes much easier. You’ll want to do it because it feels like the best and right thing to do.
  

• Get the support you need
  Setting boundaries takes courage, and practice and you will benefit from allowing yourself to receive support.
  
  When you’re having a difficult time, don’t be afraid to talk it through with somebody who will understand and offer support.  Somebody else may have been through a similar situation and may have some good advice.
  

Boundaries are natural and they are important. We all need to have them. They help you have healthier relationships, they help you take care of yourself and respect yourself, as well as others.

The steps outlined in this article will help you set boundaries so that you value yourself more and as a result you’ll have more positive experiences and relationships.

Make a commitment to take the steps you need to set and keep personal boundaries.

If you’d like to gain inspiration and support for setting healthy boundaries and learning to value yourself more, join me for one of my weekly online Value Me roundtable discussions. It’s free to attend, but registration is required.

The pandemic has forced most of us to spend more time at home, and many are even working from home. For some this has been a positive experience, and for others it’s been very difficult.

One major reason it can be challenging is when your home becomes cluttered. If it wasn’t an issue for you before, it may be now that you’ve been spending more time at home, and if clutter was an issue for you before, it may have become worse.

Once clutter begins to take hold, it can be very difficult to get it under control and it easily becomes overwhelming, causing you to feel stressed.

In order to really master clutter, it’s important to understand that it’s not just about the ‘stuff,’ there’s a lot more to it. When you look at it energetically, it becomes easier to master.

In this article I’ll share what clutter is, how it affects you, and I’ll share some strategies for regaining control.

Many professional women spend so much time working, and taking care of the family that there isn’t enough time left to take care of the home in the way they’d like. Before they know it, one or more areas of their home have become overwhelmed with clutter. They try to keep on top of it, but there are so many other things to do that they reach the point where it gets out of hand.

It can be quite a dilemma because you don’t have the time, energy or motivation to be able to deal with it. Follow these tips to help you regain control:


Understand what clutter you have: we don’t always recognize what clutter is. It’s so much more than piles of stuff. Here are some examples:

• Anything you don’t need, use, want or love
  
• Things you do want and use that are untidy or disorganized
• Too many things for the size of the space
• Anything that is broken or unfinished
• Things that you’re holding onto “just in case”
• Things that you don’t really want but are holding onto out of guilt (such as an unwanted gift from a close family member, or things that belonged to a loved one who has passed away)

Understanding what type of clutter you have is the first step to eliminating it for good.

Know how your clutter affects you: Something that people don’t often realize is that everything has energy, including your stuff. This means that it is connected to you energetically, which is why it can cause you to feel more and more tired and lethargic and unable to deal with it. Clutter affects your overall health and well-being in many ways.

Things that hold negative memories and associations for you continue to affect you deeply when you have them in your home. The more you have, where it’s located and the longer it’s been there can all add to the stress. Clutter can keep you stuck in the past and create confusion and disorganization in your life.

Understanding your clutter helps you to see why it becomes so overwhelming. You have memories and associations tied up in everything you own. You are connected to it emotionally and energetically. This can make it very difficult to let go of things, even if you don’t need, use, want or love them or if they evoke negative memories. They keep you stuck.

Everything is energy, and when you have a better understanding of the effects that your possessions have on you, it can give you the motivation that you need to take control.

Here’s an example - let’s say you go on vacation and you bring back a memento from that trip, every time you see it then it will remind you of what a great time you had. It will bring back memories of the trip, where you went, who you were with, what you did, and how you felt. This will move your energy to a high vibration.

Now, think of something you have in your home that reminds you of a difficult time in your life. Perhaps of someone who treated you badly, or a time of struggle. Every time you see that item it will trigger those memories and move your energy to a lower vibration.

When you think of it like that, what would you rather be surrounded by – things that have good associations or negative ones?

As you look around at the things you are keeping, consider that the more ‘unhappy’ things you have and the longer you have been keeping them, that is lowering your energy vibration on a daily basis.

Why We Accumulate Clutter

There are many reasons why we hold onto things that we really don’t need, use, want or love, such as:

• Just in case – you might need it someday
  
• Holding on to the past - how things used to be and how you used to be
• It was expensive
• You’d feel guilty letting it go
• You used to love it and use it
• You intend to do something with it, but haven’t been able to get around to it yet (how long has it been?)
• It’s hidden away, so you don’t see it and forget you have it

As with everything, awareness is key. Once you become aware of the energy of things, the memories, associations and emotions that are tied up with them, and how those things affect your energy, it’s difficult to ignore the situation.

Change is happening constantly. People and situations come into our lives and move out. There is an ebb and flow to life – and so there should be with our ‘stuff’ as well.

There are times when things are useful and times when they’re not and it’s essential to be able to let them go, otherwise you are holding onto energy that is not a good fit for you anymore and it will keep you stuck.

How Clutter Affects You

Clutter affects us in different ways, and it affects some people more than others. The more sensitive you are to energy, the more it affects you.

Here are a few of the ways that clutter and disorganization can affect you:

• Low energy – clutter makes you feel tired, and lethargic. The more you have, the more overwhelming it is and the less you feel able to deal with it. This is why people say they feel more energized after they’ve had a good spring cleaning session.
  
  
• Keeps you stuck in the past – as an example, I’ve worked with many people who were ready to move on from unhappy relationships or family situations but seemed unable to do so. In each case, we discovered they were holding onto items that had very unhappy memories and associations for them from those relationships. They were able to move on only when they were able to let go of those items that were keeping them stuck.
  
  
• Congestion – when you have clutter, not only is your home congested, your own energy is congested too. Because you are connected to your home energetically.
  
  
• Lack of self-care – as well as an energetic connection, there is also a large emotional connection that you have with many of your possessions. Clutter represents some dissatisfaction with yourself and/or your life. When you look after your environment, you are also more likely to look after yourself.
  
  
• Confusion/disorganization – have you ever been unable to find something you know you have? Or have you purchased something that you already have and forgot you had? I worked with someone once who had 4 copies of the same book – she just didn’t know she’d already bought it before (and she hadn’t read it yet)! The more clutter you have, the less clarity you have, and you waste time searching for lost things, or money buying things you already have.
  
  
• Affects how people treat you – people tend to treat you the way you treat yourself, which means that you can attract people who mistreat you or at the very least don’t respect you. Sorting out clutter can improve your relationships.
  
  
• Procrastination – things you put off attending to in your home represent things you are putting off in your life.
  
  
• Disharmony – clutter is often a major cause of arguments within a household. It can also distract you from what’s really important.
  

These are just some of the ways clutter has an impact.

Remember that your possessions are not only alive with energy, they are also alive with your memories and associations, and so you want to make sure that you surround yourself with things that you love, need, use and want.

Eliminating clutter is difficult when you think it’s only about the stuff. Understanding what you have, how it’s affecting you, and why you’re keeping it helps you regain control. It gets worse when you don’t address the core of the problem – such as why you’re holding onto things from the past or why you’re holding onto things that have negative associations for you. Keeping these things only keeps you stuck in the past and maintains an attachment to negative situations or people.

Understanding the clutter is the first step to eliminating it. When you know what you’re keeping and why, it’s easier to let go of it.

When you’re ready, here are some strategies that can help you see real progress quickly.

First, it’s helpful to prepare some boxes and label them. One is for things you want to throw away, one is for things you want to donate, another for anything you want to sell, and then there’s what you want to keep.

Once you have your boxes, choose one area that you want to focus on (such as a room, a closet or drawer, the garage, etc.) Schedule some time, such as 1 or 2 hours, and remove everything from that room or space.

Once everything is out of the room, cupboard or closet, then you start sorting. You put things into the various containers and the things you want to keep go to one side.

Once you’ve sorted, you start putting back the things that you want to keep – but you must make sure that you have a place for each item. The only things you put back are the things you want to keep, nothing else.

The reason for doing it this way is that it’s very difficult to sort through things when you’re in the room or space you’re sorting. That’s why it’s helpful to take everything out – then you can really sort properly.

When I do this I like to play some upbeat music, which really helps me make progress.

This method can feel very overwhelming for some people. If we’re talking about a large area, such as a basement or garage, you might want to divide it up into areas and tackle one area at a time.

If this does feel too overwhelming to you, then you can simply set a timer for a small amount of time that feels good and manageable to you. It could be 5 minutes, or it could be 30 minutes, or one hour. Whatever amount of time it is for you, you’ll want to do this regularly. So, for example, it might be 10 minutes every day. Or 1 hour every other day. Or It could be 3 hours every Friday.

Whatever it is, you need to set a schedule and stick to it. This may not seem like very much, but you’d be amazed at how you can accomplish this way. The key is frequency and consistency, and making the amount of time manageable and not overwhelming.

You could set yourself a challenge to do 10 minutes every day for 1 month. That adds up over time. At the end of 30 days that would be 5 hours! You can accomplish a lot in 5 hours.

If you’re like most people, I think you’ll find that once you get started you will want to keep going after the timer goes off. I wouldn’t recommend doing that the first few times you try it, but later on you can if you want to.

If even that doesn’t seem doable, then simply throw out one thing every day. Even that expands over time, until you find that you’re beginning to make real progress. Start somewhere. It doesn’t matter how small, just do something, and do it frequently. The energy will soon build.

Start with the most simple things - ones that you are not tied to emotionally. When you have a lot of emotion tied up in things (such as things from a deceased loved one) that can make it more difficult to let go, so start with something easier until you feel you’re making progress.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you find that you just can’t get started. Ask a friend or family member to help you, or hire a professional organizer. There is no shame in asking for help. What’s worse is not asking and continuing to feel stressed and overwhelmed by all the clutter.

When you remove things from your home that are no longer necessary or appropriate in your life, you gain clarity. You let go of the past when you let go of things that no longer serve you. You open the way for new opportunities to come to you in life, and allow your life to flow by removing obstructions.

When you declutter and organize your home, think of it as clearing out old, stagnant energy and allowing new, positive energy to enter.

Despite the fact that we know how important it is to remove clutter, it can be painfully difficult to part with our possessions - even the ones that have been stuffed in a box in the corner of a closet for the last year or more.

To help you, here are some questions you can ask yourself as you assess what to release and what to keep:

• Do I use it?
  
• Do I need it?
  
• Does it bring me joy?
• If I lost it, would I seek an exact replica to replace it?
• Does it remind me of happy memories or create positive emotions when I'm near it?
• Would I take it with me if I moved to a new home?
• Will it create pleasure or be useful to my heirs (and if I think it will, am I sure they really want it)?

One final note: If it's broken or irreparably damaged, then throw it out.

By clearing your home's clutter, you can create a more open environment to welcome positive energy that will result in a better life for you and everyone under your roof.

It doesn’t really matter what strategy you use - learning to think about clutter energetically, what you’re keeping, why you’re keeping it, and how it affects you - can help you find the energy and motivation to overcome the clutter in your home.

If you’d like to learn more about how to balance the energy of your home for greater success and harmony, take the online Feng Shui Success course. It gives simple, practical tips for making the energy of your home support you, instead of sabotaging you. Use coupon code fss50 at checkout for $50 off the enrollment price.

Do you have clutter because you feel overwhelmed? Or are you overwhelmed because you have clutter? Or is it a bit of both?

Clutter can easily sneak up on you and before you know it, it's become a problem.

On a recent Facebook Live chat, Clutter Clearing Coach, Conny Graf and I discussed the impact of clutter and overwhelm. You can watch it here.

We all feel some stress in our lives. Some people have more than others, and what’s stressful to one person may not feel stressful to someone else.

It’s unrealistic to believe that you should feel positive and happy 100% of the time and that nothing will make you feel stressed or anxious.

In fact, studies show that there are benefits to stress. It forces us to grow, to step outside our comfort zone and connect with each other for support.  

In fact, we can actually use stress to our advantage. I like to think of being able to use stressful situations as stepping stones to something better, to growth.

Instead of resisting stressful situations, and seeing them only as ‘bad,’ we can ask ourselves how we can turn them around and use them to our benefit.

It’s all about how you react or respond to a situation.

Here are some strategies for managing stress when it shows up for you. They will help you to feel in control, rather than feeling like a victim.

• Identify the source
  What, in particular, is causing you stress in this moment? Is it your job? Is it your boss? Is it your relationship with your spouse, children or a family member? Is it a health issue? The first step to changing anything is always clarity - become clear on exactly what you are feeling stressed about and why, because you can’t change it until you acknowledge it. Also, be aware that what you think is the problem is not always the problem!
  
  
• Stop fighting what is
  Stress is created when we resist what is happening. We say things like “this shouldn’t be happening to me,” or “this isn’t fair.” The reality is that it is happening. The sooner you acknowledge that fact, the sooner you will be able to change it. When you keep fighting something because it shouldn’t be happening or it isn’t fair, you will stay stuck in it much longer.
  
  
• Know what you can do now
  Your situation may not change overnight, but there is always at least one thing you can do right now. Perhaps that one thing is simply to get clear on what you want to happen. Or perhaps it’s to identify who can assist you and reach out to them for help. It may feel as though there’s nothing you can possibly do, but there is always something. Ask yourself – “what is one thing I can do right now that will help?”
  

• Monitor your thoughts and re-frame
  There’s a quote from author Eckhart Tolle that says: “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.”
  
  Your thoughts about what’s happening in your life create stress and can take you into a downward spiral of negativity. Be aware of what you are thinking and, as much as possible re-frame negative thoughts, turning them into something that feels better.
  
  It’s not always easy to change your thoughts – you can’t tell yourself everything is fine when it doesn’t feel fine and believe it. Here’s one way that I’ve found helpful. Say to yourself: “Even though….. is happening, I choose to find a positive solution,” or you can say “I choose to find a way to feel better about it.” Play around with this until you find something that works for you.
  
  
• Pay attention to repeating patterns
  If a situation continues to repeat itself, for example, you leave your job because of a difficult boss, only to find that in you next job you once again encounter a difficult boss or supervisor, then there is a message here for you. There’s a reason you keep having the same experiences over and over. Ask yourself what you need to learn from this situation so it doesn’t have to happen again.
  
  
• Take time out
  Sometimes you just need some time away mentally, emotionally and/or physically) from the stressful situation and/or person to gain some new perspective. Spend some time alone (even 5 or 10 minutes) in a different environment and you’ll find that your thinking and often the situation itself can shift.
  

• Know your stress tolerance level
  Since we all have stress in our lives, it is unrealistic to think there will never be stressful situations. However, each person reacts to stressors in different ways. Are you the kind of person who thrives on tight deadlines, who loves to constantly push yourself to learn and grow and move beyond your comfort zone? Or do you prefer a calmer, more relaxed state and a slower pace? There is no wrong answer, it’s all about knowing yourself and your limits. Don’t expect to be like anyone else – know what works for you.
  
  
• Release energy and frustration with physical activity
  When you feel tense and overwhelmed and you are finding it difficult to think positively, it’s amazing how much better you will feel when you engage in some physical activity. You can simply go for a walk, or take an exercise class, or even if you simply put on some music and dance around the room, it will significantly shift your energy. Focusing on your breathing (long, slow deep breaths in and out) is also another way to instantly calm your mind and body.
  
  
• Get the help you need
  Trying to do it all by yourself can be too stressful. You may have to swallow your pride to ask for help but it’s important to know that you don’t have to suffer alone. Find someone who understands what you’re going through. Allow them to help you. You can eliminate much of your stress right away simply by knowing someone is on your side who knows how to help you. Even just talking your problems through with someone is beneficial. When you say things out loud (rather than going over and over them in your mind), you will often find that solutions can present themselves naturally.
  
  
• Be honest about your options
  You always have choices. You may not like the choices you have, but you always have them. When you think that you don’t have any options then you feel powerless. When you identify the choices you do have (whether you like them or not) it helps you to realize that you are not powerless. There is always something you can do to move forward. Taking some action is the most important thing.

I think it’s important and helpful to be aware of and use techniques to help you calm your mind and body when one of these situations occurs. When your mind is calm, then you’ll be able to focus on solutions, outcomes and possible growth.

There are many techniques that are helpful. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Being in nature
• Exercising (preferably something you enjoy)
• Breathing exercises (such as: breathe in slowly for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4, repeat)
  
• Yoga
• Journaling (writing things out can be very therapeutic)
• Talking things through with a friend or colleague (sometimes just talking about it brings clarity)
• Take a hot shower or soak in the bath
• Give yourself (and the situation) space (walk away or focus on something else for a while)
• Essential oils
• Listening to calming or uplifting music

Find your own favorite techniques and use them regularly. You don’t have to wait for a stressful situation to arise. Using them on a daily basis will help you deal more effectively with stress when it arrives.

I hope you’re beginning to see that you can take control of stressful situations, and even use them to grow.

Remember that you may not be able to avoid stress, but you can develop healthier ways of responding to it, and learn how to use it to your advantage. Let these strategies help you.

One of the things that creates stress (and is also a symptom of stress) is clutter and disorganization. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s easy for your environment to become cluttered and disorganized, which leads you to feeling even more overwhelmed.

If this is your experience - or if you have trouble finding a system to manage and maintain a clutter-free and organized environment, you’ll want to check out this upcoming Masterclass: Secrets to Overcoming Clutter and Overwhelm.

Physician and author, Deepak Chopra says: “Everything that happens in the universe begins with intention. An intention is a directed impulse of consciousness that contains the seed form of that which you aim to create.”

Everything you do has intention behind it, whether you’re aware of it or not. When you do become aware of this and then deliberately set an intention, you are able to channel your energy in the most positive and beneficial way possible.

In this article I’ll be sharing how you can use the power of intention every day to achieve what you want, and to make life flow more smoothly.

I think we often underestimate just how helpful and powerful intentions can be. As I was searching for a definition for intentions, I came across this one:

“An intention is a guiding principle for how you want to be, live, and show up in the world.”

How powerful is that?

When you take a few moments to set an intention before you start your day, at the beginning of  your week, at the beginning of the month or the year, or even at the start of a new project, the payoff can be huge.

But we also forget that we can set intentions for the ‘little’ things every day. For example, I think we all dread having to make calls to customer service or something similar. You’ve probably had the experience of being put on hold for hours and when you do reach someone they are not helpful at all.

What if you took a few moments to set this intention before you made the call? That you would easily reach the right person and that person would be courteous and helpful, and you would receive the answers you need?

Wouldn’t it be great if that worked?

It does work. Whenever I remember to set an intention in this way, this is exactly what happens. When I forget - well, that’s when the experience I have is not so positive.

I see setting intentions as creating a positive experience for myself. Think of it as setting yourself up to succeed, to have more positive experiences, and to feel good. Is there anybody who doesn’t want that?

Just in case you’re thinking that this may be some New Age mumbo jumbo, you might want to take a look at a book written in 2007 called The Intention Experiment which explored the science of intention, drawing on the findings of leading scientists around the world.

There has been much research into the science of intention and it turns out that it’s a way to train our brains and to channel our energy in the best possible way to create more positive experiences.

If you’re at all familiar with the Law of Attraction, then it makes perfect sense. The energy you put out (through your thoughts) determines what you attract back. When you set an intention to have a positive experience, you are more likely to have a positive experience.

Conversely, when your thoughts are focused on how difficult something might be or how frustrating, that’s more likely to be your experience.

There are a few things to keep in mind to help you be most successful with your intentions.

These are some of the things I’ve learned over the years that help to make intention setting incredibly powerful.

• Intention Setting vs Goal Setting
  

Sometimes people think of setting intentions as simply setting a goal – I’m going to accomplish a certain thing.

I don’t see intentions that way. I feel that setting an intention is different from setting a goal. A goal is a specific thing you want to accomplish, and I think of intentions more in terms of experiences.

For example, you might have a goal to lose a certain amount of weight, or make a certain amount of money, finish a specific project, or achieve a certain level of success in something that you’re doing.

I would see the intention as being more about the experience you want to have. Whereas the goal might be – I want to lose 30 lbs in the next year, an intention would be to make your health and well-being your top priority throughout the year so that you feel good about your body.

If you make health your priority, and you are feeling good about your body – then the specific number doesn’t matter so much.

You might set a goal of making $1,000 per month, whereas your intention might be to feel good about your finances and to have a good relationship with money. If you feel good about your finances and you feel like you have a good relationship with money then the exact dollar amount is not as important, because you’re feeling good. You’re having a good experience.

What I’ve observed is that when you focus on the intention and the experience in this way, you actually open yourself to more possibilities and less stress.

When you focus exclusively on the goal, on specific numbers or specific outcomes, it’s a lot more restrictive.

Think Experiences vs Outcomes
Focusing on your experience, and how you want to feel, rather than only on the specific outcome connects you with your ‘why’ - to the reason you want what you say you want.

So if you say you want $1,000 per month – why do you want it? If you dig deeply enough into your why, it may be because you’re struggling financially right now and you don’t feel good about your finances. If you’re struggling you don’t have a good relationship with money. You want to feel good about where you are financially, that’s your why – so the intention connects with that why.

What’s the reason you would want to lose 30lbs? Because you want to feel healthier, you want to feel good about your body. So if you focus on THAT, with your intention – who cares how you get there. What’s important is the end results – not a number, but that you feel good about your body and you feel healthy.

So think about setting intentions in terms of the experience you want to have.

Here’s a great example of someone I worked with several years ago: when I first spoke with her, her ‘goal’ was to increase her income so that she could save a certain amount of money, but she had been trying to do this for several years without success.

It met all the criteria for goal setting: she knew exactly how much she wanted, it was realistic, achievable, measurable, and with a clearly defined timeline. But it wasn’t happening.

So we began to explore why she wanted this amount of money, why it was important to her and what would change for her when she had it.

It turned out that she wanted the money so she could travel to Italy and spend a month or so living and exploring there. This was the amount of money she felt she needed to be able to do this comfortably.

Instead of focusing on the goal of making that amount of money, I suggested she set the intention of traveling and living in Italy and to immerse herself NOW in the experience she wanted to have, focusing only on the intention, and not how she was going to achieve it.

It didn’t take long, and the result was better than anything she could have imagined. Out of the blue (I love that phrase because I hear it a lot when people set intentions) she was offered the opportunity to spend a couple of months in Italy teaching English. Her travel, accommodation and all expenses would be covered - and she would be paid while she was there.

Focusing on the goal of raising the money for her trip was limiting her. When she focused instead on her intention, and the experience she wanted to have, she opened herself up to more possibilities.

Know Your Why
When you identify something that you want, see if you can dig deeper and keep asking yourself why. Why do you want it? Why is this important to you? And why is that important? Digging deep in this way will help you truly connect with what’s most important for you.

Whatever your goals or intentions, your ‘why’ is the energy behind them. When you want to change, achieve or accomplish something you’ll be able to do so more easily and effectively if you are really clear on why you want to change, achieve or accomplish it.

When you are clear on why you want to do something it gives you the motivation and enthusiasm to keep going even when things are difficult. Knowing why keeps you connected to the energy of what you want and that is what will help you attract it.

When you are connected to what you want because you know why you want it, you will be less distracted and will not allow yourself to be pulled off course. This connection helps you stay focused and energized when it comes to what you want. It helps you to set the intention and stay focused on it.

It’s interesting to note that, once you get used to asking yourself why you really want something, you may find that some of the things you think you want are not really things you want at all.

Often people discover that what they thought was so important to them, was really what was important to someone else, or was something they thought they ‘should’ want.

I have worked with several people who were focused on the goal of getting a certain job or promotion, only to find that the reason they wanted it was because they wanted meaning and fulfillment in their career. They wanted to feel that what they were doing mattered and made a difference in the world.

So it wasn’t really the specific job or promotion they wanted, they were focused on that because they thought it would give them the meaning and fulfillment they really wanted.

But when they focused on the intention of having meaning and fulfillment in their professional life, rather than on a specific job or promotion, they attracted different opportunities - ones they might never have considered.

Some have started their own businesses, some have moved into a different profession altogether, and they all have been able to find the meaning and fulfillment they were really looking for.

Get used to asking yourself why you want something, why it’s important to you and what will change for you when you achieve it. This will help you to set clear intentions that deliver the experiences you really want.

Form a New Habit
Since intentions are so powerful, it’s amazing that we don’t all use them all the time. I think there are 2 reasons for that - one is that it’s so simple, and we often dismiss something that’s so simple because we think simple things can’t possibly work and we look for something that’s more complicated.

The other reason is that our brains seem to automatically want to focus on the negative and what ‘might’ happen, based on past experiences. It takes effort to train your mind to focus on the positive experiences you want to have, instead of the uncomfortable things that might happen.

It's an effort that really pays off, so just like you would train your body if you wanted to run a marathon, so you want to train your brain by regularly setting intentions, so that it becomes a new habit - your new default.

A great way to start is to get into the habit of setting intentions each day, such as:

• Take a few moments to set an intention before you start your day. If you set an intention that you want to feel good today, no matter what happens. Then, even if something or someone comes along to pull you into a challenging situation, you can continue to remind yourself of your intention.
  
  This can stop you from taking on other people’s problems as your own, it can stop you from being pulled into someone else’s drama, and it can help you maintain a clear, focused mind, rather than being overwhelmed by whatever is happening around you.
  
  
• If you have to drive to work, your intention might be to have a joyful experience of driving to work. Then, even if you get stuck in traffic, perhaps you can enjoy listening to some music or an audio book, or if you encounter rude drivers you won’t be affected by them because you won’t allow yourself to be triggered.
  
  
• If you have to make a difficult phone call (perhaps to customer service) take a few moments to set an intention before you make the call – that you will easily reach the right person and you will receive the answers you need. Set an intention for a positive outcome.
  
  
• If you’re about to start working on something that seems overwhelming and difficult, set an intention that you will find a way to do it easily and enjoyably.
  
  
• Whenever you’re about to do something that you know you won’t like (I do this now when going to the dentist) set an intention that your experience will be positive, effortless, and pain-free.
  

Think of it as setting yourself up to succeed, to have more positive experiences, and to feel good. Remember also to express gratitude for the experiences you attract. That’s all part of the intention-setting process.

Be Patient
When you set an intention that you want something to happen it’s important to maintain focus on that intention, no matter what else happens around you.

It’s so easy to set an intention and then, when things don’t happen immediately the way you want them to, you give up and complain because it’s not working. We all do it.

Someone I spoke with recently had been struggling for some time with her intention to find a new home. She realized that she had been allowing other people and situations to pull her away from her intention so that she became distracted and her new home seemed further away than ever.

Once she realized this, she began to release the distractions and pull her focus back to her intention – and within a short time has found the home that she wanted.

Other people and situations will probably try to interfere with your intentions. This is where you have to be gentle and patient with yourself. Whenever you feel your mind shifting and going into something that does not support you and your intention, gently bring it back by reminding yourself of your intention.

When you set a clear intention and keep this at the forefront of your mind, you’ll find yourself making different choices, and saying no to things you previously may have said yes to (because you thought you should).

You’ll find yourself letting go of certain things, projects, experiences or people because they don’t serve you or your intention. You may find yourself interacting with people in a different way as you realize how certain people may be keeping you away from what’s most important to you.

You might also want to create a vision board that reflects your intention – for example, if health and wellness is your focus, you would paste pictures on a poster board that show you when you felt particularly fit and healthy, or of people doing things you would love to do – such as yoga, hiking, kayaking etc., If there are certain things you would do if you felt healthier and less stressed, paste pictures of people doing those things on the board. Just find pictures that reflect the intention that you’re setting.

Remember that setting an intention for your day gets you off to a great start in the morning and you’ll be amazed at how good it feels.

As you tune into what’s most important to you and set clear intentions you allow yourself to re-claim your power and connect to your true self. This benefits you and everyone around you.

Try it for yourself. Practice setting intentions for the type of experiences you want to have and just see what happens.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

If you find it difficult to set and stay focused on an intention, or you have trouble knowing what it is that you really want and why you want it, you may have energy that’s holding you back.

This [free] mini course shares The Top 10 Reasons Energy Holds You Back - I invite you to sign up and learn what might be standing in your way.

Everything you do has intention behind it, whether you’re aware of it or not. When you understand this and then deliberately set an intention, you are able to channel your energy in the most positive way possible.

Physician and author, Deepak Chopra says: “Everything that happens in the universe begins with intention. An intention is a directed impulse of consciousness that contains the seed form of that which you aim to create.”

In this short video, I share tips for setting effective intentions, and when you want to set an intention rather than a goal.

I hope it inspires you to experiment a little more with setting intentions – see what happens.

Abraham Lincoln famously said “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be,” which is true, but also upsetting for many because they want to feel happier but they just don’t know how

It all sounds very simple when people say “just choose to be happy”, but what does that mean? And what does that look like?

There are people who outwardly appear to be very happy. They are the life and soul of the party, exude high energy, and they may seem to have it all - and yet inside they feel deeply unhappy.

Then there are people who are more quiet and thoughtful. You may not think they look particularly happy, but internally they are very peaceful and content.

I think happiness is deeply personal, and it fluctuates depending on what’s going on in your life.

So perhaps the most important things are to know what happiness means to you and feels like for you, and to know where you are now. Is there room for improvement anywhere or are you completely satisfied with everything as it is?

In this post I’ll share 10 strategies that will help anyone who wants to be able to increase their levels of happiness and well-being.

We all want to be happy. We want to feel good about ourselves, and our life choices. Although sometimes that doesn’t seem to be so easy.

There are many outside influences that affect us, and sometimes we don’t even believe we can be happy or deserve to be.

So instead of simply being able to choose happiness, it can become very complicated.

People often experience challenges like this:

• They have a lot of great things to appreciate in their lives and they want to be happy, but they just aren’t. There’s a feeling that something must be missing.
  

• They feel they can’t be happy when there is so much suffering going on in the world. “How can I be happy when ….. is happening?”
  

• If only … would happen then they would be happy (if only they made more money, lost weight, had the perfect job or the perfect relationship, etc.).
  

• They look to others for their happiness and when those people don’t behave as they expect, they are bitterly disappointed. This could be a partner or spouse, children, family members, etc.
  

• They don’t know how to be happy. Their life experiences have led them to believe that they are not meant to be happy.
  

• There’s a sense that every time things start going well and they start feeling good some kind of disaster will happen to change that.
  

• They are not happy with themselves, and/or are brought down by the criticism and judgment of others who don’t want them to be happy.
  

As you can see, it can be a complex subject and you may not simply be able to increase your feelings of happiness and levels of well-being overnight.

That’s why I want to share these strategies with you. These are all things that will create an immediate shift in your confidence, self-esteem, well-being - and ultimately your levels of happiness.

1. Say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
   
   Do you know people who are constantly negative, leaving you feeling depressed or stressed after every interaction? There are also people who seem to live in a state of constant chaos and want to pull you into their drama too. There are people who are bullies, who are angry, or who are manipulative.
   
   You can be feeling really content and happy one minute, and feeling terrible the next after being around someone like this.
   
   Sometimes it’s not possible to avoid them completely - you may have a co-worker or even a family member who is like this. If that’s the case, then what you can do is to change how you respond to them. I like to set an intention before interacting with someone like this along the lines of:
   
   “I will not allow this person to manipulate my energy in any way, or to pass their energy onto me.”
   
   Then, I remind myself that their behavior has nothing to do with me. It’s a reflection of what’s going on with them and I don’t need to react or take it on. This works really well.
   
   If at all possible, remove yourself from any toxic relationship. Remind yourself that you deserve better and that you don’t have to tolerate relationships like this.
   
   “If somebody is looking for a bin to throw all their trash into, make sure it’s not in your mind.” - Dalai Lama
   
   
2. Embrace Healthy and Positive Relationships
   
   Who are the positive and supportive people in your life? These are the people you want to spend more time with - people who support, encourage, motivate and uplift you.
   
   If you don’t know where to find these people, you’ll notice that once you take care of yourself by letting go of the toxic relationships you’ll begin to attract more healthy ones.
   
   Pay attention to those people who leave you feeling uplifted and motivated. Know who they are and spend more time with them. A positive attitude can be just as infectious as a negative one.
   
   “You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look around and make sure you’re in the right surroundings.”
   - David Burkus
   
   
3. Release Perfectionism
   
   It’s okay to have high standards and to believe in excellence, but if you try to be perfect all the time at everything, you can never be truly happy. You will put so much pressure on yourself that you will never be able to live up to it, which creates stress and limits your ability to really enjoy life.
   
   As a recovering perfectionist myself, I know this is true. I also discovered that as a perfectionist your intensity and incredibly high expectations (of yourself and others) often make it difficult for others to be around you. People can be intimidated because they feel they will never measure up, that nothing they do will ever be good enough.
   
   As a perfectionist, it’s not that you mean to be hard on everyone around you. You feel you just have very high standards and you can’t understand why everyone else doesn’t just get that. What you don’t realize (as I didn’t) is that your standards are impossibly high. So high that nobody (including you) can ever measure up.
   
   I know from experience that when you let go of the need to do everything perfectly you will feel happier, much more energized and much less stressed. You’ll also find that people will enjoy being around you so much more.
   
   “Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” - Brene Brown
   
   
4. Let go of Expectations
   
   This goes with perfectionism -  when you have unreasonably high expectations for yourself, you’ll also have those same expectations for other people, which means you will spend a lot of time feeling disappointed.
   
   There’s nothing wrong with expecting the best of yourself – until those expectations become unreasonable. When your expectations are too high, you are putting too much pressure on yourself and setting yourself up for disappointment and failure.
   
   Your expectations are set by the beliefs that you have. I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” So it’s true that expectations can shape your reality.
   
   Just like most things, expectations can be helpful or not helpful. So it’s important to be aware of the expectations you have and how they are serving you. You may have some unhelpful expectations that you’re not aware of, and they can make life unnecessarily difficult.
   
   It’s particularly important for those of us who are empathic and/or highly sensitive to be aware of and pay attention to our expectations because we tend to have extremely (and often unrealistically) high expectations of ourselves, and therefore of others.
   
   Also, because we see and experience things in a different way, with a lot more sensory input, we may have a tendency to expect that others see and feel what we do, when they don’t (and can’t). This sets us up for massive disappointment.
   
   Other people are not like you, so don’t expect them to be. Releasing your expectations of others and unreasonably high expectations for yourself will allow you to relax and tap into happiness.
   
   As with everything, it comes down to awareness. The more aware you become of your expectations, the more you will be able to see whether they are supporting you or standing in your way.
   
   Where do you have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations for yourself and others and how are they affecting you? When you recognize them you can change them. This doesn’t mean you lower your standards, but it does mean that you stop punishing yourself, or setting yourself up for disappointment.
   
   “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” - Donald Miller
   
   
5. Stop Comparing Yourself
   
   Your job is to be the best you that you can be. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what other people have or what other people do, you are not them.
   
   You will never be truly happy if you are constantly comparing yourself to others because in many ways you’ll feel that you don’t measure up.
   
   Comparing yourself to others will always leave you feeling dissatisfied. It’s a waste of your energy because by comparing you are giving your power away.
   
   Focus on yourself, what you want, and what you need to do for you, rather than on what other people are or are not doing or do or do not have.
   
   If you’re highly sensitive and/or empathic you are one of just 20% of the population. This means that the majority of people are not like you and so comparing yourself to others is really counter-productive. Not many people will have the same sensory perceptions as you or the same levels of empathy, and will not be affected by the same things. If you expect them to, you will be very disappointed and frustrated indeed.
   
   Put your attention on yourself and don’t worry about what others are doing. Things are rarely what they appear to be, and there are always more sides to any story. Yes, things often seem to be unfair and others may seem to have things easier than you  - but instead of focusing on them, focus on you and what you can do to improve things for yourself. I promise you’ll be much happier.
   
   “The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” - Steven Furtick
   
   
6. Do More of What You Love
   
   What brings you joy? What do you love to do so much that time flies when you’re doing it? How can you bring more of this into your life?
   
   You might think that you don’t have time or that you have so many responsibilities that it would be irresponsible to spend time on yourself in this way.
   
   It’s important to find the time - not only for your own happiness, but you’ll find that it will benefit everyone around you as well.
   
   It doesn’t have to be difficult. All you have to do is make sure you schedule regular time to do something that you really enjoy.
   
   Let’s say you enjoy writing - you could set aside some time each day (15 or 30 minutes) or an hour or two each week and just allow yourself to sit and write.
   
   Whatever it is, put it on your calendar. Schedule time for yourself to do something you love. It can be that simple.
   
   Spend more time doing what you love and you’ll naturally feel happier and more energized.
   
   “Do what makes YOU happy. Focus on what brings YOU joy. Appreciate and do more things that make YOU smile. Live your life for yourself. You matter! You count! You’re deserving of true happiness! This is YOUR life. Live it to the fullest! Live life with no regrets.” - Stephanie Lahart
   
   
7. Put Yourself First
   
   Contrary to popular belief, putting yourself first is not selfish. It is if you do it at the expense of others, but making sure that your needs are met means that you will have more positive energy to share with others because you’ll feel good.
   
   If you’re used to putting others first all the time, you will ultimately find your energy becoming depleted. So often we want to help others when we are struggling ourselves and then frustration and resentment can build as we become more and more depleted.
   
   You might think it’s selfish to take care of yourself or put yourself first when others need help, but it’s exactly the opposite. When your needs are met and you feel good, you are able to help others from a place of strength, which means that you can help them even more.
   
   I think this quote sums it up quite nicely:
   
   "You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive nor sick enough to help sick people get well." – Abraham
   
   Stop putting yourself last on the list. Put yourself first and then you’ll have more to give others.
   
   “Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”
   - Parker Palmer
   
   
8. Know Yourself
   
   The Greek philosopher, Aristotle, said “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” It’s true – the most successful people know themselves very well and use that knowledge to their advantage.
   
   How well do you really know yourself? For example:
   
   - What energizes you?
   - What drains you?
   - What makes you feel good?
   - What doesn’t?
   - What brings you joy?
   - What is most important to you?
   
   It’s so helpful to develop extreme self-awareness and to get to know yourself at the deepest levels.
   
   When you know what’s most important to you, have a clear sense of what energizes you and what drains you, and are familiar with your strengths and weaknesses you are less likely to be thrown off-track when difficulties arise.
   
   How do you develop this level of self-awareness? By paying attention to everything you think and everything you feel. When something bothers you, be willing to explore and use the situation to learn more about yourself.
   
   I think the more you know yourself energetically and emotionally, the stronger you become and the less threatened you feel by stressful situations or by other people’s behavior.
   
   The more you know yourself, the more confident, empowered and happier you become, and everyone benefits.
   
   “The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.” - Toni Collette
   
   
9. Learn to Embrace Change
   
   If there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that life is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same forever, no matter how much we might want it to.
   
   The challenges come when you resist change or are afraid of it, because then you will experience more stress and anxiety. When you learn to embrace change and go with the flow of life you open yourself up to more possibilities and more happiness.
   
   It’s the resistance to change that causes us to suffer. I used to be afraid of change, but now I truly embrace it. If things are going to change anyway, it’s much better to focus on what it is that you really want and allow things to change in that direction, rather than clinging to what you know.
   
   I know it can be difficult when change is forced upon you unexpectedly, but even then it’s very likely that, if you don’t resist it, and you look for what’s good about the change, then it will lead you to something better.
   
   Just like the saying “when one door closes, another opens.” How often has an unexpected change come about for you that felt really uncomfortable at the time, but now when you look back you can see it was probably the best thing that could have happened for you?
   
   When you learn to accept and even embrace change, rather than being afraid of it or resisting it, you’ll find there’s a lot less stress in your life, which will allow you to feel much happier.
   
   “Become a student of change. It is the only thing that will remain constant.” - Anthony D’Angelo
   
   
10. Allow Others to Help You
    
    How good are you at asking for and receiving help from others?
    
    So often we think we have to do everything ourselves and that it’s a sign of weakness to ask for help, or it means we don’t know what we’re doing.
    
    I used to be terrible at asking for help and I didn’t know how to receive it. Now I know that it’s not weakness to ask for help, it’s actually a sign of strength.
    
    Not only that, I found that people really like to be asked. People feel good when they have an opportunity to help.
    
    How often do you find yourself struggling with something because you don’t like to ask for help? How often are you disappointed when others don’t offer to help you or are not there when you need them?
    
    You must learn to ask for what you want. Don’t expect others to guess or to know what you need. If you learn to ask, you’ll be surprised how often you’ll receive exactly what you need – or perhaps even more.
    
    Sometimes you might not ask because you don’t want to bother anyone, or because you’re afraid they will say no. At least give people the opportunity to say yes. So often we deny people the opportunity to help us because we don’t like to ask for help.
    
    When you try to do everything by yourself and you shut others out you put too much pressure on yourself and you’ll never be able to relax. Other people want to help you, and they will feel good when they do. When you take the pressure off yourself by allowing others to help, you can relax and enjoy life so much more.
    
    “Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you."  - Jim Rohn
    
    
    

What would it be like if you made your happiness a priority? What would it be like if you started each day by setting an intention to do more of what brings you happiness?

Perhaps you already do make your happiness a priority. If you do, I applaud you because you are putting out more positive energy into the world - which is truly needed.

If not, I invite you to consider those questions and allow yourself to bring a little more happiness into your life. Implementing any one of these strategies will make a significant impact on your health, happiness and general well-being. Don’t wait - start today!

Sometimes you might feel you can’t be happier no matter what you do. You want to be happy, but every time things start to improve and you feel better, something happens to pull you back.

In this case, it’s likely that you have invisible emotional energy and emotional pain that’s holding you back. I’ve put together a free min-course sharing the Top 10 Reasons That Energy Holds You Back, which will help you see if this is what’s happening for you.

I frequently hear from people about the challenges they are experiencing that affect their ability to live a fulfilling and happy life. They share things like this:

• "I feel like I need to fight for myself all the time and after "the battle" I feel extremely exhausted."
  
  
• "I feel under-valued, overwhelmed, and taken advantage of. I need ways to cope with hard days at work."
  
  
• "I want to not allow other people's suffering to affect me for so long, so I can shake it off and move on."
  
  
• "I want to learn to cope better and not cry when overwhelmed, and to try to become more self-aware."
  
  

I think all of these situations have one thing in common that, if addressed, would improve circumstances for each of these people immeasurably. This video explains how.

Have you ever felt that there must be something holding you back, but you just can’t get to the bottom of what it is?

Like the person who can’t seem to make the progress they want, no matter how hard they try. Or the person who is very knowledgeable, successful and accomplished, but continues to doubt themselves and their abilities.

Then there are people who are so deeply affected by other people’s energy, emotions and opinions, that it affects their confidence, self-esteem and happiness.

It can all be very confusing, as well as frustrating and overwhelming at times.

Even though people think they know themselves quite well, when they begin to go inward and look more closely, it soon becomes very clear that there are emotions and energies affecting them that they had absolutely no idea about.

It’s often a shock for them to discover just how much these emotions and energies have been controlling them.

In this blog post I’ll share examples of how this invisible emotional energy and pain can affect you and hold you back, and what you can do about it.

Everything is energy. Our thoughts are energy, our emotions are energy, and any painful or traumatic experience we have has energy.

When a particular emotion is triggered, you feel it in your body. When you have an unhappy thought, you feel it, and when you have a painful or traumatic experience you feel it energetically in your body, and that energy is stored inside you.

It is in our nature to move away from whatever doesn’t feel good. When it comes to uncomfortable emotions and painful experiences, this can mean that we ignore them, try to push them away or alternatively, we can allow them to overtake us, taking us into a downward spiral of pain and discomfort.

This energy and pain can build up inside you and, even when you think you’ve moved past the situation that created it, it can continue to affect you without you knowing it.

Emotional energy and pain is invisible, but it affects you on a daily basis. When it’s not acknowledged and released, it will create more painful situations and more discomfort.

When you have awareness and understanding of this energy, it enables you to see just how it impacts you and your ability to accomplish what you want.

Without this awareness, this energy controls you without your knowledge, and you never associate the experiences you’re having and the situations that arise with the emotional energy and pain that is stored within you.

Without this awareness, when things are not working out as you want them to, you’ll find yourself focusing on the wrong things. As you focus on the wrong things, you’ll experience more frustration and anxiety and add more of this energy to what is already there.

Without this understanding we become disconnected from our true selves, constantly looking outside ourselves for answers that we cannot find.

For example, think of the person who is unhappy with their job, so they leave and find a new job, only to discover they are just as unhappy in the new position. This may happen multiple times as they are constantly searching for that ideal position that will bring them happiness and fulfillment, which never comes.

It doesn’t happen because the problem is not the job. Nothing will change until they begin to look at the energy within themselves.

I once worked with someone who was having this exact experience. After a couple of calls he said “I’m just realizing that it’s not the job, it’s me.” He recognized that he would continue to have the same experiences until he looked at himself and how he was creating these situations.

Another client was struggling to grow her business and was frustrated with her husband whom, she felt, was being unsupportive. During one of our early conversations she said “It’s not him is it? It’s me.”

When I work with people it’s always exciting for me when they arrive at this understanding because it means they are ready to change their situation. As long as they continue to believe that the problem is outside of them, nothing can change.

The key lies in being aware of and being willing to acknowledge your emotions. Not only the emotions you are feeling at any given moment, but also the emotional energy and pain that is stored from your past.

Instead of avoiding ‘negative’ emotions, you can learn how to process them. When you do this, they cannot continue to affect you. This article in Psychology Today has some helpful information on the processing of emotions.

The thought of doing this type of inner work is terrifying for some people. They imagine they will have to revisit painful experiences from childhood, or that once they take the lid off these emotions and this pain it will be too much to bear.

But this does not have to be the case. It’s not about going back. I see it more as looking at what’s going on now and how it’s affecting you - then moving forward from there.

I’ll share some of my favorite ways of releasing emotional energy and pain, but before I do that, I want to show you the huge impact and benefit of identifying and releasing this energy by sharing comments from some of the people I’ve worked with, so you can see that it doesn’t have to be terrifying at all:

"Over the past weeks I have seen parts of myself I didn't realize existed and they shook me to my core. My focus has shifted away from trying to figure out my next career move to paying attention to myself. I am relaxing into whatever is to be and not trying to control it.”

"I had a wonderful moment of clarity about fear. I have allowed fear way too much power over me in my life.  It doesn't have to be that way. It's so obvious all of a sudden.  In trying to sort it out, I realized that there were 5 different things contributing to the fear of this moment.”

“I’m only two lessons in and have experienced the most profound shift. I used to be petrified to take my mind off of financial striving, for fear of not having enough. With your program, I’ve focused on creating ease and peace in my life, and at the same time created a better income than I’ve experienced in years.”

“When I look back on the past 5 weeks I can’t believe how much I have changed. I feel like I have more control, more peace in my life. I’m more accepting of others, I have a better relationship with my brother, not so jealous, more loving relationship. Same with my mom. I feel like I’m releasing a lot of things that I have had inside for a long time.”

“I've learned I am good enough and relearned to trust my judgement, walk away from things that don't feel right instead of doing them because I feel obligated.  I've learned to focus on what I need to focus on instead of obsessing over things I felt jealous about.  I've regained my self confidence and feel happier."

For these people, and many others, the insights they gained are invaluable and, as you can tell, immediately helped them to feel better and improve their situations.

I think the most important thing to remember is that, although there are people who can help you do this, nobody can do it for you.

There are many techniques and strategies that are helpful. I’ll share some of my favorites here:

Process the Emotion - this is my favorite. It has proven to be the most effective for me and I love to help my clients work through emotions by following these steps:

• Sit quietly, close your eyes and take a deep breath
• Identify what you’re feeling - name the emotion (angry, sad, etc.)
• Notice where you feel it the most in your body (chest, abdomen, etc.)
• Put your attention on this area and breathe into it
• Notice what you feel without judgment and keep breathing into it
• Imagine you are shining a spotlight onto this area, this emotion
• Keep breathing and notice if anything about it changes while you’re doing this
• Ask yourself: “what do I need to learn from what I’m feeling?” “What is this feeling telling me about myself?”
• Pay attention to what comes to you - if nothing comes, don’t worry, just continue to breathe into it and keep the spotlight on it. Acknowledge what you’re feeling
• Take as long as you need, and when you feel you’re ready, open your eyes and come back

Sometimes insights come right away, sometimes it may be a day or two later, be open to learning what this is about

The more you practice this the easier it will become. Eventually, you’ll be able to do it without needing to close your eyes, and you’ll be able to do it in any situation. It can take just a minute or two to do.


Journaling - this is another very effective way of discovering what energy you’re dealing with and then releasing it. You can write about the situation you’re experiencing, write about what you’re feeling and see if you can uncover any insights. Again, you can ask yourself what it is you need to learn from what’s going on - if you allow yourself to write without thinking too much you will often gain valuable insights.

You can then write something like “I am now willing to release this….” or ask how you can release it and again see what comes to you as you write.

You can also use specific journaling prompts to help you with whatever emotion you are feeling.

Meditation - a guided or focused meditation can help you release difficult emotions. You can meditate on the specific challenge. You can create an affirmation or mantra to focus on while you’re meditating. For example, if you are feeling angry about something, you could focus on an affirmation that says “I am willing to learn what my anger is telling me.”

Instead of trying to push the feeling away or replace it with a positive one, embrace it and see what you can learn from it. If you find it difficult to do by yourself, you can also use a guided meditation that walks you through the process.

Talk it through - sometimes there’s no substitute for talking through what you’re feeling. It’s best if you do this with someone who is trained and has the ability to help you - such as a coach, a therapist or healing practitioner. Although if you have a supportive and understanding friend or colleague who knows how to listen and ask the right questions and who won’t try to ‘fix’ the situation, that can also be helpful.

Sometimes just the act of talking about it brings clarity and helps to release what you’re feeling.

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) - If you’re not familiar with this technique, it involves tapping on certain acupressure points while saying certain statements related to the situation. There are many YouTube videos that show you how to do this - I think this one is effective, by Brad Yates

There are also many therapists who specialize in this technique.

When you feel unhappy with your life, when things aren’t working out, or when you continue to repeat the same patterns over and over, recognize that what you think is the problem (the job, the relationship, the situation) is probably not the real problem. You may have emotional energy and pain that is holding you back.

We can become very good at hiding or not dealing with our emotions, but this does not cause them to go away. The energy and pain from your beliefs and your experiences is stored within you and can affect everything you do.

When you properly acknowledge and process your emotions, you can effectively release them and use them to give you greater confidence and strength, so you know you have the ability to handle any situation.
 
If you’re still not sure whether emotional energy and pain might be holding you back, take this short quiz to bring some clarity.

You can also enroll in a free mini-course that will share with you the Top 10 Reasons Energy Holds You back.

In this short video we explore the invisible emotional energy and pain that holds us back.

It discusses:

• Where this emotional energy and pain can come from
• What happens when you continue to ignore it
• How you can begin to discover what this means for you.

This is such an important topic because it holds the key to many of the challenges that you have been facing.

It will help to make sense of some of the things you are experiencing that haven't made sense before.

Want to know if there is invisible emotional energy and pain holding you back? Take the quiz to find out.